I'M BIONIC...WELL PARTIALLY!
edited: Friday, December 17, 2010
By George E. Albitz
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Friday, December 17, 2010
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In an effort to remain humble, after surgery, yet maximizing my abilities, I turned to a trusty collaborator, the renowned Professor Penwose, (From the university.) His findings on the matter, although somewhat mystifying are also rooted deep in Scientific Fiction.
He told me he first needed to do a bit of research on the subject I had laid upon him that he was only vaguely familiar with. The first step was to consult a dictionary for a term that may have gone astray due to the realm of science fiction. To our surprise the expression had gone only slightly out of kilter.
Bionic…utilizing mechanical parts to assist humans in performing difficult, dangerous, or intricate tasks, as by supplementing or duplicating parts of the body…having superhuman strength or ability.
The Professor concluded that, by definition, he was more than justified to presume that my new Titanium Hip, is and always will be a true and functioning bionic devise…and I, by the same definition, am a true and functioning Partial Bionic Gentleman.
Obviously the aspect was overwhelming and I immediately thought of the days of The Six Million Dollar Man and how he was pursued for his powers. I knew I must keep a low profile about town.
Professor Penwose stated we needed to find out exactly what, if any, my bionic powers are? We began a series of tests. The scope of my abilities could not be determined however, due to the fact I am still in the healing stages of surgery, but The Professor could see a high degree of potential.
After a ten minute quick-step on a stairmaster, and configuring healing ratios and coefficients, multiplied by gravitational exhortations and atmospheric depressurizations and possibilities of chance, Professor Penwose was able to determine my maximum running speed, after full recovery, would be in the neighborhood of 89 mph.
Unfortunately, that was just for my bionic leg. The other would do no better than 6 mph., leaving me running around in a series of dizzifying circles not unlike a Swirling Dervish.
The Professor was able to come up with an interesting remedy after a light bulb dazzel from the “old” TV days. We gave his idea a try and it worked splendidly.
I am now able to run “in slow motion,” with both legs, giving the “illusion” I am running fast just like The Six Million Dollar Man!
We know The Six Million Dollar Man was The Six Million Dollar Man, because they said it cost Six Million Dollars to build him. I realize I am only partially bionic, and obviously less than that amount, but have no idea what my actual worth is do to the fact I have not yet received a bill.
Professor Penwose suggests, after my co-pays, etc. I will probably be known as, “THE THIRTYFIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR MAN.”