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8~~~8~~~&~~~6~~~~#
This bit of silliness was fun to write. I want to thank the administrators of the 2003 Pep* contest for allowing me to post it at AD. Rules stipulated the opening sentence, case you wonder. (First thought Whoa. Then the fun began. Too much, I suspect. Probably post all three, but as the others are serious. . .nobody laughs, I’ll have to borrow a bucket to stick my head in. Hope the owner fills it with pizza. Pea:)
8~~~~6~~~~8~~~~%~~~~8~~~~~~splat!
When I woke up I heard something that sounded like crackling ice.
Something you need to know before I go on. I do not "wake," in the usual sense. To say it is a gradual process is like saying that the interval between eating spinach and seeing people point and laugh evolves gradually. One eye s l o w l y unglues, then I lie back. During that hour, should a spurt of energy strike, I roll over and smash the alarm.. Tell you more, but I'd have to send my Joizey cousins t'tune ya up. If only they didn't charge an arm and a leg. I mean, like, an arm and a leg.
Now, about that crackling. Came from the kitchen, so I staggered toward what I thought was that direction, mumbling words Vic and Entny raise their eyebrows at. Do not poke a sleeping bear!
It was ice! And it was on the floor! I sharply deduced that the door-front ice dispenser of the fridge a friend had donated to The Cause [okay, me] went berserk and spat every whichaway. Blast, I thought (or words to that effect). Now I have to mop. Mopping is cleaning, right? While ice-melt pooled across tile stick-ups, eager to add more, I laughed. During a breath break, I speed-dialed 2. My best friend, Lerie-pronounced-Larry-or-die, would tell me what to do. Even if I was the boss of her. Weirdly enough, Lerie rose at first crow. Otherwise, we were the proverbial peas in the proverbial pod. Unless a hunk walked by. Then it was every legume for herself.
"Lurrie!" I risked. "Never guess what happened."
"You filed?"
"Please! I turned around so I couldn't see the water creeping. Grey with gunk floating, ick.
"Ok," Lerie said between gulps of an herb concoction she witch-potted. Smelled like dirty socks and tasted like a Margarita hangover (not that I'd know). "I'll bite."
"Fancy-shmancy fridge lost it. Ice and water and, uh, stuff, are all over."
"Can you borrow a mop?" Lerie burped. Swear a stomach pump would rebel.
"Probably not. Lost the neighbor's stupid mop. Should of thanked me. Had goop on it!"
"This calls for creativity," Lerie managed between burps. "Find a way to freeze the stuff, then call back. Have a skating party. Three too many–?"
"Too much work. Move, if you'll help."
"Sorry. Fish t'fry. Planned to retire, but the supermarket manager took back her promise to look the other way. Cameras everywhere!"
"Hold it a sec." Taking off my Chinese slippers, I wrung them out. Amazing how fast cotton shrinks.
"Lerie? Y'there?"
Guess her phone went out, I thought. I squished down the hall and hit the sack.
Some things go away if you ignore them.
Don't, always take a note out of Phyllis Diller's book and call them science projects.
88888888888888888888`
(c) Phyllis Jean Green
Al.l Rights Reserved
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888
*Plan is to post more info about PEP. ‘Lawd willin’ an’ the crick don’ rise!’
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888:)
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Site: Spinning Straw's Created Equal
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Reader Reviews for
"Owner Will Repair Kitchen Floor {flash humor}"
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| Reviewed by Robert Cosmar (Reader) |
5/18/2011 |
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Loved it, Phyllis -- you have a knack! Well done and a pleasure to read.
Bob |
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| Reviewed by Brenda Dobson |
10/23/2009 |
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| Love this writing; it brings back a familiar scene of all times, New Years Eve, 2007. Mop! Mop! Smear! Smear! Water, water everywhere :) |
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| Reviewed by Mary Coe |
12/20/2007 |
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| Lol!!! Very humorous. Enjoyed. |
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| Reviewed by Dawn Anderson |
12/6/2007 |
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| Really enjoyed this....put a smile on my face! |
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| Reviewed by M.Bennett Hooper (Mikii) |
7/27/2007 |
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| Luv'd it. I know I'm late posting but good things are worth coming back to and I thought it was just my eyes that opened one at a time. PLB&G for sharing this wonderful write. <Mikii> |
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| Reviewed by m j hollingshead |
7/5/2006 |
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| well done |
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| Reviewed by Sandra Mushi |
10/12/2005 |
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Lolol ... I agree with Kate. Sometimes its best to go back to bed. Lol!
God bless, Pea!
Sandie. |
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| Reviewed by Kate Clifford |
8/29/2003 |
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| Sometimes its best to go back to bed! :-) My daughter doesn't like to wake up early either. I would annoy you.......I'm, Good morning! type of lady :-) |
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| Reviewed by Tami Ryan |
8/3/2003 |
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I loved it! Laughed the whole way thru!
Tami |
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| Reviewed by Teresa Henson (Reader) |
6/14/2003 |
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| I had to laugh, that's the way I wake up myself! This was hilarious, but not at the same time! I could see it happening to me! I liked it, you captured the feeling perfectly. |
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| Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado |
6/14/2003 |
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| funny write, phyllis; enjoyed! love, your friend in texas, karen lynn. (((HUGS))) :) |
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