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Patrick A Granfors

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For Frustrated Spartans
By Patrick A Granfors
Last edited: Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Posted: Wednesday, May 20, 2009

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Recent articles by
Patrick A Granfors

• Best Onion Soup Ever
• Fabulous Eight Bean Soup
• Consequences
• Mighty Fine Stuffed Cabbage Rolls
• Phobos-Grunt Re-entry
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           >> View all 22
Someday again

Michigan State University Spartans

Test Application for New Football Coach



1)       The Situation:

You are on your opponent’s 2 yard line poised to score. Eight seconds remain in the game. It is 4th down and goal. You are behind by four points.


Do you:

A)      Kick a field goal

B)      Punt

C)      Punch it in with a quarterback sneak

D)      Plot the shortest course to the exit to avoid the beer bottle pelting you’ll get when you fail to score.


2)       The Situation:

Your first, second, and third string quarterbacks have each fumbled their past 4 consecutive handoffs.


Do you:

A)      Pat them on the back and offer words of encouragement.

B)      Take a snort from your hip flask.

C)      Rotate them in on each play until at least one of them completes a successful handoff.

D)      Plot the shortest course to the exit to avoid the beer bottle pelting you’ll get when they fail to do so.


3)       The situation:

Your star running back reports that he has knocked up 3 of the cheerleaders.


Do you:

A)      High five him.

B)      Help him with the spelling of the infants’ names.

C)      Chastise the cheerleading squad for being such sluts.

D)      Provide him with the number of a good paternity lawyer.


4)       The situation:

Your entire starting front line announces that they have failed their mid-term exams and will lose their academic eligibility.


Do you:

A)      Have them menace the professors until the grades are changed.

B)      Explain to them the importance of a good education and play the 2nd string front line.

C)      Play them because you’re never going to get to go to a bowl game anyway.

D)      Hire a computer hacker to electronically alter the grades.


5)       The situation:

Your field goal kicker strains his groin while squatting to fart.


Do you:

A)      Have the medical staff tape him up and play him.

B)      Send him to the locker room for observation.

C)      Have him practice kick a few times to determine his status.

D)      Stay the hell away from him for at least 5 minutes.


6)       The situation:

Your team has suffered another embarrassing and humiliating loss for the University. At the press conference afterward.


Do you:

A)      Blame it on the athletic director for poor program funding.

B)      Blame it on the fans for lack of enthusiastic support.

C)      Blame it on the team’s pathetic effort.

D)      Take another snort from your hip flask.


7)       The situation:

You are behind 3-0 on your opponent’s 1 yard line. There are ten seconds left in the game.  Your quarterback confuses the game clock with the play clock and lets time expire.


Do you:

A)      Teach your quarterback how to tell time.

B)      Provide a refresher course on time management the following week.

C)      Take a snort from your hip flask.

D)      Hide behind your linemen while exiting the stadium to avoid the beer bottle pelting.


8)       The situation:

The alumni are calling for your resignation after three winless seasons.


Do You:

A)      Explain that humility is superior to arrogance.

B)      Remind them that you have a five year contract but would probably perform better with a raise in salary.

C)      Threaten to expose the athletic director’s child pornography collection.

D)       Hide a lot.


9)       The situation:

Your wide receiver admits to receiving substantial cash payments from several alumni.


Do you:

A)      Suspend the player immediately and notify the press.

B)      Offer to split the money with him to keep it quiet.

C)      Contact the offending alumni and demand more money.

D)      Ignore the situation since you’re never going to a bowl game anyway


10)    The situation:

Your tackle is arrested for attempting to perform a sex act on “Sparty”.


Do you:

A)      Post his bond because it’s not against team rules.

B)      Remind the press that such things were commonplace in Sparta.

C)      Praise him for screwing the sparties more than you have.

D)      Refer him to a pornographic film studio.



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Reviewed by m j hollingshead 6/16/2014


Reviewed by pat medlin 1/17/2010
hizzteridoctilly witty!

so glad i fumbled into your den...however this means another 'demon of distraction'now joins my 'toenail trimming time'...

"i'll just read one more of patrick a granfors pieces before i try to grab that little winged thingy that was just in my head...and slam it to paper"
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