A Tall Tale! Or…T..l
Now I know for certain that this was a personal challenge thrown at me by the Gods, they shall remain un named , like as if they were un Gods, so to speak, for me thinks a sort of decent chap of a God would relent already and give me that crown for my highly earned achievements. Testing my loyalty, day by day, every week, every month nearly five now, and then just as I proved myself, trying just for one last time to take it away, at least I hope this is the last, just can’t imagine it getting any worse. For month now they have tried every thing, tons and buckets of snow, then freezing rain, then ploughing the roads so high that it would a mountaineer to get over, getting my stuck waist deep in snow that only acrobatics got me back out, then more snow;….. Of course they know I have and inseam of only twenty five inches, and I am sure they were rolling in the aisles up there.
I swore somehow I will repay these jokers once I gets to met them, I will give them the frosty reception they deserve, along with all the ffffffn snow they could possible not handle, these smart asses. They know now I am not easily defeated, and sooner or later that crown is mine, but their last effort yesterday, deserves an enlarged kingdom to go with it. Would you believe that they even tried to lock me into my house so much snow that the dog wouldn’t go out the back door to do his thing, good thing I had placed the shovel right beside the door and could just reach it, then gingerly put all the snow first of out of house entrance and then for hours work my way through to the front and backyard, but also the previous day, they had me lose my winter mitts somewhere in a snow bank, it was a miserable test. Now as you could imagine, it would be much easier to work in broad daylight, but this tunnelling, its bad enough that daylight hours are at a minimum, or maybe I just don’t see it, hell, I don’t even see the house, it’s the ever watchful crows that guide me home at night, or maybe it’s day who knows. Well yesterday those un-named ffffn. Whoever they are outdid themselves as I said, the snow just kept coming along with some wet, god knows what, it took me, and this stuff was immensely heavy to shovel several hours to clear a path, and lifting the shovel up, way up, for there is no room no more, and as I said I’m only small, well I used enough of the famous fs that will bring me a reward for more sin in the shortest time. You can see can’t you, that I was perfectly justified, in case I need witnesses, before they send me to the other extreme, where it is extremely hot I hear, whatever, they are also probably really pissed off for they couldn’t buckle me under, they’ll have to give me my well earned reward sooner or later, I will expect a lot of genuflection when that happens, yeah, you better get in shape my friends with real exercise, knee bents is a good start, not that belly laughing you been doing watching me on U tube. I bet you were really having a ball yesterday seeing me stuck up to my belly in the middle of nowhere out there in the lonesomeness, but you hadn’t figured on my ingenuity and determination, you forgot to have no tree nearby that would come to my rescue, I love trees, and they know it, so what did you expect they talk to me, as I to them, not only that it was my favourite, the big oak that I hug every day, for it always held my little Jasmin in its fork when you was still in this realm, I also give it personal nourishment from my immeasurable supply of unused vitamins and leftovers. Well any way this tree in it’s thankfulness, whispered my friend you are in a bad state here may I, in knowledge of your private autonomy make a suggestions, darn that’s when my cell phone acted up, I said hang on for a second, it was my beloved caring wife who said, where on earth are you, it is almost six and getting dark, to which I sheepishly
answered, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere, and trying to get out from under the snow, there was no response for the moment, then, you’ll just have to make due, it’s getting dark and nobody will find you now, I will leave the door unlocked. It is always a good feeling to know when you’re loved, yet it didn’t spur me on, what did though, was the tingling crystals in my boots that had now reached my toes, and so with further ado now paid further attention to my tall friend. I said to him you are within reach if I can only get there within two feet, so what do you suggest, he looked at me in amusement being that he was well rooted in that snow himself, now listen up, you know all these times you hid behind me? I couldn’t help that when you did your thing, you hadn’t been circumcised, I was astounded, and said now look here, I did some kinky things in my life, no, no, he said my god what a thought, little monkeys like you, no what I meant was, you are still well endowed, seeing they didn’t cut most of it off, if you can unwrap it from your tummy, and throw it around my trunk, then it should be easy to pull yourself out, but watch that weasel over there or the owl they might think you’re throwing bait, and if not careful lose some of it. I gave it about a minutes thought, and having no other options, reached into the deep snow, fumbled around a while, but I was used to manipulating it all these years in many other circumstances, I finally had it so that I could lasso my friend, and sure enough, a couple of big heaves and the boots finally came up and I was free.
Now you can see that kindness always repays itself, I gave the tree another big hug, spread some more seed in its fork, for those that I had made all this effort in the first place. Now I’m not saying that I wasn’t happy, but I had a while to go yet, and the snow was still blowing, also there was this spot, where because of the river being swollen might be flooded, but eventually I made it home, proving that my loyalty to my little friends could not be broken by any god, winter demons and all, but the happiness of my success was dashed, by the icy reception I got, the last few words as she put the phone down where, he’s back Jack, it was colder now in the house then outside, I didn’t ask if that was Jack our insurance agent ……….and tomorrow will be another day, testy as it might be, and another trial, but I shall succeed! With a little help from my friends, and the fresh outdoor air, and although it might be a disappointment to others, I am sure, it will enrich, and prolong my life, as well as those of my friends out there.