Never Admitted, Always Feared
That dark thing by the side of my house, it lives there and watches me, buried in a tomb of dirt and roots, coming out only at night to peer into my reading room window. It is much less of itself than it was before and I thank God for that as this horrible thing did, at one time, have the run of my house.
It lived where I lived, shared my every step. It breathed the air I breathed. I sucked in itís foul stench with every inhalation. It made me wake in fits of terror for fear I would never catch a new breath. There were times I could even feel itís weight on my chest at night, pinning me down to a point of paralysis and finding joy in the wild panic that showed from my eyes. It travelled with me for unlike a simple ghost this thing did not haunt my home but stayed with me. My dark companion so consumed with a hate that is completely devoid of all light.
It hates me so completely and with such dedication that there are times it gathers itís strength to take the bodies of others near to me just to use them to oppress me, to oppose my good fortunes. It glares at me with the eyes of another and I immediately know that I am no longer dealing with another human being. Iíve learned to not blame those people but to pity them as they know nothing of what has overcome them. I walk away also knowing that it will surely follow me.
I have prayed so hard and for so long that I have felt like I would burst with sorrow. It only seemed to strengthen. I isolated myself so that it, at least, could not harm others. Itís darkness proved too much for me to bare alone and I suffered a certainty that if I continued that route, I wouldíve died from insanity and it wouldíve won.
It made me dream of horrible things in my sleep that I care to share with no living being. It lied to me, made me lie to myself. Insidious thoughts that sought only the destruction of the healthy matter of my mind. It was my constant companion from the time of my birth in this particular life and I had actually learned to live with it. Learned to live, laugh and love even in itís presence. There were odds moments where I would even converse with it but mostly I worked at ignoring it. I could live around it. I would be happy despite the constant crisis it evoked around me. Still, I prayed hard, prayed with every ounce of my strength. I chanted Buddhist mantras, I called to Saints and angels, I lite candles and rang bells. I sacrificed. Ultimately, I felt wasted.
I awoke last night to find myself sitting, slouched in my reading room. I had gone to sleep as usual in my own bed but when I stirred to wakefulness I was slumped over the lounge chair by the window. The first thing I saw when my eyes opened fully was a moonlit covered tombstone. It looked ancient. A large stone cross that had never appeared there before and had no tangible reason to be there then. In one instant I knew that my prayers had been answered. The dark being looked in at me but he moved only within a small square patch around the tombstone. He had no freedom, no access to me and as I looked into the darkness of his eyes, the empty sockets of his soul, I saw sadness replace the hate that had always been there. To my utter astonishment, I felt compassion and pity for this creature of pain and torture. It deserved nothing of my sympathies, nothing whatsoever. I peered through my reading room window wanting against all reason to ease itís pain when a great light filled the room. A great light from inside my own house. It illuminated every room and all things near my home. It shone out from the window and onto the territory of the dark soul. I could no longer see it although I was certain it still lingered there. I imagined it seeking solace in the darkness of the muck beneath the grass. Yes, my prayers had been answered. My own integrity and character had won out over the dark force but rather than to kid myself of my own power I thanked God deeply and honestly for the strength to keep my faith alive in the face of that horrible darkness.
The Carrions will soon come to take him away forever and I have been given the grace to live out the rest of my days in this body free of that dark and vile creature, that horrible void that sought only and always to lead me to wrongdoing.
I went back to my room that night, bathed in a light I had no idea even existed, had only heard rumours of up until then. I thanked God again as I lay my head down on my pillow. This time appreciating the effort involved in always staying connected to me, just enough that no matter how the dark being tried the glimmer of light and hope of love was never extinguished from my soul. Oh what a peaceful sleep.