After the Disaster
An Excerpt from An Interview with Perris Hilarious

Satire - Unpublished

The following represents the last few minutes of an interview that was never conducted and did not take place on August 5, 2007. The interviewer was not Mark Applebaum from NCC Empire News, the interviewee was not Perris Hilarious, recently released from jail where she had not been held for misdemeanor assault charges. The interview was not conducted at the modest home of the interviewee.
. . . .

PH: “Yes, it is sad. So many of the girls in there are innocent.”
MARK: “Did you get a chance to talk to them?”
PH: “Oh, no. The Sheriff told me.”
MARK: “He told you they were innocent?”
PH: “Oh, yes. He told me he probed the circumstances of many of those girls and that they were sooo innocent.”
MARK: “He probed all of them?”
PH: Oh, no. Just the ones with money. Most of the others are so poor.”
Mark: “Okay, let me ask something else if I may.”
PH: “Oh, yes, go right ahead.”
MARK: “We heard that you found God the first time you went to jail. Is that true ?”
PH: “Well, not altogether the first time. There really was not enough time to do more than just say 'Hi,' what with all my doctors, psychiatrists, lawyers, hairdressers and nutritionists trying to help me. But, yes, I did find him.”
MARK: “Did you know he was lost before?”
PH: “Oh, no. Not really. But he must be in there more than any other place else because so many seem to find him in there.”
MARK: “But even if you found him the second time you went to jail, that's pretty quick, don't you think? I mean, even most people on the outside take years to find him, if they ever do.”
PH: “Oh, yes, you are so right. There are so many empty churches filled with empty people, it is so sad. But I like these churches that have so high domed ceilings because there is lots of air one can learn from.”
MARK: “Could you explain this thing about the air?”
PH: “Oh, yes. But it's really simply. The way I understand how the mind of most people works is that they have a lot of that gray spaghetti stuff in their heads, which does not leave lots of room to have good ideas come in. I mean, we are now talking, do you see our words floating in the air?”
MARK: “Ehhh, no.”
PH: “Exactly. All ideas and thoughts are invisible and if there is no room in your head, these thoughts cannot get in. So, from the air inside a high-domed cathedral comes the idea of God into your head, but only if there is enough airspace. Do you understand now?”
MARK: “That's an interesting theory. Who told you about that?”
PH: “Have you not seen our six little doggies run around the house? I talk to them and they tell me lots of things. They are so cute and clever. Not only that, but if you drop-kick them across the room, they always land on their feet. Just like Daddy.”
MARK: “You mean your Daddy drop-kicks them too?”
PH: “Oh, no. I mean just like Mommy drop-kicks Daddy. He always land on his feet too. Remember when Mommy came to pick me up from jail and she did not get out of the van?”
MARK: “Yeah, we all saw that.”
PH: “Well, that's because she had sprained her ankle and now you know why.”
MARK: “One last thing, Perris. Every time you are in public, we cannot help but notice you are always glancing down on yourself as if to make sure you are as cute as ever. Is that true ?”
PH: “Oh, yes, it's true . My fans want to see me at my best and I always worry that I may have gained another ounce. So yes, I am checking. And thanks for finding me cute. I think I have to go now.”
MARK: “Yes, you are right. Our time is just about up.”
PH: “No, I mean, I have to go now. Bye.”