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Denise Love Contreras

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Chapter Five Surrender.
By Denise Love Contreras
Sunday, July 01, 2007

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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"With Total Surrender goes the obsession".

A special friend told that to me. Her story is in this chapter I call her

"My Earth Angel".

I believe I have to totally surrender in order to be free.

For me surrendering is letting go of everything: people, places and things.

Don't get me wrong, I do not mean to sit on my tush all day. What I mean is that there are certain things I have to do to take care of myself, and be responsible. I have to be there for people, if I say I will be somewhere I better be there. If I make a commitment I better show up. If I want a job I better look for the job. God takes care of us but we have to also do some footwork. I have learned I cannot change anyone but myself. No matter how hard I try it always fails. I am the problem. 

My thinking is the problem. If I am trying to work on someone else, all I am doing is running from myself. Helping someone is one thing but trying to change someone and not helping ourselves is when we get into trouble. That is not easy for me, because I seem to like to be in charge. I like things to go my way, but it does not always work out that way. I have realized most things are none of my business because I came to the realization I cannot get into other people’s problems.

I know God has a plan for me, and when I stay out of His way things go smoother. I get a peace within myself. I believe nothing changes if nothing changes. I have come to the realization that life is how I react to it. I can enjoy it, or I can destroy it. It is up to me as to how I react to the experiences that happen in my life. I learned the hard way and now I choose to take an easier way. Staying out of God’s way.

This is for my dear friend I call

"My Earth Angel."

I believe you are My Earth Angel because you have so much love to give others. You are a loving lady. You taught me how to be a lady and how to stand up for myself. You explained to me how God loves me and I am one with God. I believe God works through people. I believe that when the student is ready the teacher does appear. You have had a big effect on my life. I am so grateful to know you. You are an example of God's love. I believe God knew I needed you, because I was so stubborn that I had to be dealt with in a different way. You let me know I am loved by God, and forgiven. You told me all I had to do was let the love of God in. You explained to me that I am a child of God, and I am a human being. You told me God made me human, and gave me free will.

You reminded me that God is with me everywhere I go. I had a hard time accepting that at first because I was so full of fear. I felt God would punish me for all I did. You explained to me that the things I did was the past, you reminded me that God was with me the whole time. You told me that God was walking with me all through my life. You were trying to let me know that my sins were defects of character. You told me that He loves me no matter what. You said God forgave me and God does not make junk. I had to ask myself "do I love God? Do I believe in God? How and why does God love me?" I was not willing to allow a love of God as you described to me, to love me.

I did not understand how a loving God could ever love me or forgive me. I just did not feel Him or accept Him. I was full of hate. I was so used to being miserable. It took a while for me to accept a loving God and believe with in my heart. My Earth Angel, you have been patient with me, and you have loved me until I could love myself. You told me to believe because you believed. You took the place of my mom and grandma. You have so much love to give to people. You have a lot of experience of living life with God.

When I got the word from the doctor, August 2000 that you have cancer and have 3 to 6 months to live that tore me apart. I heard the words come from the doctor. His voice spoke, I melted and cried. I thought my life was coming to an end. I just turned 5 years sober that week and I was told you were dying. I wanted to go run and hide into my make believe world that I was in as a child, and not feel the pain inside. I had to allow the love of God in and accept what was told to me. At that time in the hospital I was not thinking positively. I was angry, and did not want to accept what was happening. I love you.

My Earth Angel, you are alive and still your loving self. I remember when you told me the day we die is the day we win the Emmy for living a good life. That I know! You have won the Emmy. You have been an example to so many people. You have lived a good life. What I am learning from this experience is that life is a journey. Were not here forever, so we better enjoy life and each other. Also we better accept life, and accept death. Death is the Emmy like you have told me and I am so blessed. God is in charge. We are His children.

I do not know my future but I do know I am not alone. I never walk alone, unless I choose to. I believe God is a gentleman and He won't force us to do anything or punish us. We do the forcing and punishing to each other and ourselves. We're so blessed. We need to keep our eyes and ears open to see the blessings in this journey called life. When we pass on we will be filled with the love of God.

My Earth Angel, you are a wonderful lady. You are an example of how to live. You are a shining example of God’s love.

My Earth Angel, you’re a very special person. I am blessed to call you friend and Mom. God always gives us what we need and always takes care of us like you have taught me, and shown me, through your actions. I believe within every fiber of my being, that I am a child of God. God loves me, and is taking care of me. I know that God is with you, Earth Angel. I know God is with each and everyone of us. If we ask we shall receive. God is a gentleman and never forces anything. Let us open the door and let Him in. He is there waiting for us.

Earth Angel, you have been my example and teacher. You loved me for me. You accepted me for me. Because, you love me. I am learning to love others as you do me. My Earth Angel, I thank you for loving me, teaching me that God is here. I know we're not here on this earth forever but you will always be in my heart. I love you. He made you like his Angels. God performed a miracle, when He made you.

Thank you My Earth Angel.

When I feel alone, I try to remind myself of all the positive things in my life. When I am feeling that there are no positive things in my life that is when I want to run, hide and die. I can't help but remember when I was abused in my childhood and with my ex husband, then I get grateful fast. I am grateful for the people in my life. That understand the pain within, from being abused, the hell we lived, and not wanting to live. One thing that helps me is a gratitude list. I don't always remember to write a gratitude list, but when I do, it helps. So here is a list I would like to share with you.

I am feeling down right now. I want to share with you how I try to change my negative thoughts to positive thoughts. I am grateful for the sun and the rain to help the earth. I am grateful for the so-called negative things in my life that make me stronger and I am grateful for the positive in my life to help me grow. I am grateful for my husband who loves me and lets me be me. He lets me make mistakes and lets me get back up and try again. He is a blessing, he has been patient and loving toward me. I am grateful for my Higher Power most of all, because I believe in the power of love. I believe that God’s love works through people. I believe when we are willing and ready the people come to us and we to them. I believe we all work together to help each other grow in this journey called life. The teacher appears when the student is ready. I believe we all are teachers and we all are students at different times in our lives. I am alive and breathing because of that love.

God’s love, higher power whatever you would like to call it. I choose to say God’s loving care and feel His arms around me. I believe God is all. So for that I am full of gratitude and so it is.

Thank you God.

 All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Denise Contreras




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Reviewed by MaryGrace Patterson 7/30/2007
You were blessed to find and have your EARTH ANGEL.. God was gracious!......M

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