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George E. Albitz

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Bad News For Plaxico
By George E. Albitz   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, December 01, 2008
Posted: Monday, December 01, 2008

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The bad news is...I found out about it.

Hinkly Dinkly Reporting
Stand By For Sports!

Today by now I'm sure both sports fans and unsports fans are aware that Plaxico Burress of the New York Football Giants shot himself in his right leg at a Manhattan nightclub a few nights ago.

That's not the bad news.

The bad news is...I found out about it.

I was instantly enthralled by the concept of a story that every reporter hopes will come along in his/her lifetime that will spring him/her into prominence and elevate him/her to a level of adequacy in the literary world while making my mother proud and showing all of my friends and relatives that they were wrong to ridicule me for continuing my education through the fifth grade.

I immediately set out on one and a half hours of extreme extensive research.

First of all, let me say that we should not be too harsh on Plaxico. As most football players say when they do something stupid or illegal, “We all make mistakes!”

I asked myself why someone would shoot himself in the leg? As usual I came up with hundreds of good reasons, so to narrow it down I asked other New Yorkers.

One guy said he was shooting at his foot to get out of football practice, and he missed.

Several people said they were there when the incident occurred but their stories conflicted.

One guy said he was playing Russian Roulette and when his turn came up Plaxico said, “I'm not shooting myself in the head! What do I look like, a FOOL?”

Another guy said someone saw him holding the gun and asked if he was a good shot? Plax replied, “Are you kidding?...Watch THIS!” He immediately took aim on a fly and followed it buzzing around the room with one eye closed and his tongue sticking out clenched firmly in his lips...until it finally landed on his leg.

Still another guy said he was practicing his Fast-Draw.

Finally another guy stated someone walked up to him and said, “That gun ain't even loaded!” Plaxico yelled back, “Oh Yeah it is!”
“Prove it...shoot yourself in the leg!”

These are all conceivable scenarios but the one that probably is the real thing was taken from the security cameras that show Plaxico conversing with Hines Ward of The World Famous Pittsburgh Steelers. The sound quality was muffed out by the crowd but I was able to read their lips as Hines was saying, “What happens in Manhatten stays in Manhattan!”
Plax replied, “Yeah right!”
I'm not kidding...shoot yourself in the leg!”
“What do I look like, A FOOL?”
“Go ahead...nobody will know!”

Hinkly Out!
By George

Web Site: Encephalon Epitaph

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