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Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)

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Auto Racing: Ladies - Start Your Engines!
by Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Posted: Thursday, October 30, 2008

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I had fun writing this piece, especially in naming the women drivers. Names like, Candy Barr; Misty Moonlight; Robyn Hood; Kitty Litter; Penny Arcade; Susan SuranWrap, and so forth...

Over the past several years, at least one woman has quilified for the Indianapolis 500 race, and that's good, because women should be allowed to compete with men in any sport.  But, this year was a little different story at the Indy 500, as all 33 qualifyers were women!  Scary, isn't it?

"Auto racing is boring for the most part...except when a car is going over 200 miles an hour...
  Dave Barry

It was Memorial Day week-end, and something I've enjoyed for many years, is to watch the Indianapolis 500 race.  I'm not, necessarily, a racing fan, but I live in Albuquerque, New Mexico (USA), which is home to the famous Unser family of racers.  Between them, they have NINE Indy 500 wins...four victories for Al Unser, Sr. who is tied with A.J. Foyt and Rick Mears for the most wins with four.  His brother Bobby Unser with three wins; and two wins for Al Unser, Jr.   Because of this, I watched the race to pull for the Unser family of racers, etc.

I watched on television, as so many other racing fans did across the country...and I couldn't believe my eyes.  I must have looked like a "tree full of owls," watching on television!  Not only the 33 drivers were women, but all the pit crews were women, too!  The 300,000 fans in the stands were all women; the broadcasters were women, too!  There were peanut girls; popcorn girls; soft drink girls...NOT A MAN IN SIGHT!  "What's going on here," I thought to myself?  There were no men anywhere to be seen! 

My eyes were glued to the television set, as I could not imagine 33 "women drivers" racing at the Indy 500...all doing over 200 miles an hour!  I didn't want to watch...but I had to!

"You just have to treat death like any other part of life!"  Tom Sneva (former Indy winner)

Nothing like this had ever happened before, and I went to the newspaper on the day of the race, to read more about it, and to get the starting line-up, etc.  One of the headlines in the sports page read, "Record speed set at the Indianapolis 500 of 257.5 miles per hour!"  WOW!  We've got some lead-foots out there!  The Indy field of drivers went like this:

Row 1; (pole) Robyn Hood; Kitty Litter; Penny Arcade;

Row 2; Honey Buns; Candice Piper; Ginger Snapps;

Row 3; April Showers; Tiffiny Holbrooke; Savanna Georgia

Row 4; Candy Barr; Heidi Smith; Madison Avenue

Row 5; Crystal Bahl; Carmen Sanchez; Rose Budde;

Row 6; Annie Campbell; Jane Doe; Sara Leigh;

Row 7; Misty Moonlight; Gloria Campos; Carole Carroll;

Row 8; Bunny Hoppe; Susan SuranWrap; Candy Cane

Row 9; Heather Stratton; Mia Culpa; Georgia Onmymind;

Row 10; Kelli Kelly; Tootsie Rolle; Betty Krocker;

Row 11; Brooke Troute; Pinky Luzinsky; Billie Goat;

(CALL)  Ladies...Start Your Engines...

Laying rubber... and there was smoke everywhere...these ladies meant business, as the race got started!  Thirty three women drivers...all in one place...and all doing over 200 miles an hour?  I was scared to death that something awful was going to happen!  After all, this had never happened before, and I had to look away at the start! 

But, as the race started and progressed, the women did great, and there were no accidents in the race, and everything ran smoothly for the entire race, etc.

I think this was as much a fashion show as a race.  There was only one black car in the race...the incredible "Black Widow" car...and the driver dressed in purple from head to toe!  WOW!  The "Silver Bullet" car...trimmed in pink...and the "Diamonds Are Forever" car!  WOW!  The most colorful car in the race was the, "Shop 'Till You Drop" car!  And, my favorite car was the one with buscuits and melted butter all over the car..which was good enough to eat...the world famous Pillsbury DoughGirl car!  yum-yum!

There was no advertising on these cars for oil companies; car parts; gasoline companies, etc.  Advertisers and sponsors included; shopping malls; diamond/jewlry companies; cosmetic companies; pickle/ice cream companies; hair coloring companies; flower shops; candy companies; shopping catalog companies;, etc.  And get this...over half the cars were sponsored by credit card companies...AMAZING! 

A look down Powder Puff Alley (former Gasoline Alley), was a tremendous amount of color at the race...with all the flowers...the aqua everywhere!  All the teams were dressed in their own colorful uniforms...WOW...what a sight!

Smoke and tire marks all over the race track, as this race went on, and for over three hours, we were finally on the last lap!  And, it boiled down to a race between Candy Barr and Susan SuranWrap.  This was a total race to the they were neck and neck turning the fourth corner.  One driver would take the lead...and then the other...and back and forth they went...and the crowd was on their feet going wild! 

Down the stretch they they were now side by side...almost touching they both screamed past the finish line in a cloud of blue smoke!  The crowd loved it  and were going wild!  Three hundred thousand women were on their feet rooting them on...what a sight!

By a few tenths of a second...the 87th running of the Indianapolic 500 race was won by...Susan SuranWrap...who took the pink and white checkered flag...WHAT A RACE!  People in the stands were jumping up and down; yelling and screaming; and going crazy!  What a day...and what a race!

A drive to the winner's circle, was unusual because the traditional black and white winners circle were gone...replaced with a pick and white flag...splashed with a touch of lavender!  Gone too, was the traditional drink of milk for the winner, as it would now be replaced with champagne!  On her win, Susan SuranWrap popped the cork on the bottle, and sprayed everyone in sight...high-fives for everyone, as she accepted the trophy!  Finshing a distant third was Kitty Litter; followed by Robyn Hood and Misty Moonlight rounded out the top five!

"I want to be the fastest woman in the a matter of speaking."  Shirley Muldowney (drag racing champion)

Sleepy-eyed and looking through glassy and tired eyes...the clock read 2:30 in the morning...and the room was spinning around!  I was in a race someplace...woman are taking over the world, I thought...tossing and turning all night long!  I couldn't get back to sleep...why am I at the Indy 500 head was spinning!  Unsure of where I was...and with a little sweat on my brow...I sat up in bed...looked around in a daze!  Happily...I was at home...and I was sure glad I was only having a WILD DREAM! 

SITE MAP For Hopelessly Lost Souls;
Copyright; 2008; Jerry Aragon/The Humor Doctor
Website name; humordoctormd

Web Site: humordoctormd

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