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Phyllis Jean Green

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· Carrboro Poetica

· Above and Below

· Spinning Straw: the Jeff Apple Story

Short Stories
· Scrawny Kid Clerked at Thrifty

· Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}

· This is Your Lucky Day by Euceless Liesalot

· Christmas Fax for da Broads in da Audience

· Flashing

· Courting Able

· Amnesty International Pressing for More Anti-Rape Legislation

· Bullying has no Place in a Democracy

· Calling Dr. Mengele, Calling Dr. Mengele

· Show and Tell by Karen Vanderlaan - Review

· Valley of the Shadow by Sybil Austin Skakle - Review

· Courage in Patience by Beth Fehlbaum -- a Review

· Heart Attack Symptoms Differ for Men and Women -- Read and Share!

· If you Have Been Kidnapped or Abducted --A Letter from Someone who Cares

· RICO for Kids - Help Missing Children, U.S.A.

· Reason to Celebrate! {re O N E's impact re suffering in Africa}

· Listen to Your Muse, Then get up an' do Your Thing

· Poem an Inside Job

· Vicks, Flannel, and Great Expectations?

· Rumor January 19, two Thousand Thirteen

· Snow Night with Bird

· Gunned Down

· Shape Shifter

· Fought Tooth and Nail, I Know You {for Ellie}

· Night-Light

· We are Here to Tell You

         More poetry...
· Featured in Creative Thinkers International!

· Second Appearance in Leann Marshall's Sketch Notes

· New Appearance in The Yarn Spinner

· Bullying has no Place in a Democracy Featured at Creative Thinkers Intnl

· Poem to Appear in Sketchbook

· Poems to Appear in Sensations' 21st Century Issue

· In Richard Lee King's The Price of Freedom

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Owner Will Repair Kitchen Floor {flash humor}
By Phyllis Jean Green
Posted: Saturday, June 14, 2003
Last edited: Friday, June 27, 2003

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Recent stories by Phyllis Jean Green
· Scrawny Kid Clerked at Thrifty
· Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}
· This is Your Lucky Day by Euceless Liesalot
· Christmas Fax for da Broads in da Audience
· Flashing
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           >> View all 7
This bit of silliness was fun to write. I want to thank the administrators of the 2003 Pep* contest for allowing me to post it at AD. Rules stipulated the opening sentence, case you wonder. (First thought Whoa. Then the fun began. Too much, I suspect. Probably post all three, but as the others are serious. . .nobody laughs, I’ll have to borrow a bucket to stick my head in. Hope the owner fills it with pizza. Pea:)


When I woke up I heard something that sounded like crackling ice.

Something you need to know before I go on. I do not "wake," in the usual sense. To say it is a gradual process is like saying that the interval between eating spinach and seeing people point and laugh evolves gradually. One eye s l o w l y unglues, then I lie back. During that hour, should a spurt of energy strike, I roll over and smash the alarm.. Tell you more, but I'd have to send my Joizey cousins t'tune ya up. If only they didn't charge an arm and a leg. I mean, like, an arm and a leg.

Now, about that crackling. Came from the kitchen, so I staggered toward what I thought was that direction, mumbling words Vic and Entny raise their eyebrows at. Do not poke a sleeping bear!

It was ice! And it was on the floor! I sharply deduced that the door-front ice dispenser of the fridge a friend had donated to The Cause [okay, me] went berserk and spat every whichaway. Blast, I thought (or words to that effect). Now I have to mop. Mopping is cleaning, right? While ice-melt pooled across tile stick-ups, eager to add more, I laughed. During a breath break, I speed-dialed 2. My best friend, Lerie-pronounced-Larry-or-die, would tell me what to do. Even if I was the boss of her. Weirdly enough, Lerie rose at first crow. Otherwise, we were the proverbial peas in the proverbial pod. Unless a hunk walked by. Then it was every legume for herself.

"Lurrie!" I risked. "Never guess what happened."

"You filed?"

"Please! I turned around so I couldn't see the water creeping. Grey with gunk floating, ick.

"Ok," Lerie said between gulps of an herb concoction she witch-potted. Smelled like dirty socks and tasted like a Margarita hangover (not that I'd know). "I'll bite."

"Fancy-shmancy fridge lost it. Ice and water and, uh, stuff, are all over."

"Can you borrow a mop?" Lerie burped. Swear a stomach pump would rebel.

"Probably not. Lost the neighbor's stupid mop. Should of thanked me. Had goop on it!"

"This calls for creativity," Lerie managed between burps. "Find a way to freeze the stuff, then call back. Have a skating party. Three too many–?"

"Too much work. Move, if you'll help."

"Sorry. Fish t'fry. Planned to retire, but the supermarket manager took back her promise to look the other way. Cameras everywhere!"

"Hold it a sec." Taking off my Chinese slippers, I wrung them out. Amazing how fast cotton shrinks.

"Lerie? Y'there?"

Guess her phone went out, I thought. I squished down the hall and hit the sack.

Some things go away if you ignore them.

Don't, always take a note out of Phyllis Diller's book and call them science projects.


(c) Phyllis Jean Green
Al.l Rights Reserved


*Plan is to post more info about PEP. ‘Lawd willin’ an’ the crick don’ rise!’


Web Site: Spinning Straw's Created Equal  

Reader Reviews for "Owner Will Repair Kitchen Floor {flash humor}"

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Reviewed by Robert Cosmar 5/18/2011
Loved it, Phyllis -- you have a knack! Well done and a pleasure to read.
Reviewed by Brenda Dobson 10/23/2009
Love this writing; it brings back a familiar scene of all times, New Years Eve, 2007. Mop! Mop! Smear! Smear! Water, water everywhere :)
Reviewed by Mary Coe 12/20/2007
Lol!!! Very humorous. Enjoyed.
Reviewed by Dawn Anderson 12/6/2007
Really enjoyed this....put a smile on my face!
Reviewed by M.Bennett Hooper (Mikii) 7/27/2007
Luv'd it. I know I'm late posting but good things are worth coming back to and I thought it was just my eyes that opened one at a time. PLB&G for sharing this wonderful write. <Mikii>
Reviewed by m j hollingshead 7/5/2006
well done
Reviewed by Sandra Mushi 10/12/2005
Lolol ... I agree with Kate. Sometimes its best to go back to bed. Lol!

God bless, Pea!

Reviewed by Kate Clifford 8/29/2003
Sometimes its best to go back to bed! :-) My daughter doesn't like to wake up early either. I would annoy you.......I'm, Good morning! type of lady :-)
Reviewed by Tami Ryan 8/3/2003
I loved it! Laughed the whole way thru!

Reviewed by Teresa Henson (Reader) 6/14/2003
I had to laugh, that's the way I wake up myself! This was hilarious, but not at the same time! I could see it happening to me! I liked it, you captured the feeling perfectly.
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 6/14/2003
funny write, phyllis; enjoyed! love, your friend in texas, karen lynn. (((HUGS))) :)

Books by
Phyllis Jean Green

Carrboro Poetica

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Above and Below

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Signed copy!

Spinning Straw: the Jeff Apple Story

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