Some may look at getting older in a negative sense, but I myself look at growing in age a step forward in the journey of enlightment. As we grow older we expend our thoughts, the way we look at life, the way we feel about the world around us, how we live and the morals of what we stand for in life.
When I was young I was confused with the obstacles and bumps that made my journey in life harder to travel. Questions such as why did this happen to me? Why do the people closest to me hurt me so? Where am I headed in life? What is my purpose in life? Do I have a calling?
I looked at myself, I looked at my past and I said, to myself,” the person I have become is not the person I wish to become. The past is unchangeable. No matter how hard we want to take a pencil and erase the wrongs, the hurts and the mistakes we have made; we cannot undo what is already done.
We can focus on now; the present is here and the angels watching over us will guide us to the future we were meant to be. So, where do I begin? Let’s build our foundation. Remember, an architect will not build a building unless he has a plan and same goes for human lives. Without goals, without a purpose we cannot start building our building.
What do I enjoy? What gives me pleasure? What are my dreams? I hated English in school, but when I wrote my first article and saw what power words on paper can have and how it can help people. I knew my calling was writing. My dream was to suddenly become a writer.
I healed myself and many others along the way. I made peace with myself. And I grew as person and yes, I have grown in age, but in the process I have learned how to heal all wounds, all hatred, all anger that I held inside myself. I have an inner peace with in myself that looks for the positive ness in life and I feel the tranquility in my soul.
My mother and I never got along and we would always knock heads. She did many things to hurt me and I could never understand why? She would be very vindictive always looking for a fight. I could never understand why someone could be so mean to someone who carries their blood, their soul, who is a part of them in the spiritual sense.
I new that she had depression and other mental disorders, but I could justify that and say well its ok because you suffer from mental disorders. When I was young I would bounce back and defend myself, but today she called, I had asked her to baby-sit and take care of the grand kids with my father. She had said yes yesterday and today she called and I could hear in her voice the part of her I wish to forget when growing up as child.
It was the Dr. Jackal, the person I wish to erase from my past. She had told me in her rude way that she did not want to take care of the kids because it was too much work. Do you really have to sleep over when you go to the car show she asked? You don’t want to baby-sit? Well, if I have to I will. So what are you expected to say. I told her to forget about it and I could her in her voice a person filled with anger, resentment and negative auras that surrounded her and affected me all my life.
I was always good at analyzing a person and seeing through them for who they really are. I could never do that with my mother till this day it bothers me that I cannot understand her, see the real person that is hid so deep inside. To be honest I’m not sure if she knows who she is because I believe she has lied to her own self to hide the pain that she carries.
But I sat down after I talked to her and I could feel the blood rushing to my head. I felt a flashback of my childhood race before me.
But then it came to me a rule I have set for myself as I have wised up in time. Let the things we cannot change fly away and focus on our strengths the people who mean the most to us, the things in life that bring smiles to our faces every morning when we wake and every night when we go to sleep. And if that doest work have a martini!