Shaping Up and Heading Out:
Aggie Mundeen's War On Aging
Aggie, columnist who writes "Down-With-Aging" in FIT TO BE DEAD, discusses slim workout clothes, Miracle pills, and Brain Energizers.
When I decided to solve a murder at the health club, the detective, bless his heart, became obsessed with thwarting my methods. Can I help it if things got chaotic?
I also plunged into my exercise routine. Now I’m resting and flipping through catalogs. This one just arrived: “Maturing with Style.” Do they have spies? Do they know I obsess about my age? Is some twenty-five-year old reading my birth date alongside my name and address? What else does he know?
The catalog cover says I can feel better, look better and live better. I think they mean I’d better bust my chops to stay young. Okay. Let’s see if stuff in this catalog can help me pull it off.
The first items are “slim-with-no-gym” workout clothes. I wish I’d found these before I forked over the three-month membership to Fit and Firm. There’s a “shaper” tunic and “shaper” pants with built-in poly/cotton/spandex liners. I bet those suckers are tight. If I can’t breathe, I can’t exercise. At Fit and Firm or anywhere else. Too painful.
Maybe that's why they feature ThermaTone, triple-action miracle pills for pain relief which promise natural relief for the natural pain and inflammation traversing my body. Pain was not natural until I started exercising.
ThermaTone Pills promote gentle healing through fifteen ingredients including antioxidants to flush toxins from aching joints and muscles. Am I filled with toxins or have I stretched something?
The pill makers recommend popping two of these buzz balls twice daily for relief, followed by occasional tabs to prevent sudden flare-ups. Unnamed components may cause me to pee a lot. Analgesics smuggled in from third world countries might make me oblivious to pain. Or simply oblivious. ThermaTone pills could cost more than my health club membership. Let's move on.
The next page advertises a thirty-day supply of Brain Energizer pills. Underneath the package of booster-pack supplements, it says that although mental decline is often accepted as an unfortunate result of aging, it need not be so; poor nutrition can decrease memory, clarity, and concentration. Brain Energizers include Ginkgo Biloba (Isn’t Bilbao in Spain?), soy extract, and Omega-3 fatty acids … which I can buy cheaper at the grocery store…assuming I want to ingest the stuff…which I don’t. I'd rather eat fish twice a week. Taken with enough water, though, they might curb my appetite.
In the event something I consume irritates my stomach, they have a remedy for tummy troubles. I spray it under my tongue for instant relief. A dozen natural ingredients coalesce to relieve diarrhea, nausea, heartburn, gas, cramps, and food poisoning. Naturally, they are vague about the source of these maladies.
Are you trying to shape up and head out? Have you found slimming workout clothes, miracle pills or brain energizers that work? Write me: intrigue101.sbcglobal.net. Between us, maybe we'll find something good.
Hopeful, Aggie Mundeen
p.s. Next time, we’ll investigate hair-strengthening-shampoo, amino acids, nutritional supplements, lip plumpers, face massagers, and Lifties. Don’t miss Article Two.
© 2011 Nancy Glass West