A Basic Haircut
Ralph the Barber loved his job. Where else could a guy who had absolutely no hair-cutting talent or skill get a job as a barber, other than a Military Base. Cutting trainees’ hair wasn’t the best paying job in the world, but it wasn’t hard work either. Besides, Ralph had his retirement pension from thirty years of military service. The base barbershop just gave him some extra money to spend on fun stuff. It also gave him the opportunity to spend his days on the military base in the company of people like himself. He had a lot of laughs with the people on base and there was no stress involved, at least not for the person holding the hair clippers. After all, a monkey could be trained to give a basic haircut.
When new recruits lined up single file to get their first military haircuts, Ralph was always ready. The other barbers in the shop probably cut more heads of hair per day than he did, but they didn’t mind. Ralph was entertaining, afterall, providing more than his share of laughs. With the right material, he might have had a career as a stand-up comedian. Although most of the new recruits didn’t think Ralph was amusing, his fellow barbers, and the Drill Instructors who brought trainees in for their first basic haircuts did.
The men in the base barbershop always kept an eye out for new recruits with beautifully styled hair, especially if their hair was long. Those were the recruits that somehow always wound up in Ralph’s chair. With the sincere look of someone who just wanted to please, Ralph would say, “Now son, how would you like your hair cut?”
Those young men who had realistic expectations about what to expect from military life would usually reply with something like, “Just gimme a basic recruit haircut.” But every now and then, some new recruit with more hair than brains would plop down in Ralph’s chair, and these were the ones who made the job fun.
After complimenting the new recruit on how nice his hair looked, Ralph would inquire in his most sincere voice, “Now then son, how would you like for me to cut this?” And he would listen patiently as the recruit carefully explained exactly how he just wanted a little off here and a slight bit off there.
The other barbers and the Drill Instructors would bite their tongues to keep from laughing out loud as Ralph carefully trimmed a tiny bit from above an ear, moved to the back to start trimming the recruit’s neck, then suddenly seemed to lose control as the clippers buzzed from the back of the young man’s neck, up and over to his forehead leaving a big bald swath of open space.
As the recruit sat there looking horrified, Ralph would say in his most disgusted voice, “Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have had that tequila for breakfast!” Then he would smile sheepishly at the young man and say, “Well, I guess we might as well cut the rest off, too.” When the laughter had stopped and the foolish young recruit had left the barbershop, Ralph would smile and wait cheerfully for his next victim.
Share
Print
Save