My agent Jerry called me late last night. "Mr J is one of the biggest studio execs in Hollywood wants to meet you tommorrow afternoon at his studio, Temptation Pictures, can you make it?"
"Omigosh Jerry tommorow is Christmas eve. I've got some last minute shopping to do for all of my friends...I need to get ready for Alocki's Pagan Party tommorrow evening...Then I want to go to Midnight Mass. The nerve of that Mr J....I know he's a big shot and all but.......what does he want me to do?.....Read him a few lines so I can be cast as an extra in some little known action film that will be made three years from now?"
I know I was being sarcastic but face it I've rubbed elbows with all kinds of studio execs at network functions and I always get the same stupid reponse. "Don't call us.... We'll call you" and of course they never call.
"Fifi as your agent I advise you to meet Mr J," Jerry answered quietly. "You can't leave any stones unturned in this business, especially with a man as powerful as Mr J. This could be your big break. He's expecting you at 1pm sharp so be there."
"Allright allright Jerry," I growled back. "I'll go meet this....big shot.......but between you and I let's hope this meeting is my big break and not a waste of my gas money plus my precious Christmas shopping time."
Sooooo I leave the next day like an hourand and a half early because you people know we are talking about driving in LA and on top of that it's Christmas Eve when every two legged creature on Earth is doing his or her Christmas shopping......
I actually arrive at the Temptation Studio parking lot about a half hour before my appointment in my beat up old pickup truck....I'm all dressed up in a nice business attire and I ask the security guard where Mr Big Shot's office is....."Are you kidding me? He's our CEO," the security guard, a heavy set fellow, answers back...."Just drive into the lot and Mr J's office is in a large two story white building on top of a hill...You'll see it...."
I drive into the lot and I drive past all these sets and large sound stages and I see people walking by, some dressed like cowboys, some dressed like creatures from the planet Zenon, some who are just dressed like regular people....After about a five minute drive, I see Mr Big Shot's office on top of a small hill just like the security guard told me."
When I get to Mr Big Shot's office I'm greeted by an attractivre young blonde secretary. After about a 10 minute wait, the secretary tells me that Mr J is ready to meet me.
I go into this fellow's office and OMIGOSH THE OFFICE IS AS MY ENTIRE VAN NUYS APARTMENT, there's like a board room in the back and everything. Of course Mr J is a tall dark handsome fortysomething hunk in an expensive suit and what else do I see in his office?....LOTS AND LOTS OF PICTURES OF GIRLS....NO GUYS......JUST GIRLS......ALL OF THEM QUITE ATTRACTIVE.......
Mr J shakes my hand and tells me to sit in a plush leather armchair across from his desk...."Sit down Ms Larouche...." He has a very deep voice...."You probably notice all the pictures of young ladies here, some of them as you can see well known motion picture stars and pop singers....The Chairman of Temptation who is 'female' deals with all of the 'young men.'"
"So you want me to do a cold reading for you so minor upcoming role in one of your films, you know like something from Shakespeare? I'm very good at doing cold readings...It seems like that's all I've been doing the last couple of years, of course I always get turned down."
Mr J laughed....."You are quite humorous young lady. You don't have to worry about auditioning for any more roles or doing any 'screen tests.' You're gonna get top billing in almost every major film my studio makes in the next 30 or 40 years....The CEO who will replace me when I retire, MY SON, will make sure that you get will continue to get lead roles in all Temptation films long after I retire." He smiles at me sardonic like. "What do you think about that girl? I've already made you a major film star, can't get a better Christmas present than that right?"
I look at Mr J for a few minutes and try to 'hide' my excitement...."I'm quite flattered Mr J by you making me an instant star but I do have a simple little question. Why the heck would you make me a star when you haven't seen any of my audition tapes, any of my demos or have you?"
"OH YOU'RE QUITE WRONG YOUNG LADY," Mr J shouts. "I HAVE SEEN ALL OF YOUR DEMO TAPES. YOU ARE THE PERFECT LEAD ACTRESS FOR PRACTICALLY EVERY MAJOR FEATURE FILM I WILL BE MAKING IN THE NEXT TWO OR THREE DECADES. NOW PLEASE JUST TAKE THIS LITTLE 'CONTRACT' AND SIGN IT AND WE'LL BE ALL SET....."
Before I sign the contract I look at Mr J curious like, "Lead actress for the next two or three decades...I'll be getting older...It's tough for older actresses to be given lead roles in movies....Why would I be any different?"
Mr J sat back in his chair with a big smile and twiddled his thumbs. "BECAUSE I WILL GIVE YOU A 'SECRET' SO THAT YOU AGE A BIT MORE SLOWLY AS SOON AS YOU SIGN THE CONTRACT.....IN TWO OR THREE DECADES YOU WON'T LOOK MUCH OLDER THAN YOU DO NOW....BY THE WAY DID ANYONE TELL YOU THAT I WAS RELATED TO ST NICK?....THAT FAT WHITE BEARDED FELLOW IN A RED SUIT WHO IS GOING TO BE VISITING EVERYBODY'S HOUSE TONITE EXCEPT I'M KNOWN AS........ST......JULIUS..." he gave a loud sinister laugh....."SO COMEON SIGN THE CONTRACT....WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?....EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE PERFECT FOR YOU FROM NOW ON..."
I sighed and sat back in my chair....I didn't even have to question who this person was.....I met this 'person' before as a 'Mr X' in what I though was a strange dream....He just refuses to give up. I glanced at the contract...It said I would have to make a number of 'personal service' appearances at numerous functions as part of my duties....And at the end it said I would be spending a lot of time doing numerous other functions for 'ST JULIUS.' Notice it said 'spending a lot of time' with St Julius, perhaps an eternity?"
I looked at Mr J, smiled and ripped the contract in front of his face just like when I did the same thing when 'He' was Mr X...."You just don't give up do you? And all those naive young girls whose pictures I see here that you're taking advantage of, some of them pretty big name actresses. Well I'm not one of them. I WONDER HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE WORKING FOR YOU....NOW I SEE WHAT THE PROPHETS AND TEACHERS FROM THE 'HIGHER REALMS' MEANT WHEN THEY TOLD ME IN MY SLEEP THAT SPIRITS BOTH GOOD AND EVIL FROM THE HIGHER REALMS COME TO EARTH IN HUMAN FORM TO EITHER HELP PEOPLE OR TO CHEAT PEOPLE....OF COURSE YOU'RE MR BIG SHOT HIMSELF RIGHT MR J OR MR X OR WELL?....I KNOW WHO YOU ARE....BY THE WAY WHERE ARE YOUR HORNS? I'M SURE YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT TONITE I WILL BE ATTENDING MIDNIGHT MASS TO CELEBRATE 'HIS' YOUR MAIN RIVAL'S BIRTH....."
As I walked out the door... Mr J shouted ."BE A STRUGGLING OLD WAITRESS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE LOOKING FOR THAT PERFECT BREAK WHICH WILL NEVER COME OR THAT ALL AMERICAN BOY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHO YOU'LL NEVER MEET.....AND YOU MAY WIND UP WITH ME WHEN IT'S ALL OVER ANYWAYS 'HE' OR THOSE OTHER PROPHETS DON'T GUARANTEE YOU ANYTHING....OR MAYBE LIKE I TOLD IT BEFORE IT WILL ALL BE 'BLACK' GIRL....NOTHING BUT BLACK....YOU HAD YOUR OPPORTUNITY GIRL...I WON'T BOTHER YOU ANY MORE..LOOK AT SOME OF THESE BIG SHOT AWARD WINNING ACTRESSES WHOSE CAREERS I MADE....YOU WON'T BE ONE OF THEM...YOU'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WHAT A COUPLE OF YEARS NOW?" He let out a roaring laugh......"THE DOUBLE OS ARE ALMOST OVER. THE NEXT DECADE IS THE TEENS....WHILE SOME PEOPLE WILL BE LIVING LIKE KINGS AND QUEENS IN THE TEENS FIFI WILL BE EATING PORK AND BEANS.....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH."
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MR J OR MR X OR ST NICK...I KNOW YOU HATE HEARING THAT.." I shouted to Mr J and walked out of his office with a big smile......