My AD friend messaged me and told me that she could see from my new bio pic, the pain in my eyes over my wife Bridget and her suffering. Every thing was fine with me, then an hour after my friend's message to me, I suddenly got very emotional and had to answer her back right away.
This is what I wrote in response:
"OK, yes, pain in my eyes and in my heart, because I see her dying a little more each day, and I am very angry.
I love her and it hurts me so much. I know she is hanging on because of me and our love for each other. It is killing me to watch her to go through this, knowing that if I hadn't been here it would have been over long ago.
It is not fair to her to suffer so, and I have revealed to God that I know she is his, and I appreciate so much the love he has sent into my life. Can't I be a little selfish about her though?
I don't want to lose her, but it could happen anytime, as with all of us. My tears running make it hard to type this message. Why did your words suddenly come home to me, about the pain in my eyes?"
OK. Now God's answer that came to me quickly. While I was still writing that last message in tears, and my big ole' heart was breaking and lamenting over Bridget's slow demise, and saying that if I hadn't been here she would have long ago perished, something alarming happened. I cried and cried , because I love her so much, and I didn't feel she should have to suffer so much everyday, and I am so powerless over it all to help her.
I realized that I could not take another breath unless God gave it to me.
So I prayed to God and thanked him for my breath and for Bridget's breath, despite it all, that with his Son Christ Jesus we already had the victory won in him! Long ago we turned our lives over to him, surrendering all to him, but even old Christian Lions like us, need to be reminded from time-to-time that God is always watching over us.
The next thing I know, the low pressure alarm went off on my wife Bridget's ventilator, while I was in the next room, still within earshot, but out of sight from her. This is not that unusual as different respiratory and equipment conditions can coincide to cause this occasionally to happen, but then the condition clears and the alarm stops sounding. This alarm kept going off quickly getting my attention. I jumped up and went to check on her. She was sitting in wheel chair and looked at me, not knowing either what was happening.
In any case, this particular low pressure alarm has to do with a lack of air pressure going into the patients lungs, from a hose being disconnected either on purpose like for cleaning care of the patients trach area, or a fault in the ventilator hose or equipment, or settings.
This is a life threatening problem that can kill within minutes, by depriving the patient of air to their lungs. Hence the importance of the alarm.
However, if the ventilator low pressure alarm goes off while the patient is asleep or if i can't hear it from accidentally dozing off, as I am here all the time, or because I go to get the mail or something, then the clock starts ticking on her life. Therefore, it is imperative that I always am alert to her needs, as her Myotonic dystrophy , compounded, by an unfortunate hospital medication error conspired to totally, severely and ruinously, physically disable her for life.
I quickly determined the problem was with the ventilator itself, a rare failure, that caused it to quickly stop putting out any air at all. What if I had not been close by or in a deep sleep? It happens you know.
I hooked up the spare ventilator, which Medicaid denied her, by refusing to pay for it, so the respiratory equipment company donated this $10,000 machine to Bridget, to keep me from having manually bag her to give her air until they could get another vent here, which took three hours one time at 3 AM in the morning on a rainy night in Georgia. I was tired. The alternative would have been to call 911 and she would have to go to the hospital, not a good option for a stable, but disabled patient, as things there can go from good to bad to death rather quickly. So the spare vent came in handy tonight, to save much crying and gnashing of teeth on my part, and prevent more pain and suffering and death on Bridget's part.
God answered me while I was still writing those very words lamenting Bridget's declining condition and feeling sorry for myself. He pulled the reins in on me a little bit and showed me that HE isn't ready to take my Bridget from me yet. Else, I would not have been awake and alert and available to help her. Thank God from whom all blessing (like air) FLOW!