Before I begin I have a question of my own...Who in God’s name instructed you to send ME this particular question?

Was it one of my ex wives, one of my girlfriends, a chambermaid perhaps, the girl at the bookstore, a girl from WAWA, the girls from the corner? I can tell you with complete devotion that none of these women is man enough to tell me to my face.

Perhaps it was one of my friends, a good friend, a bad friend, a friend in need, a friend to the end, a friend to the death, my best friend? It could be The Butcher, The Baker, the man who serves me papers, the Cable Guy, my parole officer, the wino in the alley, the list goes on and on. If I were a younger man I would call them ALL out on the field of honor. But I suppose I’ll never know...Oh the humility of it all!

Anyway here’s my article...

HOW TO STOP EMBARRASSING BODY ODOR

Body Odor, a.k.a. “BO”, is primarily the result of sweat. I suppose it’s nature’s way of telling the world we’ve been working out. For the most part there is nothing about body odor that cannot be overcome with a good bar of soap.

Body odor comes from the Greek - Bodieus Odorodieus. The Ancient Greeks saw this as a way to repel enemy attacks, but found it effective only against clean armies, (Rare in those days.) It is generally perceived that Homers Iliad telling of the Trojan War is highly unlikely due to, highly likely, levels of BO that would have emitted from The Trojan Horse, leaving the inhabitants un-nondetectable with results much more severe than merely embarrassing.

Early man, consisting of tribes of hunters, had a hard time of it when animals seemed to know when they were sneaking up on them and scampered off. We now know it was due to their BO.

Enemy scouts often reported they could smell their adversaries, “A mile away!”

Body odor went virtually undetected for hundreds of years because everyone had it. It wasn’t until the Renaissance of the 12th century, when people started to bathe, that folks began to “Smell things.” It was found that those who didn’t bathe didn’t smell the others who smelled, and those that did bathe smelled all the others who didn’t.

The Duke of Wellington instructed his men to bathe before the Battle of Waterloo, which gave them a decided advantage over the French. Napoleon had hoped for an element of surprise. However, since the English were clean they were able to detect the body odor of the French. Sadly it was later learned that a French chemist, Pierre Cologne, discovered a splash on lotion, (that would have changed the course of history,) just moments late of arriving on time.

The tree falling in the forest makes no sound unless there is someone to hear it. Not unlike that tree, there is no BO unless there is someone to smell it. Therefore stay away from people!

Fortunately those who sweat with us, smell with us. BO cannot smell BO. We cannot smell them and they cannot smell us. Only associate with others who sweat.

We need to avoid people after workouts until we are able to shower. The road home can be a nightmare if you let it. Elevators are risky but they’re the quickest way out of buildings. If you have no time to take the stairs the elevator will do if precautions are taken. Look in the car and make sure you will be riding alone. If it should stop on the way down be ready to leap out.

Once you reach the ground floor exit the building as quickly as possible. If you don’t have a car, NEVER walk home with BO, you will only sweat more and may bump into folks along the way. Always take Public Transportation. Busses and subways are invariably jammed with people reeking of BO. You will not be noticed.

Once you arrive home, bathe...and your problems are over.

Times will come when a bathtub is not available. On those rare occasions a “Marine Shower” is generally considered a good cover-up. Merely spray yourself with a robust deodorant, however don’t overdo it.

According to my Grandmother there’s no better way of covering up unsightly BO then dousing yourself with mass quantities of cheap perfume. An oversized bag is essential for carrying spare bottles for touch-up spritzes throughout the day. Unfortunately this tends to be rather costly for those on fixed incomes so she doesn’t go out much anymore.

Money can solve ANYTHING. If you find yourself in an uncontrolled situation and fear the presence of BO, start throwing money around! You’ll be amazed at how your odor won’t even be noticed...at least for awhile.

If you think you may have amassed an unsuitable level of BO while sweating in the waiting room of a job interview, ask the receptionist if you can take a shower before your parlay.

If you have a job that requires you to sweat, quit the job immediately for a variety of reasons.

Watch your diet. Stay away from things like Beans. There is nothing worse than a person with BO and gas.

Our bodily fragrances need not be offensive and embarrassing unless we allow them to be. We may as well start getting used to bathing regularly because there's always that old adage, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”, which is a nice way of saying they ain’t letting nobody with BO into heaven.

By George