Reasons Not To Have An Affair
edited: Saturday, September 20, 2008
By Aubrey Hammack
Not "rated" by the Author.
Posted: Thursday, October 02, 2003
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Thinking of having an affair. Read this.
REASONS NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR
BY AUBREY HAMMACK
Are you thinking of having an affair? This article is intended to help shed some light to you if this is the case. Affairs are oh so costly. I think that most people who have had affairs would be willing to tell you that being involved with someone outside their marriage can cause a lot of heartache and that the downs will eventually outweight the ups.
Now don't get me wrong. I know that there can be tremendous pleasures for the person actually involved in an affair. There has never been a drug that could touch the euphoric feeling you have when you are seeing someone that is forbidden. Anyone that has been in this situation, I am sure will tell you this.
I know that the kind of chemistry that is described above does not happen every time, but when it does usually the affair partners feel a tremendous bond to each other and feel they are in love and perhaps they are. And of course, it could be an addictive sort of thing.
Picture this. A woman or man in a marriage that has basically dried up emotionally and they at times fantisize about someone being Mr. or Mrs. Right coming along to rescue them from a life of boredom and an unsatisfying sex life. I'm sure this sounds familiar to a lot of people that have been in a marriage for a few years.
Well, this person one day meets someone accidentially that they are attracted to. Now, we say this happens accidentially but really it does not. This person has decided at least at the subconscious level that they will cross the infidelity line some time before if the chance presents itself. Well, a person comes into their lives and they are evidently feeling the same way. This is how I am sure many affairs start. They see some kind of spark or feel some sort of chemistry and the braver of the two makes overtures and the next thing you know the wrapping is off the package.
For this illustration, just suppose both of these people are married with children. They are both unhappy at the present time in the marriages. Neither couple has done any real work on making their marriages better and this can be simply because over the course of time they have drifted emotionally away from their mates. It's easy to do. They don't seem to have any common denominator except the kids and sharing household responsibilities.
So a new person comes into their lives. They say and do the sweet things that their mates quit doing sometime ago. This affair couple as we shall call them starts spending lots of time on the phone arranging meetings. In fact they spend much more time arranging to meet each other than they actually share together many times. Some are meeting several times a week so they can be together. They become braver and braver as the weeks roll by. The affair becomes like a runaway freight train. They know it is out of control but they feel helpless to do anything about it and besides that, it feels so good. They become sexually involved almost as quick as the affair starts. The sex is better than they remember it being at the start of their marriages.They become careless and at the same time a part of them realizes this but they don't care.
They start talking of leaving each other's mates so they can finally be together on a permanent basis. As they are doing this, they realize sort of that this can get pretty complicated. One of the partners might even start at this point having second thoughts about whether or not they want to pay the price, which will be very steep. The cost of the actual divorce as well as the cost emotionally of leaving their mates and wondering what to do with the children inovolved becomes complicated. But in spite of this, the train keeps running.
After a while due to the carelessness of the affair partners, they create suspicion to their mates as to large increments of time missing from their families. They become overly concerned over how they look, their clothes, and their perfume. Money goes missing from the family budget as gifts are bought on special occasions and money for trips and motel rooms goes missing.
One day one of the affair partners catches their mate on the phone with the lover, or sees a love note or maybe they catch them together on one of their clandestine meetings. He calls the wife of the man involved and the secret is out. Tempers flare and divorce proceedings are mentioned.
Many times both affair partners move out into their own places or even with each other. Now much embarrassement has been caused on both sides. Friends are made aware of what is happening and shake their heads in disbelief. The children in both marriages are emotionally in turmoil as well was both sets of husbands and wives.
In most cases when the above scenero happens, the couple that were having the affair split up. It is rare they go on to divorce and marry each other. However, in a lot of the cases the couples involved do divorce their mates or vice versa. So plenty of damage has been done.Now the true picture emerges as to the cost factor of having the affair.
For those couples that are able to keep their marriages together after this, there is still emotional damage done to all partners. This damage is lifelong and it will be in your subconscious mind awaiting a chance to be revisited at the right invitation. It might visit at the most inopportune times. It could happen to either partner in the marriage bed when they are attempting to make or making love. It won't need much of an invitation. This part of the cost is akin to torture.
The best solution to those that are contemplating an affair is that you should get into some sort of counseling with a professional and decide if you want a marriage or a divorce. Of course, this step should come long before the thoughts of an affair even surface.
As you can see the costs of an affair are staggering. Is it worth it? I guess if you are only thinking of yourself, you can answer yes possibly. But if you are thinking of all the people that you harm, the answer is absolutely not.
So, why do so many affairs happen. I believe it is because of poor judgement as well as longing for someone to love and have it to be the way it was when you first fell in love. I think we as humans crave this.
So if we want to help keep this from happening ,then we must be proactive and work on creating the magic we once knew in our marriages. Most people know what those areas are. Some of us can do this possibly without therapy, but most will need counseling because of losing our objectivity. But it does not seem possible to me for a marriage to be and stay sound without help from our creator, God. So it you feel the need for counseling make sure it is with someone who has a connection to our good Lord.
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|Reviewed by John Domino
|I agree - no way is it worth it!
|Reviewed by Marina Swann
|Yes!Sad but true!Even better than being counselled by someone who knows the good lord is being counselled by the good lord himself!
|Reviewed by R Beeman
|i agree with that. however, there are times when the sun shines even on a rainy day. when all the counseling and conversations and promises come and go it becomes oh so easy to go down that road more and more. when only one partner is willing and the other would rather watch tv, then i understand why people depart from their marriage vows. sinful?, yes it is. yet through the bad things in life, God is still on the throne and good lessons are learned from bad things.|
|Reviewed by Jennifer Butler
|And the main reason is that there really is an insane God who will take it out on your innocent children.|
|Reviewed by Anna Marie Fritz (Reader)
|Brilliant and scripturally agreeable reasoning, Aubrey!
As to your last paragraph...the very best of counseling comes
from the Bible. It is sound, up-to-date, and always successful.
|Reviewed by Debra Conklin
|Much of what you say in this article is truth and sadly, textbook. All affairs usually begin because something is lacking in the marriage or relationship of the people involved in the affair, this is why they turn to partners outside of the marriage. Exciting, thrilling and passionate, yes. Guilt-ridden, frightened of discovery and feelings of worthlessness, yes also. An affair puts the people involved into turmoil and distress. I agree that being proactive and discussing with your partner what is wrong in the relationship may enable them to fix it, but, sometimes, letting go may be the way to go. Some people are unresponsive to change and unwilling to fix what is wrong, preferring to think all is well. This thinking can easily lead to divorce or an affair with someone more compatible. If you want a happy marriage that will last, never avoid confrontation and always be prepared to make some changes. Marriage is all about compromise and change.
|Reviewed by m j hollingshead