Join Free! | Login    
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!


Featured Authors:  S Zachary, iMaryanne Raphael, iPatricia Garber, iSheri Hoff, iRichard Orey, iPaul Williams, iBlue Sleighty, i

  Home > Humor > Stories
Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Shea M Clarke

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Poetry
· Stories
· 18 Titles
· 17 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
Member Since: Dec, 2008

Shea M Clarke, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.

Featured Book
Jenny's Way
by Diana Perkins

Historical novel set in Eastern Connecticut...  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members

Help! My life has dropped It's Cool and Can't Pick It Up!
By Shea M Clarke
Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Rated "G" by the Author.

Share    Print  Save   Follow

Recent stories by Shea M Clarke
· Our Children's Milestones
· The Letter
· Conversation With a Breakfast Cereal
· His Hero
· Little Girl Lost
· Something in your eyes provokes a dream
· The White Feathers
           >> View all 8

I realized today that I am old....

I had this total epiphany this morning and it really freaked me out.

I have pretty much been in total bliss for the past 2 weeks and become a vegetable because our cable system has added VH-1 Classic to our station line up. Yes, I realize this is a sad and pathetic statement about the lame existence of my so-called life, but I am jumping ahead of myself in my story here. Just be patient and relax for a second and you'll see where I'm going....

Anyway, as I was saying...I got up this morning and cranked up VH-1 Classic as I have been doing every morning I have been home for the past couple of weeks, and was dancing around as I was cleaning my house, just singing along enjoying the tuneage.
Having a good time...that's when it started to hit me. That's when tremor number one accrued.

I proceeded to dance around, cleaning the house to some of my favorite songs and bands, singing along...having myself a really good time. Then it occurred to me. Not a deep analyzation, just little jolts of realization here and there like; "Wow, it's been a while since I heard that one", or "Man, didn't he die like ten years ago?"
I found myself talking out loud to no one but an inanimate  object here or there like a broom, a dust pan or the toilet brush, with each thought causing another tremor. Yet, still I ignored it...
I was having too good a time cleaning the house. It shouldn't be that much fun cleaning to start with...I should have realized that in its self.
But, no, I was clueless...lost in my glory days..wait, again, getting ahead of myself....

So, as I was happily scrubbing the toilet..that in itself is a sad, pathetic and or so scary statement...I was happily scrubbing the toilet...the place where people deposit their disgusting bodily functions...and dancing along to some of my favorite songs I hadn't heard in a really long time, and then it happened...I began to get really upset.
::Tremor::, ::Tremor::, ::Tremor::
I have been glued to a stupid cable network for two weeks now...I have become a vegetable...this is so not healthy...Did I happen to mention I was HAPPILY scrubbing the freaking toilet and dancing around while pondering my life??
::Tremor::, ::Tremor::,  ::Tremor::, ::Tremor::

That was it! That was all it took...the tremors exploded into a full blown 12.5 on the Richter Scale earth quake worthy of sending Marshall, Will and Holly down into the Land of the Lost....

*sidebar* For those of you that are still young and hip enough not to know what I am talking about in that last sentence...meaning you were born post 1980-ish, let me explain.
Once upon a time, many, many moons ago, in a land before cable TV, satellite and 24 hour cartoon channels and  ::gasp::  when all the Nick At Nite shows were regular prime time first run hits on ABC, NBC and CBS, we had to wait until Saturday mornings to watch "kids" TV programming.  There was a show called "Land of the Lost". It was a cheesy show about a dad, Marshall who was an archaeologist and his two doufy kids: his teenage heartthrob son, Will, and his bratty tween daughter, Holly. They (imagine hokey theme song here) "were on a routine expedition and the greatest earth quake ever known...high on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft, AHAAAHHH, (insert the screams on Marshall, Will and Holly here), and plunged them down a thousand feet the Land of the Lost"....(end hokey theme song). Where there were dinosaurs and sleestack (the bad guys) and they met this scary little monkey-boy named Chaka that was their friend.... It was cheesy, but we all watched it, and if anyone in my age group tries to say they didn't, they lie.... Anyway, enough of the history lesson boys and girls, it's off the topic of this entire entry...ME. *end of side bar*

Anyway, like I was saying...12.5 earth quake, yada, yada....and I realized something very pivotal in my whole adult development...I have Totally lost my cool.
It's gone. Lost. Vanished. It's zippo. No More. Nada...

Then I realized some other stuff.
*My favorite music was now being played on a station called "Classic"....Classic, a term used for the outdated, the not current...the OLD.
*The bands that made my favorite music were for the most part no longer making music. They had long disbanded and their members were:  Dead, Retired and collecting Social Security, or at least old enough to carry a AARP card.

I don't know when it had happened. I don't know how it happened or why...but, I had lost it. I am old. I am cool-less.

I used to be a head banging, leather micro-mini skirt wearing, big haired, LA party doll and Rock N Roll chick. If it was happening I was there. I was stylin'. I had it going on...I had all the right clothes, I knew all the right people...::Sigh:: I was cool.....

Now...I have succumbed...::gasp:: I have conformed....I am part of the establishment.
I am ::deep breath:: not only a Soccer Mom, but I am on the PTO and also a Mary Kay lady....
I have joined suburia.....

Do you suppose I lost my cool when I stopped wearing the Aqua Net?
Do you think the cool had been trapped under the 7 inches high of poufy and teased big 80's hair?
Do you think the National Secret Groupie Society of America will want their ID card back?

So, I think I am going to go drink myself a can of Sugar-Free Red Bull so I will have the energy to make it past 10 PM and finish folding my laundry will watching more of VH-1 Classic and think of when I was young.

Want to review or comment on this short story?
Click here to login!

Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!

Reviewed by 000 000 12/23/2008
Join the club! It is not a bad place, OLD-just a slower paced place where many gather to remember when! Loved reading this humor

Popular Humor Stories
1. Better Late Than Never. ...
2. Duped Net: The Big Brawl
3. Rose is dead
4. A Man and His Dog
5. Nude-Night-Naughty 6
6. A Reluctant Father Christmas
7. Nothing to Worry About, by Owen Thomas
8. Age Retirement What it means to me
9. Armina, the cat who invented canned dog-fo
10. Looking For Mr. Golfball

The Curse of Grandad Miller, Serial Killer by Mark Sutton

Someone else has stepped into Brian Miller's slippers.....  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Zapinette Baguette and Tagliatelle by Albert Russo

Zapinette lives with her mother, a staunch ‘felinist’who owns a beauty parlor in Paris, as well as with Firmin, the latter’s boyfriend. The girl however feels much closer to her ‘U..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us

Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
© AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.