"THE ESSENCE OF LOVE"
by Dr. Kelly Roberts
copyright 1994 * all rights reserved
How do you put down the fears within concerning love, trust, and faith when to date, most of which you have learned is pain? How do you easily accept, or convince yourself that to try once more is worth the anticipated hurt that may or may not follow?
As human beings, we all share a common need to love, and to be loved. Yet, so few of us truly know the meaning of that, or have truly experienced the same type of pure love we so desperately seek. We need to love, yet the fears within us allow us to put walls between those we love and the love we seek. Walls that, at times protect us, and at other times keep us from experiencing that which we need to exist.
Love is not supposed to hurt. Love, in it's true essence and meaning, does not hurt, nor destroy. Love is positive. It is the counterpart of love that is negative.
As all things must have it's opposite in this Universe, perhaps we must have the scales tipped more towards the negative in order to truly appreciate the positive. When all is said and done, is it not love that motivates us, compels us in every aspect of our lives? In our relationships, our work, our dreams? do we not strive harder for those things that touch us deeply, move us towards our goal of happiness rather than towards pain? Is it not love, in receiving and giving, that leaves it's mark upon our soul long after the material trappings of this existence have worn us down?
At times, love seems to be synonymous with pain. But that is only because we forget during these times what love truly is. We may have it confused with the counterparts. When we remember to separate the positive from the negatives, we remember vividly what it was we sought after. The pain is registered with the realization, the disappointment that we did not find what it was we sought.
As we analyze our feelings towards love, we might realize that most of our fears stem from the beliefs or actions of those that we have loved in the past. Their actions or beliefs, based on the counterparts, i.e. fear, jealousy, resentment, greed, etc. altered our beliefs about our self. What we perceived to be love was contaminated with the contradicting energy of the counterparts. Insecurity is then developed within the self, as one tries to consider whether or not it was something created by us to cause the action within others. You begin to believe their expression, blame, or criticism as truth, when in all reality, it may not be. In the end, we forget once again what love truly means.
Now at hand, once more, is the (often times difficult) task of trying to separate someone else's belief system from our own. Finding your own self when there is so much outside influence to sway inner opinion is not easy. In all effort to look at the whole picture fair and square, we find that we have not only listened only too well to the 'other side' but have adapted that into our own being as fact. Hopefully, what we realize, once more, is that love is love. It is positive. When negative energy becomes involved, it is usually out of motives associated with the counterparts, but it is not genuine love. It is fear.
If we take a good, hard look at those fears, we find that we might create one, or several scenarios either directly or indirectly. Besides building emotional walls that keep people 'out', we miss many of the close relationships we seek, as well as the lessons that they bring to us. We seclude ourselves from the happiness as well as our attempt to hide from the pain. We may even sabotage relationships in a subconscious effort to avoid the pain altogether. What we end up with is an emptiness that leaves us unfulfilled as individuals, couples and human beings.
There comes a time in our lives when each of us must make the decision to take a chance, put down the fears, and allow ourselves once more to give love a chance. That doesn't mean there isn't fear involved, or a gamble that it won't work out the way we hope it will. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. And there are certainly none where love is concerned. But if we consciously acknowledge our fears, our walls, and work towards healing those areas, letting go of the past hurts and the preconceived anticipation that we will be hurt again, we might actually find that loving, or being loved does not have to be painful. If we truly allow it to be, we might find that it can be the only thing in this world really worth seeking.
If we take the time to put down our walls, let go of our fears, our anger and scorn, and strive instead to experience love as never dared before, we would, in the blink of an eye, change the face of tomorrow.
Unconditional love is not necessarily an easy state to achieve. Yet, we seemed to know more about it when we were just babes, before we learned to distrust, use caution, guard ourselves or manipulate. We had to learn, by the process of being 'taught' by our parents, teachers, or other figures of authority that we should not necessarily trust first and ask questions later. If you think back, to either your own childhood or perhaps a child you have taught, it often took constant reminding (conditioning) to learn this lesson.
And although that lesson is necessary in some situations to avoid danger, we often times carry it through into other situations where it is not necessary, but instead, detrimental.
Unconditional love does not mean you can't get angry, disappointed, or even 'dislike' someone. Loving someone with unconditional love does not mean you have to be a doormat for them and allow negative behavior. It means, however, that even though you understand their behavior (and most likely may disapprove of it), you still care about them, love them for the being that they are, and you have the ability to wish them well in all aspects of their life without exception. You don't have to agree with their choices, but you allow them the right to make their own choices, as you know they must find their own path, not one you have dictated.
Some people find a great deal of difficulty in this concept, as it seems 'opposite' of what they learned about love. However, if we keep in mind the counterparts of love, the difference becomes clearer. If you choose to 'love' someone only if they love you in return to the same degree or more, that isn't love. That's bargaining.
If you love someone only if you have control over them, or dictate to them what you will, that's not love. That's having someone at your fingertips so you can manipulate them to your hearts desire.
Below is a list of ten ways we may sabotage a relationship in order to avoid the pain it might cause. Read each one carefully, being honest with yourself and ask yourself if it pertains to you.
1) We tend to repeat the same negative patterns or draw to us the same type of person.
2) We 'test' our mates or potential mates.
3) We play games; manipulation, control, ego trips, power struggles, victim, bully, lies, deception, etc.
4) We don't build good communication or we abandon it.
5) We place blame and/or make assumptions which may or may not be correct.
6) We don't speak or act honestly with our mates or potential mates.
7) We often care selfishly more about our own wants and needs and neglect the wants and needs of our mate.
8) We 'drag' the ghosts from our past into the present relationship, often making unfair comparisons, demands, accusations or expectations.
9) We refuse to put down the walls we have constructed to keep others at a safe distance, or we build new walls. Either way, we close off a part of ourselves.
10) We allow outside interference to pollute our relationship. This can come in many forms.
History truly does repeat itself. If we do not learn the lessons we set up for ourselves the first time around, we are destined to repeat them over and over until we do learn them. If the list above has surfaced in your relationships then the counterparts are causing influence, which left unchecked will place strain upon any relationship, and possibly cause complete destruction of it.
To let go of the fears, insecurity, and games and begin dealing from an honest and clear understanding of one another is usually an ongoing quest. It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen if left unattended. It requires truth, patience, a willingness to look at love, giving love, and being loved in a completely new perspective. But I can tell you this, once you make the changes, you won't want to go back to the way it was. ###