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Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)

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Golden Years; OLD AGE is NOT for SISSY'S;
by Jerry Aragon Ph.D (Phunny humor Doctor)   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, December 21, 2013
Posted: Saturday, April 21, 2012

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I've been in the humor business for over 50 years now...and, I don't see anything funny about a wheelchair; I don't see anything funny about pushing a walker around; I don't see anything funny about senility; I don't see anything funny about plastic tubes up your nose; I don't see anything funny about losing your marbles; There are the Golden Years? I'm not impressed!

Several years ago, I saw an episode of the Tonight Show, with Johnny Carson.  On the show that night, were the Monkees, the rock group from the sixties.  Johnny asked one of the Monkees, what was the biggest difference between the Monkees when they first got started, and the Monkees 25 years later...and the answer; "When we first got started, girls used to throw their panties and bra on the stage.  And, 25 years later, women would throw their Depends on the stage." 

 Humor Helps Us All To Cope With the Aging Process

Golden Years; (definition); the years of retirement; normally after 65; 

- Over the hill.  gee, I don't remember any hill.

Speaking of age...any age...here a few thoughts for the reader to chew on, since you're getting old just like the rest of us. 

Comment; He really succeeded in turning his life around; he used to be depressed and senile...and now, he's just senile and depressed. 

hearing aid; (definition);  a device for assisting partially deaf people to hear better;

Comment; You've never listened to anyone your whole life, and now you want to hear better...why?

- I'm not getting older...I'm just a wrinkle collector.

- So many candles...yet so little cake.

- dentures;  (definition); an artificial remplacement of one or several teeth;

Comment;  Hell...why do you need teeth?  All you've done your whole life, is to put your foot in your mouth!

- I'm not that old...I demand a re-count.

- I'd rather be over the hill...than under it.

- Middle age is when the broadness of your mind, and the narrowness of your waist change places.

Senility; (definition);  a slow decline or detioration of mental function;
Comment;  When you were still potty-training at the age of 49, I knew there was something worng!

- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre and not for the toy.

- If you had a bowel movement every 300 days...you'd be grouchy, too!

- Middle age, is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the phone rings, and you hope it isn't for you.

- Middle age is when everything wears out; falls out or spreads out.

- Middle age is when former classmates, are so gray, wrinkled and bald, that they don't even recognize you...and that goes for the men, too!

constipation; (definition); a condition of the bowels, in which, the feces are dry and handened and evacuation is difficult and infrequent;
Comment; You've been stuck-up all your life, and now that you've entered your Golden Years, you're worried about it?

- You are not over the hill, until you hear your favorite songs in the elevator. 

- Mid-life crisis?  I'll have you know, that my whole life has been a crisis!

- The most frightening thing about middle age, is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.

- It is said that boys will be boys...and so will a lot of middle aged men. 

- You know that you have reached middle-age, when weightlifting consists of merely standing up.

- You're not old by any means.  You're just chronolgically gifted. 

Comment; I enjoyed reading your autobiography; two hundred blank pages; You don't remember much about those good ole days...do you?

- I like my bifocals; my dentures fit me fine; my hearing is perfect; but Lord I sure miss my mind!

- You know you're getting old, when "getting a little action," means your prune juice is working.

- The secret to staying young, is to find an age you really and stay with it.

- When I was a kid, I used to toast my marshmellows over my birthday cake...and now I can roast a turkey.

wheelchair; (definition);  a chair mounted on wheels, for persons who can't walk;
Comment; I've seen plenty of those old grannies, race up and down the streets, doing bout 600 miles an hour.  They would make drivers at Daytona and Indy look like cardboard cut-outs, etc.

- Lying about my age is easier now, since sometimes I forget what it is. 

- You know you're over the hill, when the only whistles you get, come from your tea kettle. 

- I can still cut the mustard...I just need help opening the jar. 

Senility is a good thing.  You're always meeting new friends. 

- It took my years to get my head together...and now my body is falling apart. 

- You know you're getting old, when you've lost all your marvels.

- It take about ten years, to get used to how old you are now. 

- Old age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- At my age, I've done it all; I've seen it all; I've heard it all; so why can't I remember it all? 

- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- I am now entering my metallic years; silver in my hair; gold in my teeth; and lead in my bottom. 

- No, really...I'm just a 16 year old, locked in an old ladies body. 

- I'll have you know...I'm not aging...I'm just marinating.

- Get this...I'm not as old as I used to be. 

- I don't consider myself bald...I just have one hell of lot of forehead. 

- It used to be wine, women and song.  And, now it's beer, the old lady and TV. 

- My mind wonders all the time...but, fortunetly it's too weak to go very far. 

 

-  Question:  When did my wild oats turn to my shredded wheat? 

- You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 

- You know you're getting old, when 'Happy Hour' turns into a nap. 

- You know you're getting old, when the gleam in your eye, is just the sunlight hitting your bifocals.

- You know you're getting old, when you get the same sensation from your rocking chair...as you do from a roller-coaster. 

- I'm not old...I'm just a victim of gravity. 

- I can't figure if life is passing me over...or just trying to run me over. 

Jack-in-the Box; We've all heard about this fast-food joint.  Now, there a fast-food joint for Seniors, too.  It is called "Jump In the Box," and Seniors go there to eat their last supper, and then go out to the express line, and jump in the box, and head for the nearest cemetary...no muss...no fuss... they don't pass GO and they do not collect $200 and NO get out of jail (Free) card; they won't need it....

"I'm not afraid to die...I just don't want to be there when it happens.l"  Woody Allen

- Old age aint bad, when you consider the alternative.

And, speaking about the alternative...I don't want a stone on my grave.  I just want a parking meter, that reads, "TIME EXPIRED"

 

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Reviewed by MaryGrace Patterson
Enjoyed this write! We are still searching for our golden years , and unfortunately have NOT found them yet! I sometimes wonder if we ever will. I wrote about them last year.. STILL SEARCHING and things are getting worse , not better. There is too much governomics and cut this and slash that !!!!...Life goes on and so do we all, trying to do the best we can!!!!!.........M
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