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Phyllis Jean Green

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Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}
By Phyllis Jean Green
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Last edited: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
This short story was "not rated" by the Author.
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Just posted this as a blog. To put it in Eucelessese, I ain sure what the {expletives deleted} it is! Medical 'advice' {sic} is included. Continue at your own risk!

The Cure for What Ails Ya

I -- Jotted between spaghetti gravy spots on a very large napkin ‘roun’ January, ‘roun’ 2007 :

Been ailin’ as the result of a fall that was partly the fault of a hyperactive Yorkie [oxymoron?] and partly my own foolheadedness  [feel free to request the proportion, but I can’t guarantee that my cuz from Newark, Euceless Last-name-protected-by-U.S. Government won’t show up on your stoop and. . .you don’t wanna know.]   Point is, the mishap made me think.

You can stop shaking your head now. I think a lot, so there. Just because I think about dumb stuff don’t mean I can’t think Important Thoughts. Why, only yesterday I considered skipping a sale on kicky sandals to save gas. Fortunately, I find that if I pass my thoughts along before they have a chance to dig in, they hardly ever come back. This is completely aside from my new status as a protected witness. [Didn’t rat, I promise; the Cannoli boys are after my ass because they think I stole their patio furniture. Tubby Cannoli sat down without looking and ended up at Our Mother of Mercy. Nuns took one look and kicked him out. That my fault? I ask you!]

Naturally, many thoughts that the accident triggered were health-related. Guess you know this makes me an Expert on all things medical and therapeutical. You may have thought that being an Expert mean having to think twice. This just proves you ain’t never been one. Thoughts and opinions – particularly opinions suitable for setting in Family-sold concrete – are mine for at least two reasons. (1) Because I say so; (2) Because I say so.

We Experts word-process crap after we gather it by listening to gossip over what the fibbies insist on callin bugs. Me, I prefer the technical term, listening device. The second and most important step is to put out a book and CD. Book’s usually an e-book, us Experts always being up on waves-of-da-future. After editors get through fiddling, it is easy to con people into. . .excuse me, I mean, give people a chance. . .to buy this bull manure. Just so you’ll know, we Experts do not need to worry our gorgeous heads about crap like data and rights. Our time is better spent gathering new info and planning trips to Mexican resorts it is too much trouble
to learn to spell. New thoughts and opinions come easy to Experts. Some call it science. I call it art.

It will tickle you to know that my Expertise now encompasses orthopedic remedies. [Spelling by Dick (The Dictionary) Malarkey]. So I don’t have all the jargon pat. As that hysterical broad on that BBC sitcom, “Are you Being Served?” put it, “I am unanimous!”

Youse can fuhget miracle drugs. There ain’ a condition in the world ain’t helped by reg’lar doses of Tri-CH. [Hold your horses, and I’ll tellya.] If you haven’t gotten the word, it is because there is a conspiracy afoot. Duct-tape Granny next to wrestling toddlers – make sure she can’t reach the remote), and she will soon spill that she and other Food Police have been sitting on the formula for decades. “For your benefit,” my patoo! They are afraid the supply will run out! Been mainlining so much Tri-CH, withdrawal would send them screaming to the nearest bin, or whatever you’re supposed to call it these days. Don’t want to put a downer onya, but you might as well know that a lot of senior citizens are arrested for solicitation, only to find out they are feeding
a Tri-CH addiction. The drug is cheap in reasonable quantities, but when you are hooked as bad as them, the cost can be prohibitive [fancy phrase meaning You ain’ got a pot t’pee in].The individual ingredients were popular before it was discovered that combining them causes a high like no other. Best of all, side effects are few. So common, no one thinks a thing. The ingredients can almost always be found around the house. Run out, all that is wanted is a quick trip to Seven-Eleven, Piggly Wiggly, or Food Lion.

Your mouth is watering already. Don’t try to fool me.

Only three – that’s right, three -- ingredients are involved.

Ya ready?

Tri-CH Diet Therapy

Partake of the following foods three or more times a day, seven days a week. (They are given in alphabetical order, not in the order of importance). Caution: Remember not to do any exercise that can’t be accomplished while sitting or lying quietly. Preferably with a drink nearby.

l) CHeese [must contain fat]

2) CHips [see #1]

3) CHocolate [genuine addicts take it with a quarter- to a half-gallon of Ben & Jerry’s or mash up a Dove Bar and sprinkle those tollhouse cookie deals or a giant glob of peanut

II - Flash to June, 2007:

I am cured! And I have only gained 14 pounds!!

Awiiiiiight, awiiiiiiight, 24.

Family and friends are talking about an intervention to make think I should stop using Tri-CH.

Euceless is at Kennedy Airport buying his tickets with an AmEx card that fell outta a Mercedes’
glove compartment.

‘at’ll fix ‘em!

Your Friend,

Cuz t’Euceless (The Grocer) ________


Reader Reviews for "Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}"

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Reviewed by Sandra Mushi
Pea, you are so silly! LMAO!!! I just love your sense of humour!

Merry Christmas and God bless,

Reviewed by Mary Coe
Great humor! Enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing. We can all use a good laugh once in a while.
Reviewed by Nordette Adams
Pea, your funny bone's showing with this one. I enjoyed the narrative voice.

Reviewed by Joyce Bowling
Enjoyed this very much...expressed very well, creative and humorous, enjoyed!
Joyce B.
Reviewed by LadyJtalks LadyJzTalkZone (Reader)
I'm glad you put this here also. This is great right down to the talk of the day. Lady J
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Hilarious! LOL
Reviewed by Carmen Ruggero
Pea... you're one of a kind! This is too funny for words!!!!!!

Carmen :-)
Reviewed by Felix Perry
Tooooo funny but wish it were so for my diabetic diet. LOL

Reviewed by Karen Vanderlaan
cleverly written laced with humor-i enjoyed this

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