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Lori Jean Finnila

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My Choice
By Lori Jean Finnila
Monday, January 04, 2010

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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An account of a young girl lost at adolescence due to trauma in her life and as she ages how she learns to cope with the trauma and how she has been living.

My Choice by Lori Finnila

I had a choice back then. I had a choice of one or another. I had a choice of the past or the present. I made a choice in my mind to pick a present to override my past. I wanted to see a hero all the time. I wanted a man to take away my past and take and give me a new future. I had not allowed anyone to know me because I for many reasons had not talked about my life. I was looking to the future but not to live it but to cover it up for whatever reasons. Then came my hero. A hero to show me a new day and new ways.

I found a man who I thought took me from all this. The man I had found gave me a way to make some kind of new life but I was instead met with the most of my devastating pains through this process and this way.

I then lost a daughter due to an illegal abortion when I was 17. I was 2 days from being four months pregnant and with being too scared and feeling I had nowhere to turn I ended up going to strangers whom I thought would help me in large far away building that I thought held my answers and freedom from the fright of being so alone in a situation that I could not even mention out loud. I took a Valium it seemingly that I was too anxious even though I had told them this did not mean that I was to get an abortion. That I was not going to. I just needed to talk to them. Being very small and now under a drug with a very large man outside the door holding me in they continued to take my chances away of working this out for myself after I had told them I wanted to keep my baby after I had felt it move when they wanted to find out how I felt about keeping the baby. I needed help with my direction with this and how I was going to do it on my own. I was told it was too late that the papers for this were already signed and I had no choice. Being wobbly and out of control of my body now at 105 lbs. and never on Valium before I was in a different world where I couldn't fight. I tried to scream but the man outside the door would not let me leave and I then felt in a drugged state but awake to feel all that was about to happen to me. I was given no anesthetic and the pain was so unbearable but I could not move or speak. A large massive suction was ripping and pulling at my insides I could not believe the unbearable pain of the feeling of my entire insides being pulled out. I had my baby ripped from me and as it was almost finished I will never forget the last question of whether or not I wanted this where my lips would not follow what my mouth wanted to say as I when I tried I was told it was too late as though when my mind could come around to reach to his point that my baby was already ripped in half. I then heard my baby thrown very hard into the small trash can behind the doctor as though she were nothing. I say a daughter because at that point that was all that they could assume. I nearly bled to death after wards when the blood would not stop pouring out and the pain was even more unbearable but was told to shut my mouth that I was disturbing the other girls who were in there all laying down quietly and peacefully sleeping.

I began to withdraw after wards in a way unimaginable and a way of never being able to connect or communicate with others about anything inside of me leaving me vulnerable to the prey out in the world that lay around me just waiting in my path for me to come along. I hid inside of myself and I never spoke of myself again. I would speak of a person as this, a she or her for I didn't know who she was anymore. A young girl not full grown scared and lost thinking everyone is already thinking her thoughts and doing everything for her around her that is good for her all the way through after wards seeking shelter and refuge back into the arms of the one who hurt her.

I would watch life go by now but was not living it. I would see life through a glass wall as it passed me by but I never felt it. I didn't know how. I was only feeling the feelings of a human being here and there that I would create from time to time and that was the only time I felt this. I could speak but never talked of anything I felt or of past pains. They were too buried deep inside of me and intended to keep that way. If I tried at times I would be threatened. Keeping my silence I decided to try and find happiness in situations that were never going to work or bring me happiness.

I wonder if anyone knows. I wonder if they can read my face. I wonder if they see or feel the filth that I feel of me on my body. I wonder if they see my sadness from time to time but I was sure most of the time they did and already knew of my pain. This would run through my mind and my thoughts constantly. I finally decided they did know somewhat, somehow. How could they not know of the horrible thing that had happened? I'm sure everyone knew they were just being polite as not to discuss it with me. I went on feeling I was free from this comforting myself in the knowledge of this.

I would make up my own make believe world to this, creating a new being inside, a new person and place where you would start over. But I was just ignoring the person inside that was there all along.

After wards with others I never really looked at any of them or even wanted to and this is why I tell you my story. Once I had made these decisions is when my horrible life started to a point where it grew to such a large mass following me from behind I couldn't control it. It grew insurmountable to such a mass that it could never be stopped. Yet I knew deep inside of me it all started so long ago.

I played the role and the part of the happy party girl, the socialite, the one who wanted and attained all and I had such a control over this in my life until I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't understand why others didn't know me anymore, why no one was responding to me anymore and began to feel a deep saddening loneliness. I came to try and speak through that glass wall but no one heard me. I made noises and was sure they heard but they still would not stop and just continued to walk by. No one even saw me. No one ever knew me. I felt that my pain was worthless now and that why would anyone want to know it or even know me. I began not to care about me or myself or at least the way I may be perceived because it all didn't matter now. They never did and never knew me and I never had anyone of me then and certainly didn't now and certainly didn't know how. Now what was I supposed to do. So many years have passed and I haven't gotten to know that girl. It's been so long. And I'm not sure I know how. But it would or might be a waste not to. Maybe it couldn't hurt, a little to try, to try and get to know this girl that I am inside of me. Maybe it won't hurt, or hurt too much. Maybe I can make her feel better, somehow.

How do I get to know myself again when I can't be sure what happened anymore though because it has been so long and I don't know that girl? Nothing was real to me anymore and I couldn't attain quite what had happened in my life for sure because I buried it for so long.

Then people would start to come around me and remind me of the quiet that they wanted in these certain situations of mine again that I had buried so deep for so long. Men would prey on me in my mind at these times and injure me to states of much more confusion. I now wanted to know more than ever the truths of these. Was I a victim of circumstances more than I ever knew? Was that why I had hidden behind a glass wall all these years not knowing who I was or how or why I wandered for so long letting myself lose myself to all this pain.

I now remember years later as I remember it all, the devestations of it all and allowed myself to console myself and reunite with the occurrences that I so longingly had to. I found gratefully that I was not at all at fault as I had learned to blame myself for so long not ever really wanting to look at any of it, taking more abuse in the process through a process of guilt. I took beatings, insults, and even bad jobs. I took stares, rude comments, and bad relationships. I never expected anyone to apologize to me for their rude behavior or remarks or demanded to be treated like a human being. I had deeply not knowing took all of this feeling that I deserved it. I let myself sink so low that you could not reach me anymore and I went so far down as to lose my identity I had to have to relearn myself all over again. I learned also I never had any identity because I was never allowed. I had to reinvent myself as a human being from the beginning to respect myself and expect no less of this from others. I had to work hard and break off relations that were bad for me and hard to break off. I had to turn the cycle of violence now in my life around as this was going to be one strong woman. It's not that I ever wanted them in I just never fought hard enough to get them out.

I had only myself to rely on and was now raising one child on my own hoping I could offer him some safety and security in my now reckless life that was once created for me that I so longed and fought so hard to change. I had devoted my time and energy to this ever since my child was born and from this quite a few years later attained a new person and a new self worth. I learned not to look into other people for acceptance or love of what I was doing or approval of all of my actions but took the ones that I felt were best for me and my child. I learned to take a new direction on my own without concurring with anyone for help. I learned and found the new strong person and woman inside of me without having to hide the deep pains of what I had thought I had to bear all those years in hidden darkness.

From this I learned to reach out to others and found some accepting me with no judgments of myself or my past and the ones that didnít I just moved on. From there I found great joy in helping others and regaining my own strengths and identity and creative talents that I so longed to express for so many years never being able to battling abuse. I scared off my abusers through coming out and doing this and making them take a step back in fear of my new found self and being caught. I now am there for others to help them through their challenges and be there for them with my heart. I have been able to find a new way of expression through my books and my writing and my music and my sounds which I find freely now to express inside of me and out.

I thought someday that I would put a tombstone up for her, my little baby, monumenting her that she so much deserved and that she was not forgotten. But I instead decided to help other young girls by telling my story to help and save them from this disaster ahead of time. If they just say the words it is out and the fear is over and now you are facing and making decisions for what you need to do in a more realistic and safer manner. I will never stop living in a dream world of my pain of this because these pains are always too unbearable to completely realistically face. But I will not take further pain from others unnecessarily for the one pain that was already caused to me.

I thank women like who help young girls who have nowhere to go on the street as to where to find help for themselves when they have nowhere to go and are alone in these decisions that they have to make on their own. I commend people who help young runaways who are faced with these ordeals and decisions with feeling they have nowhere to turn and end up in the hands of a worse situation. We need to reach out to our young women now so their lives can reach sustainability and security for them and others.

Women Empowerment Hour at Blog Talk Radio
Created by Lori Finnila
A Show To Strengthen and Unify Women
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       Web Site: Women Empowerment Hour

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