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Bhong B. Martinez

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by Bhong B. Martinez   

Last edited: Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Posted: Tuesday, November 26, 2002

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I wrote this trying to hover between my own deserted feelings and that throbbing reality that cannot be avoided... when we let go of someone... both of you will surely get hurt in the process...boy, relationships sucks sometimes but we all learn to digress feeling the pain and in the end, only the good memories will linger.

(Hoping to be finished…soon!)

A mind solitude standing still yet on the verge of throwing half awakened reality into that bottomless scene of paralleled desires. I cannot but help to wonder what goes on inside my sprittle-sprattle brain. I am not defiant about its rustling ramble in this sick augmented-enhanced boobs generation. I am not the ever-reliable writer who writes until the thoughts left her dwindling mind. I am just somewhat haggling between reality and death, fantasy and mediocrity. A complete borderline psyche I have yet to decide in my 30 years of existence.

I read in one of those self-help books that for a person to really express himself well in writing, he should begin it without knowing how to start and ending it without knowing what he has written. So there, I started mine in the most oblique soliloquy of long undiscerning thoughts. I hope to end this with people knowing what I have wanted to put across, because I myself really is at a loss for what am I going to say here…so help me please.

In the true st sense of the word… I am a wanderer. I get tired so easily not because of heavily laden toil I have to do, fact of the matter is I’ve been idle for such a long time now (six months to be precise), I cant ignore the fact that there are times that I’ve felt unperturbed of what my purpose of living really is. The most tiring thing for me is when you’re not doing anything and that your brain isn’t doing what its supposed to do, channeling data or stimulating the neurotically capable mind of yours to do its logical way of thinking. This fact remains that I am solely, pathetically and incongruently unaware that despite my inadaptability to react to any given circumstances, I am still challenging the world around me. People thought that being numb and giving the “I-care-not” attitude (the phrase I borrowed from a friend) makes me undulated to what’s been happening to my so-called life. I move around lately, moving is not a term I usually use I could say that I do wander a lot! … From one place to another, experience to another, location to another and different lives that I had to live that goes with my being a nomad. I always escape from what’s physically and emotionally hurting fact that I have to deal with, I don’t know where and how to end a given situation without knowing the only way to do it… running from something that you’re really clueless of is something scary and would surely gives you goose bumps when you look back and found out that yeah, you’ve made it. The escapist, that’s me. Afraid to be hurt and to hurt others, I’d rather let things died their natural death by simply ignoring them like crazy. Come to think of it, even with affairs of the heart, there’s no escape from my being an unaccomplished lover. For the life of me, I cannot really recall the last time I said I love you to a person without really meaning it because I always most often loved them. The only problem is I can love 2 or 3 persons at a time. Its not like being the typical Casanova it is actually more than that. Its not even being egoistic about things, it’s about the feeling of being in love and being loved in return. Call me neurotic, but admittedly I am.

Neither am I the ever martyr person when it comes to relationships, but I do must admit that I felt that sometimes, well, we all do, right? Maybe the only thing I can give myself credit with is the thought that when I am into something deep like an abyss relationship with my (whoever, for that precise moment) significant other, I gave my hundred and twenty one percent of emotions. Thus, I fell and really end up falling so hard straight faced … the idealistic animal in me cant help but to expect to be loved in return the way I gave love to that person. Yes, I do know that in every relationship it is coupled with risk. Ergo, I must be fully aware that I can get hurt in the end in too much hopeful and a lot of times hopeless expectations. But I am just human and I cant be the hypocrite critique that would malign others so she can start cleaning her dirty linen in private. Point is Loving is the most neurotic thing the sanest person could ever bestow herself with. Have you ever wondered why every time the calling of that very disturbing word “Love” comes knocking in you’d always clothe yourself with a warning device and always (I know I am right with this, don’t be a charlatan now will ya?) and forever you’d start telling yourself to use your head … but always ending up following what our disgusting sometime stupid heart dictates? … Having been in this catastrophe for over trillion times or more, I am not inclined to say I am not guilty for anything because truth of the matter is I am. So, I often ask myself and mind you I’ve been noticing that I’ve been doing it a lot these days. How come love can be so unfair at times, causing blindness to people who have the 20/20 visions but couldn’t see the flaws in a person her heart imprisoned her thoughts and dilated her pupil? It also causes the kin of Einstein to be so moronic and completely helpless, I wonder why we love to love and yet hate to accept the defeat it brings forth? I may have been cynical about the whole thing but it doesn’t mean that I’ll never give myself the glory of that blissful feeling. We are all sucker for romance, neurotic or not, imbecile or super zealous, righteous or folly, big or small, stout or anorexic looking, we all crave for that something. We all are hopeless romantics who sleeps while eyes wide awake, sings out of tunes, rhyming words to being poets, associating songs to her feelings; and once the relationship ended admit or not we end up distracting ourselves, crying endlessly, a complete damsel in distress drowning self with beers and always blaming her self and start uttering the what ifs and the could’ve been’s.

Maybe my reason for writing this article is to put halt into what I am feeling. The mind has started to synch in with my aching heart. But since I have enumerated here the many ways we tried to combat our failures, I will try to shift gears from the norms. So, on this hundredth times I’ve suffered the pain of feeling dumped and kicked out from someone else’s life I’ll do what my heart is telling me … the only reason it keeps on hurting because we have never really listened to it … I just happened to realized it these past few days … maybe the only way to stop if from aching is to really stop and let go of the pain. And I will. I must along with letting go of that special person without any bitterness for him as an individual. Then and only then, we can give credits for those people who love giving good advices and follow the ever sick and tiring to hear adage “Love thy self”. I do love myself so I am writing this.

“Love maybe blind but it can lead you to see the beauty of feeling it … never be afraid to swim the tide for only then one can know the value of LIFE.”

…Love… yeah. It sucks…sometimes!


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