In my first book, THE NINTH COMMANDMENT, I wrote about four specific cases I worked in and around the Boston area as a Massachusetts licensed Private Detective. The book's title was actually extracted from a witness interview while I was working a case involving domestic abuse, the issuing of a Restraining Order to the defendant and the alleged violation of that RO.

The Restraining Order, referred to simply as an RO, or, in Massachusetts as a "209A", comes from a section within the Massachusetts General Laws.  The RO, itself, is a great tool used to aid in the prevention of domestic abuse.  When used properly, it may help those who suffer from this ugly social stigma.

The RO is utilized to prevent and protect those individuals, primarily women, who suffer from physical battering and life-threatening "verbal" assaults.  These assaults normally come from victim's spouses, or in many cases, either ex-spouses or boyfriends.

Another term for the RO is a, "stay-away" order or "Protection" Order. For the sole purpose of this article, I'll use the terms, "bad guy" or defendant as the recipient of the RO.  The RO informs the bad guy, he cannot, in any manner, make contact with the victim, not even through a 2nd or 3rd party, through a family member, by mail, phone calls, etc, etc.  It also indicates a designated, "stay-away" distance, which in Massachusetts, is normally 100 yards .When used correctly, this tool prevents terrible tragedies to befall many, many victims.

 However, when used "incorrectly", lives are forever altered in a manner completely unknown to the American public.  First, let's talk about “domestic abuse” and the instant image those words normally manifest within our minds. When we hear that a woman has been "domestically abused" by her husband, for example, the initial image we visualize is that of a drunken man, unshaven, wearing a torn T-shirt, with his belly hanging over his belt, and beating his wife.  However, in the majority of cases, this image is false.  And quite often, the alleged abuse did NOT involve any physical assault or threats, whatsoever.

Let me explain by using an example:  In the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, if a couple is in the midst of a heated argument, and in the process of the man trying to leave the home, he "bumps" into his wife, accidently or not, and his shoulder simply brushes by her shoulder…but makes contact with her.  This is considered domestic abuse, and he can be arrested for Assault & Battery.

Here's another example:  If the alleged victim, during the course of a verbal argument with her loved one, raises her hand to strike him, and he lifts up his hand to prevent getting struck, well, he's in big, BIG trouble.  Should her hand strike his, and she hurts herself, he can and WILL be charged with Assault & Battery, and domestic abuse.

Example:  Let's say a couple is having a domestic argument. And during the course of the argument, the husband or boyfriend says something to his loved one, such as, "I shoulda kicked your ass years ago!"  He has just committed assault, and this assault can be considered a potential "threat" to the victim's life.  He can now be charged with Assault, domestic abuse and threats, and be immediately arrested.

All these examples warrant a judge to administer an RO for the safety of the victim, if so requested by the alleged victim. And, by the way, very, very rarely will an elected judge EVER refuse an RO to a woman.

Okay, now I've given all of you small examples of the "Politically Incorrect" truth about some of the things that actually constitute domestic abuse and Assault & Battery. There will be those non-believers who will balk at what I have written here, but, that's perfectly alright.  Just pick up the phone, contact your local law enforcement agency, and ask to speak with the "domestic abuse" officer.  Be prepared for the shock of your entire life!

Once an RO has been issued (the initial document is referred to as a "Temporary" RO), the defendant is served papers informing him he is now under the control of the RO, with the established "stay-away" distance indicated on the RO itself. After a short period of time, normally 10 days, the victim returns to court to see the judge in order for him to determine if the RO should be vacated (ended) or extended (normally for one year).

What the judicial system and the media does NOT tell the American public about the initial issuing of the temporary RO is this: The Temporary RO is issued to the victim by the judge...WITHOUT the defendant being allowed to be present in order to defend himself!  And the victim is NOT required to offer any proof or witnesses to support whatever was alleged.

 This is fact.  At the "extension" hearing, just for a lack of better terminology, the defendant IS allowed to defend himself with the use of defense counsel. He may even bring witnesses to testify on his behalf.  These witnesses may actually be exculpatory in nature, and able to prove the defendant did NOT do what was alleged.  However, quite often, the judge may deem it a waste of the court's time to listen to the witnesses should he deem the victim is telling the truth.

Should the witnesses actually testify on behalf of the defendant, their testimony will probably fall upon deaf ears.  If the victim tells the judge she is still in fear of her life...that's all she wrote!  She WILL get the extension for her RO.  I should also mention at this point, this is one of those rare judicial hearings where "hearsay" testimony is allowed.  Mostly it is "he said-she said" testimony.

But what actually happens to all those bad guys or defendants who find themselves on the receiving end of ROs?  Well readers, it's best you hold on to something before you read what's coming next because this is the key to the destruction of people's lives.  From the very moment the judge issues the order, the defendant's criminal history (in Massachusetts it's a BOP, Board of Probation history) is updated to reflect the issuing of the RO, and it will reflect he is an abuser of the Domestic Abuse Act or something similar to that.   Here comes the kicker!  Once this RO is issued, it can NEVER BE REMOVED FROM HIS CRIMINAL RECORDS...EVER!!!

Even if it is proven in the courtroom, during a trial, that the defendant was falsely accused, his criminal history will ALWAYS reflect he was charged with a crime involving domestic abuse and that an RO had been issued.

Now, how many of us were NOT aware of this fact?  In our society today, domestic abuse has become such a terrible social behavior, that employers have questions on their potential employment forms asking about violations of domestic abuse.  And it's not just employers who now ask these questions.  When my wife and I moved to San Antonio, the form we filled out for our apartment had a question referring to domestic abuse. The question was this: "Have you ever been charged or convicted of a violation of the domestic abuse act?"

Here are a few questions for all of you: First, would you hire anybody who had been CHARGED with domestic abuse? And second, would you desire to have anybody living in your apartment complex that was CHARGED with domestic abuse?  I think not!  It doesn't really make any difference if your criminal history reflects your case may have been dismissed.  The initial domestic abuse charge is still there.

People will draw their own personal conclusions based solely on the charges.  It is an unknown fact, that many divorce lawyers will tell their new female clients to immediately apply for a Restraining Order… automatically.  "Just go in there and tell the judge he threatened both you and your children and you're afraid of him!"  That's all it takes, readers.  Divorce lawyers use the RO in divorce and child custody cases to help win the case quite often.

Here's something else the media and the judicial system have never told the public. The victim who takes out the RO can make contact with the defendant at any time and in any manner she so desires even though there's a "stay away" distance indicated on the RO.  If the victim calls the defendant and tells him she wants to appologize and asks him to "come over to the house", this will present a problem for the defendant.  Should he decide to actually go to the house, she can simply call the police and he will be arrested for violating the RO.  Does this ever happen?  Yes...and more times than you think. 

What I say to you now, in the form of more examples, are actually from cases I worked in Massachusetts as a licensed Private Detective, and retained by law offices:

The victim sends the defendant a letter and asks him to please write back to her.  Once he does that, she takes the letter to the police.  He's instantly arrested and incarcerated for violating the RO.

The defendant is seated in a public restaurant eating a meal with his mother and father.  The victim  walks into that same restaurant with FULL knowledge he is there.   The defendant MUST get up and leave or he is considered to be in violation of the RO, and again, will be immediately arrested.  My client in one of these cases went to three different restaurants on the same night, with his parents, and the alleged victim arrived at all three locations, as soon as they were served their meals.  He paid for three meals - three times - in a single night - and never got to eat.

The last example was an argument I've had with many Assistant DAs in Massachusetts and none of them could give me a correct response.  Here it is:  Does the RO prevent the defendant from going anywhere in public where the victim may arrive… at a later time?  AND, if the defendant is in this public place BEFORE she arrives and she sees him, shouldn't it be her that leaves immediately if she is actually in fear of her life?  That's why the RO was issued in the first place.

These are examples of how this tool is improperly utilized and the completely devastating effect it has on those that are falsely accused.  As small as the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is, in a 3 year period, almost 150,000 ROs were issued to women.  Folks, I'm here to tell you, if 150,000 men in this small state are actually abusing women to this enormous degree, then we've got a social problem within our society that must be dealt with immediately!

Here's another statistic that you'll never hear or read about. The greatest amount of domestic abuse in this country that goes UNREPORTED is female on male.  This is a fact that absolutely nobody will address because it is NOT politically correct.  The very first thing said will be, "Oh, that's crazy! Look at the difference in size!"  This, of course, is the "excuse of choice."  Size has nothing to do with it.  Women strike men every-single-day!  But men do not report these aggressions. And why don't they report these violations?  The reason is very simple: it's embarrassing and humiliating to them.

Can you possibly imagine a man walking into a police department and saying the following to the desk sergeant: "My wife hit me!" Or, " My girlfriend hit me!"  These are things that men are not only embarrassed to speak of, but there is a stigma attached to these aggressions as well.  Do you want to talk about the difference in size?  Why is it women don't seem to have any problems striking children?  Is their a difference in size there?  Using this same excuse, does it make it alright for a 150 pound man to strike a 250 pound man?  No, it certainly does not.  But in America, we have been, I don't know, perhaps "normalized" to the "humor" involved with a woman striking a man.

We are accustomed to seeing it every day in the "funny" section of most newspapers and, of course, on TV and in the movies.  When we see it happen, we either laugh or cheer the woman on.  "Yeah! Give 'em another good shot!"  Now just take a little time and think about that one.  When we hear of a woman striking her husband with a frying pan or the old reliable standby, the "rolling pin", it makes for great humor, doesn't it?  Okay, now let's reverse this and have the husband striking his wife with that very same frying pan or rolling pin...all of a sudden, it's not so funny any longer, is it?

Now ask yourselves, "Why is that so?"  One human being striking another human being is definitely lacking in humor to me.  But somehow, we are prepared to readily accept a woman striking a man because, well, it's just a riot to watch.

I cannot recall many movies I've watched in the past 25 years that does NOT have at least one scene where the woman gets to strike or kick the man in the testicles.  OH yeah!  There’s a vast amount of humor there!!

You must all understand, the laws covering Assault, Battery and domestic abuse do NOT discriminate.  The laws are not established soley to prevent a male idiot from beating up on a helpless female.  Domestic abuse is a double-edged sword that cuts both ways, and the day must arrive soon when we are prepared to openly acknowledge this fact.  It is a terrible, horrible blight on our society, and a total and complete embarrassment to mankind.

Each and every time I hear about a man who actually does physically abuse a woman, it makes me sick to my stomach; it enrages me like you cannot possibly believe.  But I will tell you this, I was not raised that way, and neither were the majority of American men.  They were raised with their parents telling them to never strike a girl...EVER!!!

In my heart, I WANT to feel this is true.  I just hope today's parents are raising their sons in the same manner.  So, readers, when you read about ROs and domestic abuse cases, don't be so quick to believe all you have been led to believe in the past.  Don't make the assumption that "another man has just beaten another woman".  Your neighbor may be accused of it, but it does not mean he actually "struck" his wife or girlfriend or threatened her.

Nobody is ever a believer in all that I've said here...until it strikes them close to home.  Several years ago, I had a client whose 18 year old son was arrested for the Assault & Battery of his high school girlfriend, and an RO was immediately issued to him.  Through our investigation into the case, we discovered he had broken off their relationship prior to graduation, and she became enraged.  We also discovered that the alleged victim had talked to a few of her girlfriends and they suggested to "piss him off" by filing an RO.

She went to the police and told them he had "pushed her and then threatened her life".  He was arrested and the judge issued the temporary RO on the young man while he was in jail.  When she appeared in court 10 days later, she told the judge she had lied and he had not really done anything wrong. She went on to say she was just angry and desired to "get back at him."

As a result of her confession, the RO was vacated, of course, but the charges remained on his criminal history.  The word, DISMISSED, was added to his criminal history report, but, it really made no difference...the damage had already been done.  That young man will have to answer questions concerning those charges for the remainder of his life.

But what happens to the alleged victims who falsely accuse their husband or boyfriend?  What happens to those certain individuals who, in the heat of anger, destroy another human being's life?  Well, the answer is simply...NOTHING!  They are never made to be held responsible for their actions.  Think about that.

There is an important subject I have not addressed as of yet and saved it for last...STALKERS.  I have a bad taste in my mouth for stalkers.  They are terrorists to me; they prey on the weak and the helpless.  A woman that's being stalked is a woman in DANGER.  A stalker, if nothing else, is persistant.  They are normally intelligent and understand the boundries of the law.  They use the law to prey on the helpless.  This is probably one of the "types" of cases that piss off the police to the maximum because, as much as they WANT to, they cannot do anything unless the stalker does something to break the law.

A woman requires the protection of the RO even if she's being made to FEEL she's being stalked by a specific individual.  Should she see the individual hanging around her home, bumps into him while shopping, or sees him again at the local movie house, and then begins to receive "hang-up" phone calls, it's a sure chance she is probably being stalked.

 Restraining Orders are the "instant" tool to be used in stalking cases and they work...most of the time.  Stalkers will try anything, even after the RO has beed issued to them, to try and make contact with the victim.  It is not unusal in these cases for a body guard or private detective to be retained by the victim.

So readers, I thought I'd take the time and tell you the things about these important subjects that many of you never realized.  Thank you for your time, and when you have the chance, give my book, The Ninth Commandment; thou shall not bear false witness, a look, and read about these cases.

Tuffy  (2006)