I remember you.
Your lessons have been food and drink to me.
Through countless lifetimes Iíve felt you and Iíve used your lessons to build the walls of my cocoon which has also become my prison. It is dark and cramped and I remain here, locked inside, with only my memory of your great light.
Like husk on the corn, I wear each lifetime as a layer, each lesson as a shield. They cover me, protect me, conceal me, enrich me and suffocate me. Each day I pray that I might finally emerge and become what I am destined to be. Who am I Father? Among the field of others, who am I?
Tightly wrapped in a cocoon of your love, I try to fit all of my selves in. The cocoon is full and I must find another, until I have learned not to need one at all.
I bake in the shelter from the warmth of your sunlight, remembering.
Flashes come to me like the lightening which announces your presence. Water, sun, cliffs and well; the moment when I realized I was outside of you and the softness of my sisterís love. I am ready father, ready to receive your light. I have always been ready, to return to the place where you are more than memory, and I am more than mind.
My hull is old and brittle now and I must hold very still or it will break away. I do not wish to escape you. If you would have me here, I only wish to stay.
Cracks appear and I can see flickers of sunlight through the weaving of dreams that enclose me. What a blessing for that light.
My body is stiff and pained. Why am I so tired Father, when all I seem to do is rest? Rest and wish for you.
You have become silent to my mind and I am lost within my own stillness and my desire to be with you. My shell falls away so easily in spots; still it is so difficult to move. Where am I to go Father? You who are compass and vessel, ocean and wind. It is only by your hand that I can be made free. It is only through your healing that my pain will ever leave, only by your grace that I become what I should be.
A storm rises in my field and the wind blows many stalks to the ground. I can feel the others as they lay crushed beneath their sanctuaries and I know that they are as lost as I am. They wonder where you are, we wonder if weíve offended you. Have we come this far only to be trampled and forgotten?
The wind beats into the side of my shell, and I feel the pressure, such great pressure from the outside. The power of the wind has chilled me and the darkness adds to the loneliness that I feel without you. But I will stay here. As long as I know that you love me.
The storm passes quickly and I can read the signs of your face in the starlit sky. I can move a bit more freely now and my heart is lifted. I am inspired. What would you have me do? What shall I be for you now?
A flash, and my mind takes me to a winding place on a dark staircase where as a young nun I kneeled diligently on the stones and cried out for your intercession. That is all I have left to remember of such a sweet lifetime, when you and I both were God, and content to have it so.
I fell upon the patterned floor, clutching my heart in pain. Regretful of the misuse of dark mysteries.
I have ordered others to death to sooth my own vanity and forgotten that they too, were part of you.
I remembered you when I drew water from the well at the monastery and felt your presence as I raised the bucket. But the coolness left the water quickly in the heat and so I told myself to move on, there was no time to pause. But I knew that you were watching me, and I applied myself and learned about you. But still, I was not with you.
I have watched as all those dear to me were destroyed by the holy fire and I have cursed your name and called out for vengeance. But even then I called out to you.
I remembered you, when I was a young girl, lost and grieved, a new soul in a new time, knowing there was a missing piece that once offered such sweet comfort, and the answer continued to elude me.
I remembered you, on that bright sunny day on the white cliffs of Atlantis, when my parents helped my brother into the boat and left me to watch them row away, my brother, screaming and calling out my name, reaching his arms toward me, as mine were to him. The earth gave way beneath my feet, and I descended; from my brother, from my temple, from the power, from your sight. And I am still there, waiting for you to lift me from beneath the depths of the water, buried alive beneath the rubble of your reconstruction.
I remembered you when I was one of the nameless ones that moved within your light long before there was any recording of time.
I remembered you as I faced the rising sun and sang, the vibration of my voice filling me with your presence.
I have stood in the center of the medicine wheel
and looked out on all directions.
I have felt your power.
I have felt your strength.
I have felt your courage.
I have felt you,
I remember you,
but I have never been you,
not since I knelt upon the stones.
Iíve remembered, despite the loss and disappointment that existed in all of those worlds, and I knew who you were, but I could not find my way back to you.
I continued to search, looking for you in every detailed piece of the world that you created, and lost in the intensity of the quest, kept my back to you the whole time.
I can feel you close to me, but still I do not know you. Not as I once did.
You must help me to cross the chasm now Father, what is only a step away for you, may take many lifetimes for me to accomplish on my own.
I stood fresh before you, and I had a right to be there. I was there without doubt, without fear, without excuse.
I have loved you beyond human ability; it was only by your grace that I was able to understand.
I have called out for your judgment where my mind has told me it should be dispensed. Against my brother, for I have found him lacking. Against myself, for I am incomplete. I have condemned others for their lack of understanding, and put myself above them and in doing so, have further distanced myself from you.
I am blown clean by the gales of your spirit
and I stand ready now for the great evolution.
What is your will Father? What am I to become?
I release the creation of my soul to you.
It is only by your hand that anything becomes,
and to you I Surrender.
I must stretch myself. I am waking from a sleep so deep that it had become almost death to me. Was it death Father? Is that why my body ached so?
I can see the days and nights pass through the remainder of my shell. It is such a mixed blessing to see the passing of time. I want to be a part of this time, yet I want to be home with you.
I must push.
I must free myself.
I must push into the broken walls of my memories, past the pain, past the regrets, and past the longing for you. I must free myself from this shell that no longer shields me and hope that somehow my escape will lead me back to you.
The pieces of my shattered soul lay strewn across the land. The largest part imbedded in the earth, shining like an obelisk reflecting the rainbows of your sunlight. It is time to call them back to me now, so that I may be restored.
Father, I must do something. I can no longer stay still. There is so much to be done and there is no time to rest. There have been too many days of rest already.
There is no time for grief; there has been too much grief in each lifetime.
There is no time for pain or anguish or heavy heartedness.
It is now time for me to rise from the bed of despair where I have lain lost to both of us for so long now.
I reach out with my mind and try to feel you there. Are you still there Father? Or have I lost you as completely as I have lost myself? The questions never stop, so many questions. You alone can provide the answers, only you can complete the puzzle Iíve become.
I have been hidden away with the others for so long, wondering if I would ever leave this place, fighting the fears that have reinforced my walls. They were a part of my shell, but they were never a part of me.
My faithful dreams search for themselves to find new purpose in the world I am becoming a part of. Small hopes become realities as I begin my Ascent.
Below me are the pains of the lost time. I know that it had to be as it was. I know that it too had a purpose. It is you Father, who carries me. It is you who makes my heart light.
I look for meaning and signs of your will. Lead me Father; I am ready to begin the Great Journey, wherever you would have me go. I am very near to you now. I can feel the power that you share. I make myself strong with it. My destiny is yours, my resolve is yours, my creation is yours, and all that I am is immersed in you. Father, guide my simple flight. Lead me past the horizons which are not meant for me into the New World where I will be at your side forever.
How strange that after all of your teachings, it is only now that I am able to comprehend. Only by giving it all away, am I able to have anything of my own.
All that I am is all that can truly be called mine and can never be taken from me. You are giving me myself, and I accept your gift.
I Dance the Great Give-Away for you Father, and each time something is taken, I am lifted higher. Take my Love Father, lift me higher.
Something in me stirs and begs to be free. You have created me again. Or have I done it myself? There are so many things that I could become, and someday I know I will be them all. I can lift myself now.
Blood is life, breath is life, all is life and it pulses through me and it makes me rise. I fly to you my Father, I remember the way.
For the simple joy of flight that I feel,
I Thank You Father.
For liberation from the trials,
I Thank You Father.
For renewed strength that flows through me,
for the life that I feel,
I thank you Father.
Have I always been so free?
Was I simply unaware?
For the clarity of my vision and the beauty of the scene,
I thank you Father.
You are my Creator, my Source, my All there is. I am you, I understand it now.
You fill my mind with blessed pictures of your plan as you return me to the world of flesh and bone, and slowly I begin to remember. Show me where I am to go so that I may fulfill my part in your plan. I am with you Father, I know you now.
Forgive me for trying to escape the pain of your lessons by hiding myself away, and taking my memories with me for comfort and company. I know now that the sweetest memories were also the hardest lessons and rather than learning to savor the lesson I became bitter and closed. And I closed the part of me that knew and loved you well.
Forgive me, I was a stranger to myself and so I tried to make myself strange to you, but you saw me and you knew me, you have always known.
You have illuminated my mind, embraced me when I lay unable to move through my own despair.
You have permitted me to lose myself in my mind and did not interfere with the fire that I forced myself to walk through and created me new again.
I have felt my self destroyed many times by the hands of those who said they came in your name and I blamed you Father, for allowing it to be as it was, and for not liberating me. I am aware now. How could I have ever become who-I-am and what-I-am, if you had done it for me?
Returning to the world has been so easy, so gentle. I feel your hand here. There was never a need for struggle, I know now that I have been free from the beginning; only my own faith in the struggle made it real to me.
My mind is clear and strong now, and I can see where Iíve gone wrong. The smallness of my mind has slowed my ability to comprehend your infinite universe. I am truly like a child in my understanding of you. I thank you for that also.
This is the last step I must take before I reach my forever place when I will again be seated at your side.
Grace has placed me here and I feel it fall upon the earth like rain, nourishing myself and all of the others, washing us clean making us fresh and new.
I Rise, just as Lazarus did, by the miracle that my brother created. I can see the field below me, and feel others beside me, above me, surrounding me.
They fly as freely as I do. Thank you.