If I wanted to.

I can stay put…right here…right now…deny myself all the tomorrows I have left.

If I wanted to.

I can stay in this haze of pain…which only reminds me that I still draw breath and merely exist on this side of life.  I can continue to embrace this aching emptiness…reject any relief…turn away from any hope of making it better.

If I wanted to.

I can pretty myself up…dress myself down…seduce you, tear you apart, and have you screaming for mercy in two minutes flat…with or without your permission.

If I wanted to.

I can choose any moment of my past to live in.  I can remain there…helpless, hurting, lost, in pieces…

If I wanted to.

I can choose not to live…not to learn what I must in order to go on…not to share or grow or love…or accept love.

If I wanted to.

I can choose to move forward.  To be grateful.  To serve.  To give.  To hope.  To share.   To worship.  To honor.  To love.  To simply be… 

If I wanted to.

Hell is eternal separation from God. 

You loved me enough to give me the choice. 

I can choose Hell.

If I wanted to.

Sometimes I think I’m already there.

And then You show me another one of Your gifts. 

And You remind me again. 

I am Your child. 

You can choose to obliterate me.

At any time. 

If You wanted to.  

And I realize…

Again…

I have no other choice but to be Yours. 

My Lord.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.

All of my love,

Riccie