You may never be too old to dress up for Halloween, but you could be beyond your prime for costumes such as the “Sea Goddess Mermaid.” Think bare hips, exposed navel, and nearly nothing on top (the outfit, that is, not what’s stuffed into it). The only person who wants to see me dressed like that is my gynecologist. And even he expects to be paid.
But for some women the desire to release their inner skank for “Fright Night” is stronger than a Paris Hilton media hold. In fact, this trend is so universal that the “Prostitute Pirate” costume I found online is now available in . . . wait for it . . . plus sizes!
Regardless of age or heft, or for that matter even marital status, this time of year brings out the latent hoochie mamma in many. And retailers, aiming to please consumers, are happy to accommodate. That’s why, when I go shopping for a party costume, I’m confronted with two basic choices: witch ensembles and “Whoa! I can’t wear THAT!”
While lamenting the loss of my previous youthful figure, I confessed to a group of friends the difficulties of finding appropriate clothing. Another woman over 50 remarked, “Oh, I know! I mean, when I go out, I still want to look hot.”
Hot? At my age, I’d be willing to settle for tepid!
But I’ve digressed.
Men, other than maybe ones like Richard Simmons, do not suffer these concerns. Guys don’t select their Halloween party or any other type attire based on how much skin a getup permits them to display. No. That’s unnecessary because they wisely intuit that, to appear irresistible to the opposite sex, all they have to do is equip themselves with any one of the following: a) a tool belt, b) a vacuum cleaner, or c) a guitar.
However, we gals expect we need fishnet stockings to catch a man’s attention. Either that or naked thighs, skimpy garb and a humongous pair of earrings. You probably thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you? I just didn’t figure there was any point in mentioning that. Of course, everyone knows that what’s most riveting to a guy is a 36-inch or greater size high definition TV.
This year, as usual, I’ve been invited to a Halloween party. But I’m leaving all the French maid outfits, naughty nurses’ uniforms and Elvira vampire dresses to the younger gals. They can traipse around in those revealing costumes all they want. I’ll still be receiving plenty of attention because I know how to deal with that kind of competition.
I’m planning to layer on the self-tanners, throw on a blond wig and a designer knockoff dress, and wear all my jewelry at once—including my best cubic zirconias! Yep, I’m attending the party disguised as a middle-aged heiress, one who might be looking for a new pool boy, another dependent, or possibly a place to park some venture capital.
So go ahead and show off all the “stuff” you want, girls. I’ve got enough years on you to know what best attracts male attention!
Copyright 2007 Diana Estill