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Diana M. Estill

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Member Since: Jun, 2006

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Books
· Idiots and Children

· This Can't Be Normal

· When Horses Had Wings

· Stilettos No More

· Deedee Divine's Totally Skewed Guide to Life

· Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road


Short Stories
· Irish Lies

· Halloween Hoochies

· Choosing Chocolates: Buyer Beware

· Riding in Cars with Kids


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· ForeWord Book of the Year Finalist, Humor

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· Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road to be released as audiobook

· Texas humorist to appear at Barnes & Noble, Dallas, TX

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Books by Diana M. Estill
Football Terms for Dummies
By Diana M. Estill
Posted: Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Last edited: Wednesday, September 19, 2007
This short story is rated "PG" by the Author.
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Recent stories by Diana M. Estill
· Irish Lies
· Halloween Hoochies
· Choosing Chocolates: Buyer Beware
· Riding in Cars with Kids
           >> View all 5
Football terminology defined by a frustrated wife

Copyright © 2006, 2007 by Diana Estill

 

During football season, throngs of men thrive on nachos and “brewskis” and intentionally ignore their best interests—their wives. For football widows like me, this period can be frustrating. So I thought I’d offer a few sports definitions to encourage better marital communications. Both parties need to understand football terminology.

            “Okay. The white lines mark yardage, but what’s that yellow line?” I asked recently. I pretended to be engrossed in a televised football game.

            My husband snapped, “It shows how far they have to go to make the first down.” His tone revealed his irritation and the extent to which I’d interrupted his thoughts.

            For a second, I considered his explanation. Surely the distance needed to make a first down changed with each play. Maybe he’d only half heard my question. After all, the TV camera operator had zoomed in on a bouncing set of mammary glands right about then. “Well, how do they get someone down onto the field to paint it so fast?” I pressed.

            Anyway, if someone (I won’t say whom) had better communications skills, I might have understood that the yellow line was only a digital enhancement! It distorts the real image, kind of like those camera filters they use to video cheerleaders’ thighs. (You’d never suspect those are the same gals who do the Dove ads, now would you?)

But I’ve digressed.

For those like me, people whose partners are incapable of breaking down football to its lowest form, let me define a few basics.

 

Football game—A game of physical challenge in which two groups outfit themselves to look like they’ve tripled their normal body bulk. Opposing team members, who hurl themselves at each other, pretend the fate of civilization hinges upon the control of an inflated piece of pigskin.

 

My team—Unless your partner has just returned from a corporate training event, “my team” refers to an imaginary assembly of football players who are either coached or quarterbacked by your mate. (Note: a precursor to “Fantasy Football”)

 

We won—During football season “we” can mean “yes,” sort of like it does in French. When your partner says, “We won!” you can pretty much interpret this to mean “yes” to anything you want for the rest of that day. (Important Exception: “We lost” carries the opposite meaning of “yes.” In fact, this phrase can suggest a number of performance issues for men—both on- and off-screen.)

 

Game Day—The best day of the week to shop, especially when your spouse shouts “We won!”

 

What?  Are you Blind?—A phrase yelled to no one in particular in an effort to displace latent authority issues. Typically, this habit is accompanied by a violation of some

sort—most often to your eardrums.

 

Football pot—1. A seasonal expansion of girth or, 2. The elusive explanation for where your food budget monies have been disappearing.

 

Halftime—The sports-altered time frame in which all meals must be served even if this means sitting down for dinner at 4:00 p.m. Also the quantitative measurement used to compare the pace of meal consumption during football season to otherwise normal eating habits.

 

Fourth and One—A period of seconds preceding either an eruptive scream of jubilation or a dangerous time for house pets.

 

Hel-lo! —An expression that indicates your guy is sharing a virtual moment with the woman of his dreams. As in, he’s pretending that if he could meet the half-nude cheerleader on the screen she might actually make eye contact with him. This presents the ideal time to mention that bald spot on the back of your fellow’s head. Don’t worry. He won’t get mad because you already lost him at “Hello.”

 

In some small way, I hope this has been helpful.

 

Diana Estill is the author of Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust, & Lawn Care, (Brown Books), from which this story was excerpted.  Her book is available in bookstores and online.  

(Watch the book trailer video on YouTube.com.)

Web Site: Author's homepage  

Reader Reviews for "Football Terms for Dummies"


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Reviewed by L Hippler
I'm not even much of a football fan. But I thouroghly enjoyed this. I think writing humor is a talent you either have or don't have. And you have it.
Larry H
Reviewed by Walt Hardester
Now this is funny......BTW.."We" lost.

Walt
Reviewed by Jack Lowe
Funny, funny stuff. I recognized myself in your portrait of the average guy football fan. Even moreso this year, since I am a Chicago Bears fan. The Chicago Bears---a team that has gone, now, 20+ years without cheerleaders AND a Super Bowl win! Yeesh.

But at least I can get a laugh from your witty writing. You are the Erma Bombeck of the 21st Century.
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
This is hilarious! You've scored the winning touchdown with this entertaining write; thanks for the smiles! Very well done; brava!

(((HUGS))) and much love~

From one football fan to another, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D

My favorite teams are the Dallas Cowgirls (boys! LOL) and the New Orleans Saints. :D
Reviewed by Dennis Coleman
Clever. I enjoyed that.

I noticed you avoided the whole "tight end," thing. Too obvious.
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner
LOLOLOLOL!!! Too funny: now: nose tackle. Does someone on one team grab the nose of the guy on the other team and pull 'im down??? Love this, well done.

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.

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