Starlight Ledger
Hollywood, California
Frank Conrad Haseldorf, Staff Writer
The following announcement arrived in our offices just prior to deadline yesterday, too late for inclusion, but this morning we had an opportunity to interview Mr. Hinkelhuber. The received announcement read as follows:
“My name is Alfred Franz Hinkelhuber and I am running for President of the United States of America. You will actually know me by another name altogether since I am a very famous actor in Hollywood, using a pseudonym, but I have to use my real name when registering to be a candidate for any political office.”
FCH: “Good morning, Mr. Hinkelhuber. Thank you for allowing us to be the first to receive the news of your candidacy.”
AFH: “You're quite welcome. But call me Freddy.”
FCH: “Okay, Freddy. I must admit my surprise to actually see you in person and understand that you are, indeed, a very well-known actor in this country. Why are you still concealing your identity by which you are widely known?”
AFH: “In the business, it's called 'Suspense and Awe' and I would like to use this principle to its fullest. In a few days, I shall be releasing my photograph and by then everyone will, indeed, react with 'Ahhh.' At least, that's the planned reaction from my fans.”
FCH: “When did you decide to enter the political arena, away from a very successful career in the movie business?”
AFH: “Actually, I have been in politics ever since I became a known actor. That's what happens in this industry.”
FCH: “Could you explain that, please? I don't understand.”
AFH: “You may well wonder how I may be qualified to run for this office since I have been an actor my entire life. But this is Hollywood. Once one becomes famous, we all have an obligation to pass on our political knowledge obtained from our various movie roles and the Actors Guild makes it quite plain that this is a mandate from the people of this great country. It's a tradition.”
FCH: “What political knowledge?”
AFH: “It's a much misunderstood facet of an actor's life but it is really quite simple. We get involved in the roles we play, exposing ourselves thereby to a much deeper understanding of the textures of life, its complexities and depths, and how the role we play in each epoch has affected the lives of those around us. No other citizen has that kind of deep saturation into the very essence of existence, which is why we also have a much higher understanding of the needs of our country. Do you follow our logic?”
FCH: “If that's what it is, yes. You are saying that your movie roles take on a life of its own and you become the character you play, at least for a time.”
AFH: “Exactly. The character we play saturates us until we become full of it and ourselves.”
FCH: “I see. Full, indeed. Could you give me an example?”
AFH: “Okay. For example, the last role I played was that of an undercover CIO agent stationed in the Middle East. For that reason, I had to study the foreign policy of the United States, CIO practices and methods to kill foreign agents and terrorists, and also how to woo female agents.”
FCH: “Woo?”
AFH: “You know, 'Seduce and Conquer,' another Hollywood principle.”
FCH: “Did you mean the movie 'Lost Horizons'?”
AFH: “Right on.”
FCH: “Then you are referring to the CIA, not the CIO?”
AFH: “Covert Intelligence Operations, CIO, is that not it?”
FCH: “Actually, that movie dealt with the Central Intelligence Agency, CIA.”
AFH: “Oh, well, you know all these government abbreviations can drive you nuts.”
FCH: “You're right, it obviously does. But don't let me interrupt. You were saying . . . ?”
AFH: “You men the 'Woo' part?”
FCH: “No, the part where you had to study and became fully saturated.”
AFH: “Yes, yes, indeed. As I was saying: the study of that one role has now qualified me to effectively deal with issues of US Foreign Policy, National Security, Women's issues and so on. In another movie, I played a doctor and thereby became versed in National Health Issues and National Health Insurance requirements. This is also where I learned that all US citizens should be HMO patients since their billing practices are much more uniform and standardized. Also, Medicare should be turned over to private industry since there is no reason why those profits should go to the US Government instead of private industry. And . . . '
FCH: “Hold it, Freddy, slow down, you are overwhelming me with a lot of political views.”
AFH: “You see? All of us actors, at least the famous ones, have the ears of the country but it is obvious that some ears just don't see what we stand for. But let me give you just one more example, it's very relevant.”
FCH: “Okay, Freddie, go ahead.”
AFH: “Remember the movie where I was elected to be President of the United States?”
FCH: “Who could forget? That was one funny movie. 'Patriots Forever,' was that it?”
AFH: “Yeah. And that's where I really learned about our American people, their interrelationships, their wants and desires, and about interns. It really qualifies me for the job.”
FCH: “Interns?”
AFH: “Yeah, you know, those unpaid young folks coming up in the world, working at the White House.”
FCH: “You mean like Monica?”
AFH: “Monica? No, I mean Julie. She played an intern on the set and well, ah, talk about getting into it. The role, I mean.”
FCH: “Okay, Freddie, I think this about does it. I think I am now becoming saturated.”
AFH: “That's great. I'll send you my picture in a few days.”
Mr. Hinkelhuber promised us his best photo, the one showing him in his role of Nuclear Physicist Siegfried Ecklund, which surely gave him the necessary knowledge about red buttons in the Oval Office.
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