If you’ve been watching CNN, or as I like to call it…gasp, “THE HORROR CHANNEL” then you’re probably in need of a few adult beverages these days.  Thank Marilyn it isn’t hip to go to AA anymore.  I don’t remember a time when it was cool to be drunk...well...I don’t remember the nineties for that matter.  But I do remember what it felt like to go into Ralph’s on LaBrea and fill my grocery cart up with all my delightfully, foreign friends, “Mr. Gray Goose,” “Lady Patron,” “Le Courvoisier,” and don’t be shy my little Irish buddy…”Jameson!”  Those were the days I say but I’m not about to let anything screw up my good time!  And neither should you dear.

According to Forbes alcohol sales were trending UP in the last quarter of 08.  It doesn’t take a genius to know why that’s true but now that you’re readjusting your finances you’re probably thinking “I’m doomed to a life of Popov and Old Crow!”  Speaking of Popov vodka (it’s tackier than Tyra) my sister Barbara’s choice liquor for decades has sent a perfectly charming, middle-aged woman into a two-day drinking tirade many a time.  Recently my family gathered around her bed after she’d been up all night howling at the moon.  My mother shook her awake, as we are all sick to death of her running naked through my parent’s backyard singing Dwight Yokam songs.  I said, “Barbara we love you!  You have to stop drinking…CHEAP ASS LIQUOR!  IT MAKES YOU CRAZY!”  Then my father handed her a moderately priced half gallon bottle of Smirnoff.  She cried and it was a truly moving moment. 

The truth is that bad liquor is never a good choice.  I got my first DUI after downing a few 50 cent cocktails at a drag bar in Augusta, GA.  I don’t know which is worse the DUI or that I was actually at a drag bar in Augusta.  Anyway…those fifty cent drinks ended up costing me well over ten thousand dollars.  I was so polluted that I was I caught driving the wrong way down a one-way street at TWO AM!  I had no clue where I was when I woke up in jail with all my new, charming roommates.  So before you find yourself giving up and heading to recovery here are a few choice alternatives to wet your lips without drying up the bank account.

Svedka a Vodka imported from Sweden has become my favorite new foreigner!  I’ve always kept GG (Gray Goose) around to shut up my best friend Cindy who loves dry martinis and I do advise you (if you can actually keep a bottle of anything in your house) to hold on to this staple for all the Chelsea Handlers on your guest list.  But if you’re a mix master then Svedka will ROCK YOUR WORLD!  In mixed drinks it is almost undetectable.  It’s such a sly little Swede slipping it’s drunkenness down your pants after midnight.  With it’s 5 times distilled, 80 proof, power you won’t remember that your AMEX has been cancelled come Sunday morning.  You also really won’t have much of a hangover, which is awesome!  But the best part is the price.  Because the brand is touting itself as the world’s better vodka it’s coming on cheap and strong.  I bought a humungous 1.75 liter bottle for $19.99 (that’s the same price as a Snuggie and ohhh so much warmer).

Sailor Jerry, The Original Spiced Navy Rum is not new.  Sailor Jerry once made the concoction in his Honolulu tattoo parlor (when tattoos were strictly a sailor’s right of passage).  Most Rum is moderately priced.  My personal favorite designer rum was once Appleton from Jamaica, which is pretty much how we like our men…rich and dark.  But even when I had a great paying job it was too pricey.  The first time I ran into Sailor Jerry I was depressed and down to the end of my weekly allowance.  He promised me a real good time for less money than a bottle of Svedka!  This Caribbean style blend boasts a hint of cherry.  My mother held a glass of it up to her lamp exclaiming, “Jamison, this is the prettiest colored liquor I’ve ever seen!”  And then she drank it and asked for more.  But the truth is this stiff stuff is an amazing value.  After you’ve drank up a bottle of its 92 proof goodness you will wake up knowing what it feels like to be a sailor gone wild.  And the best part is the original Sailor Jerry tattoo on the reverse side of the label.  You can’t see her until you’ve drank the entire bottle of booze…which I guess is the idea…to wake up in a fog with a new tattoo!  Liquor prices vary but if you shop around you can find a big bottle (1.75 liters) between 18 and 20 dollars.  I’ve picked up a few sailors in my day but this one is my personal favorite!

Jim Beam Rye Whiskey, Hard like the bitches on the boulevard, show me a bottle of whiskey and I’ll show you a wild time cowboy!  I know it isn’t likely that most fashionistas can appreciate the strange and sudden ways of whiskey but just in case there are a few adventurous lesbians following my lead I’ll let you in on a secret.  This antique recipe is always cheap and taste awesome mixed with Coke Zero.   The Korean Liquor store down the street from me used to sell their 1/5^th size bottles for TWELVE NINETY NINE!  I always love how Korean shop keeps are so quiet until they say the price….then they scream it out loud like you’ve lost your miracle ear.  However once they saw me clearing out their inventory the price suspiciously crept up to fifteen dollars.  I’ve noticed that the limited distribution of Jim Beam’s Rye makes it hard to find but the average price is consistently much lower than Jack Daniels and my one true namesake, Jameson.  However…on average…all of Jim Beam’s formulas are great and competitively priced.  So if you’re feeling a little scrappy then proceed with caution.  There’s a reason the Indians called it firewater!

Beer, Come on Homer…you know you love the stuff.  In these dark days we’re all sitting at home watching “Rupaul’s Drag Race” with a bottle of Amstel thinking, “I can’t keep buying the best anymore!”  I know times are hard but don’t go busting out the Steel Reserve just yet.  There are some great inexpensive alternatives right under your nose.  Hailing itself as “America’s Oldest Brewery” Yuengling is a great beer with a great price tag.  I personally prefer their Light Lager, and with an average price of seven bucks a six-pack!   That’s a lot of buzz for your buck baby!  Depending on which store you stagger into Becks is a great alternative at roughly the same cost.  Still too high?  Wow…you really do need a drink…try Miller High Life, “The Champaign of Beers.”  This golden oasis of drunken debauchery will go home with you for $7.99 A TWELVE PACK!  Drink the pain away…but fyi…mixing it with Chinese food is never a good idea.

Ok…so you’re a pretentious, label-wearing bitch.  I feel ya baby…image is everything and all this cheap talk is giving you a migraine…right?  But you’re still broke and busted and can’t be trusted…and you’ve got a twenty-two year old hunk of burning love coming over for a COCKtail.  Egads…what is Mary going to do now?  You’re fabulous and you need a fabulous drink to woo him into inebriated ecstasy.  Don’t go digging through your dresser drawers for last year’s party favors.  Drugs will make you look “dated.”  Just bust out a bottle of Jacques Cardin’s Apple Flavored Cognac!  This sexy angular bottle is decorated with a Fleur de Lys and a designer chrome cap.  It mixes beautifully with Volvics pomegranate-tangerine flavored, spring water.  Serve it on ice and this French duo will have his pants around his ankles before he can say, “Ouis Monsieur!”  The good news is that all of this fabulousness will not sail you out on the cheap.  This set up is as impressive as Courvoisier for much less dinero.  Cardin retails for $33.00 for each fancy 750 ml bottle (I have been finding it for twenty bucks)…while premium liquors go anywhere from $45.00 to $100.00. 

Now that we’ve covered your booze budget basics I would ask that you drink responsibly and with dignity.  There is room only for one Amy Winehouse in this world.  No matter what you should never drink and drive.  Broke city officials everywhere are ramping up DUI busts and there’s nothing cute about spending the night in jail.  Oh…what was that?  You’d like to buy me a drink?  Oh…really you shouldn’t…but if you insist…then download a copy of my new book at http://www.glbpubs.com it’s called “Eight High in Heels” and for every eight dollars you spend on a download I promise to slip a dollar into one of those cute, little stripper boy’s g-strings!  What can I say?   I’m an alcoholic Prince among men.