I would like to share with you a recent journey that I took in response to my dreams.
I began having a series of repeating dreams, which insisted it was time for me to explore the unknown shadows relating to adoption issues that remain unresolved in me. I was unable to discount the dream’s importance. I accepted the urgency and decided to follow the dream message calling me to face the unknown and receive the blessings of healing the dream offered. Many years ago on my own, I had searched and found my biological mother. However, I was unable to find any information relating to the where about of my biological father. Because of the insistency of my recent dreams, I decided to hire a Private Investigator to help me find my biological father. I had a handful of legal documents that she used and within three weeks she had located him. Sadly he had passed away in 2002. He had played baseball for a well-known University before leaving to serve in the United States Army Air Force during WWII. He was a Staff Sergeant for the 332nd Bombardment Squadron, 94th Bombardment Group, Eighth Bomber Command. He completed 25 missions in the European Theater of Operations from May 14, 1943, through October 10, 1943, for which he was awarded an Air Medal with 3 Oak Leaf Clusters and the Distinguished Flying Cross. He returned from the war to continuing farming on his family land. He was a mason and a leader in his community and Church. His family was one of the long time settlers in his Texas hometown. He came from a respectable family. I had always assumed that he was irresponsible and a person who could not make a commitment. I was challenged to revise my beliefs about his character. This new information was part of the dreams healing.
The PI told me that she had found records that stated I had been placed in foster care about a month after I was born. This was the first time that I heard this piece to the puzzle of my life. I had always assumed I had lived with my biological mother and because of her situation my needs were neglected. This is not true . I was loved and well taken care of for the 7 months prior to being placed. As proof of her loving me, she had carried me to full term and suffered the pain of relinquishing her parental rights of me. I had carried anger against her projecting that anger on to the parents who had adopted me. Those illusions I had fabricated as truth and lived by came crumbling down. I received a love from those who have cared for me in a healing way. The truth has set me free to be grateful for her gift of giving me up. Another gift found in following my dreams.
I set a date to go to his hometown and visit the gravesite. I decided to stay at a B & B in the next town over which was about 10 minutes from his grave. His hometown has 600+ people, a gas station, post office, churches, Masonic lodge, an antique store, and a water tower.
The lady, Ruby (strangely enough my adoptive mother’s name is Ruby), at the B & B told me to go to talk to Mabel at the antique store to see if she could tell me anything about my biological father. With fear and trembling that my needs would be rejected, I went to visit her. There were several ladies in the store when I got there, so I looked all around waiting for some of then to leave. Several of the ladies left and that left just two. I found a photo of the class of 1941. I asked if there might be a photograph of the class of 1940 (the graduating class of my birth father) any where in the stack. Mabel asked me if there was someone that I was looking for and I said yes, and I gave her his name. She asked why. I was unsure if I should answer her directly. My mind was racing with reasons why not to answer her truthfully. Before I knew it the words came tumbling out and I replied that my answer was awkward to describe but that I was his daughter who had been given up for adoption. Mabel got a blank look on her face and said that did not make any sense. She was having a difficult time processing it. I explained it several times again. The other lady who was still in the store said, "Mabel what the lady is saying is that he had an affair!" “OH!” Mabel said. She now understood. She agreed that his wife should never know. She knew of another, Betty Jean, who was the class of 1940 and who would have pictures. So Mabel called her and she agreed to visit with me.
I went to visit Betty Jean and we talked for four hours about growing up in together in their hometown and her friendship with my biological father. She had elementary class pictures, 10th year and 40th year HS reunion pictures. She scanned then and sent me home with some pictures. She was not living in their hometown at the time of my conception. That piece remains a mystery. She said that she would find out for me and get it to me.
I returned to my biological father’s grave multiple times to sit and to say what I felt I needed to say. I had taken Tyler roses (a dozen to represent the relationship between my birth mother and him and a dozen from me), a letter I had written to him and a rock from my back yard to place on the letter to keep it from flying off in the wind. The blessings from my prayers at the grave were many but the one that stunned me most touchingly was when I said to myself without thinking first “I love the life that your genes have given to me.” I was amazed that I was able to say, “I love the life that I have been given, even with all that there is”. My life’s journey has brought many hardships and there have been deep resentments for those experiences. The beauty of these words is as a healing balm to my soul. My heart felt truly grateful. Had I not followed the dream, I would have missed out on this most profound gift.
I did not want to leave his gravesite. I felt connected and blessed by the entire process. I had found a part of myself that defined my life with dignity and honor. I had built the illusion that I was less than honorable and steeped with shame. I was now certain I could hold on to the honor that I have as my family lineage.
After I got home I scanned the already poorly scanned and copied pictures of my biological father. I was captivated by his looks and found a sense of deep love for this man that I never knew. This love was similar to the love of a bride. I was very uncomfortable with these feelings for a father figure. I believe that all desire is ultimately a desire for God and the answer to my confusing feelings would be found in Him. I asked God what this love could tell me about my relationship to Him as His bride. Many scriptures in both the Old and New Testament came to mind referring to us as being the Bride of Christ. This insight led to a new understanding of God’s character and our relationship as that of “Beloved”. I had only known Jesus as Beloved and God as intervener, creator, protector, and father figure. But Beloved had never been a term that I had used of God. But yes, this is true . God is beloved and the beloved bridegroom. Another illusion broken by the truth and a blessing that I would never have received had I not followed my dreams.
My dreams keep calling me to go to my parent’s gravesite and talk to them. I followed the dream’s leading and went to my parent’s grave taking roses and told them that I had found my birth father and thanked them for adopting me. I apologized for being so rebellious and turning away from them. I thanked them for loving me is spite of my rebellion. I am so grateful for the opportunities that they offered and the instruction they provided as parents. An enormous wave of gratitude came over me as I thanked them. Gratitude is a gift of grace and my heart just sat at the gravesite and absorbed as much of it as I could contain.
The family plot has several family members. I next turned to my grandparents thanked them for all that they gave to me in my development. I finally went to my uncle’s (a lawyer & judge) grave and thanked him for signing the adoption papers, which made adoption legal.
For the last stop on my journey I went to my birthmother’s grave and placed yellow roses with red tips. The red was to symbolize the sacrifices she made in carrying me to full term and then giving me up for adoption. I thanked her for my life and the burden she had carried on my behalf. I told her I was in a better place from the time I last visited her. I was able to tell her that I was no longer angry with her because she had died before I could talk to her. I did regret the fact that I would never know her story with my birth father. Words slipped out of my mouth and I said to my birth mother, “I love the you that is part of me. I love the me that you represent in my life.” I did not know that I felt that way until the words rolled out. I was deeply moved in knowing that I love her. I also told her I had found my birth father and all the details that I knew about him. Leaving her grave was one of celebration and the completion of a circle of events that shaped my destiny. I know that I was given dignity and honor both through my biological lineage and from the parents who adopted me. I was given a deep desire to seek God and grace to live a life worthy of being given the gift of life. Had I not followed my dreams, I would have misses all of these blessings.
Being part of a sacred dream study group helps us to discover who we are in God. The rich spiritual discipline of understanding dreams and seeking to live in harmony with the messages they bring can enrich lives with comfort, challenge, and practical solutions to problems of daily life.
Reader Reviews for
"A Story Of My Grave Tour To Wholeness As Directed By My Dreams"
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|Reviewed by Sheri Hart
|I found the story of this journey fascinating. I too have repeated dreams. Sometimes it's obvious what they are saying, sometimes not. But I do believe that they are telling us something...|
|Reviewed by Julia Widdop
|This story inspired me to try and resolve my feelings about my own parents.|
|Reviewed by dauda korley
|I AM DAUDA MARTEY KORLEY FROM GHANA, ACCRA ON THE INTERNET .20/4/2011 CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE I AM IN MY YEAR IN J.H.S MASTER DEGREE IN COMPUTER I NEED HELP FROM YOU . POST 56 YOU CAN CALL ME ON THE PHONE +233200201386 THANK YOU GOOD DAY P.O.BOX56
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|Reviewed by Nisa Howe (Reader)
|I was very moved and touched by your journey. The words on paper introduced me to your heart and the goodness deep with in you. Dreams to have a lot to tell and show us.. if we listen.. Blessings to you|
Jeanne G. Miller