Prologue

Janet Phillips writhed on the laboring bed waiting for the pain medication to take effect.  Her husband, Ken, sat peacefully at her side.  Janet attempted to push her wet hair off her face and neck.  She looked at her husband disgusted.  What did he care?  “Ken, ask the nurse if I can have some ice chips.”

“You know you can’t have anything, honey.”

“Get me a cool wet wash cloth for my face then.  Just do something.”

Janet flipped the sodden pillow over and flopped back emitting a deep sigh.  Her husband left the room.  The medication given about 20 minutes ago was taking effect and a light headedness overtook her.  She felt herself spiraling down into the dark abyss of unconsciousness.  She floated and dreamed finding herself at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the garden of the home they used to own.  The flowers had bloomed and were beautiful.

Susan, their 6 year old daughter, was out on the back step quietly playing with her dolls.  Brian, their 4 year old son, was taking a nap.  She had a moment to herself.  She absentmindedly ran her hand over her lower abdomen.  She smiled to herself.  They were going to have another child.

With the acute hearing of a mother she noted the soft patter of stocking feet coming at her bringing her out of her reverie.  Brian tugged on the leg of her pants.  It was a game they played after he got up from his nap.  She ignored him prolonging the game.  From the corner of her eye she could see Brian’s beaming face, but still she pretended not to know he was there.  Brian, unable to control himself began to squeal from anticipated delight.  Janet started down and grabbed him lifting him up so that he was at the level of her face.  She buried her face in his soft childish stomach, forcefully expelling air while Brian shrieked his pleasure.  Suddenly, she felt dizzy and nearly lost her balance.  She released her son.

            Janet led Brian over to the sofa and they sat down together.  She ran her hand over her bulging lower abdomen again.  There was no use in ignoring her pregnancy, it was becoming too evident.  She smiled.  

            Janet flopped restlessly in bed fighting the nightmare images that cascaded down on her as agitation sped her through the unpleasantness of the move.  Tensions had run high even after they were all together.  Susan and Brian were unhappy to leave their friends.  Ken and she were less than happy being forced to rent a house here and have to rent their own home.  The uncertainty of having renters in their home and what could happen in property damage or skipping out on rent added to their strain.

            Settling in had not been any fun and Brian insecure with the move had taken to awakening in the middle of the night and joining them in bed.  Moving Brian back to his bed ended in futility because he awoke later and crawled back with them.  This arrangement had been taking place for the entire two weeks they had all been together.  It had become an unpleasant established habit.

            “Oh, jeez.”  Ken doubled over, rolled out of bed and hit the floor.

            Janet startled awake flipped on the lamp.  “What’s wrong?

            “Uhhh…”

            “Ken, what’s the problem with you?”  Janet got out of bed and walked to Ken’s side.  Ken was covered in sweat and very pale.  His eyes bulged out with a glazed look.

            “Dear?”

            His words were hissed out through gritted teeth.  “Brian kicked me in the balls.”

            “Oh.”

            “Is that all the sympathy I get for the pain I’m in?”  Ken rolled back and forth on the floor still doubled over.

            “Well, what do you want me to do?  Get you an ice pack?”

            “Forget it, just forget it.”  Ken slowly attained a standing position.  “I would like one night’s sleep without being kicked by my son; preferably my wife would be by my side.  Is that too much to ask?”

            “You know I have repeatedly taken Brian back to his bed.  It just hasn’t worked.  And while you’re so upset you might as well know that I’m pregnant.”

            “What?”

            Through clenched teeth she asked, “Oh, come on.  You’ve just been avoi9ding my pregnancy just like I have.  We can’t go on like this.”

            “Look, tonight has become too much for me.  I’m going to go to the office to sleep.  The awful sofa at the office will be better than this.”

            “You’re welcome.  I’m so glad to be carrying your child.”

            “Okay, okay, look I just need some time alone to recover.  I’m really happy about the baby.  Ken dressed, ran out of the bedroom.  Seconds later the front door slammed rattling the windows.

            Janet slumped back on the bed, head lowered.  She caught Brian out of the corner of her eye, sleeping undisturbed.  He was half uncovered.  Janet swung her legs up on the bed and covered Brian and herself.  She clutched her pillow fringe and cried into it.  Ken should have noticed her weight gain but he had remained mute on the subject.  After all he wasn’t a rookie either.  Janet felt relief with the subject out in the open now.  They’d had crises before.  The best thing was not to panic about what expense a new baby would bring, no matter how prepared and experienced they were.  Janet felt the physical strain of the growing baby sapping her strength.  She slid into sleep without a further thought.

            The nurse, Rachel, appeared, “how’s the pain relief?”

            Janet bolted awake.  All she could think of was to slip back into the euphoria and away from the pain and anxiety.  “It’s starting to wear off.  May I have another one?”

            "No, but let me check you over to see if you’re far enough along for an epidural.  It’s preferable to the narcotics and will keep you very comfortable.  And I know an anesthesiologist is free to do it now.”

            While Janet had been pain free her labor had progressed and Rachel arranged for the epidural.  Once again comfortable, Janet felt her dread for the outcome of this pregnancy, so sure that there was something abnormal about it.  Since both Ken and she had tried to ignore its existence for so long she carried guilt that had tainted the pregnancy from the beginning.  She had felt so drained and depressed.  There was all the vomiting.  She hadn’t eaten well.  Then what she had learned from her friend, Kate, all added up to overwhelming fear about what she would now spawn.  She tried to erase the blame from herself.  It wasn’t her fault that she hadn’t known anyone at the beginning.  What was she supposed to have done?

            She had called the physician’s referral service and had been given a list of obstetricians’ names.  She had phoned the first one on the list.  The receptionist had been personable.  Janet felt a connection to the doctor just on how sensitive and warm the secretary was.  She had made an appointment ignoring the rest of the list of doctors.  She felt good about her choice, a Dr. Baker.  She had gone into this with blind trust that the medical community would take good care of their unborn child and herself.  She’d trusted them.  What had she done?