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Susan K. de Vegter

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Doing Without and Not Settling for Seconds
By Susan K. de Vegter   
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, August 12, 2006
Posted: Saturday, August 12, 2006

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In love with love...I know that feeling...

I've been accused of that lately and it has bothered me a great deal.
First of all...I'll admit to being a romantic. I can remember, very well, how being in love used to feel. I recall walking on air and being aglow with this inner warmth that compelled my mind to wonder when I should have been more focused on my job, or driving...or just whatever the hell I was supposed to be focused upon.
I've missed that feeling a great deal.
Could it be that I just miss the feeling...the sense of 'being in love with love'?
NO!!!
I've been without that side of love for many, many years and have conditioned myself to be happy being without. I have survived with the love of my children and my friends. This kind of love is a dedicated love that brings security without the desires and passions that are aroused with the true r love.
The emotion that one has for friends and family is one of quality while the one of true r passions and desire is for the one I love. You are committed to the family unit and if you are a good person then you are just as committed to your friends.
Then what of the past love that isn't here and never quite made the bed..so to speak...but stays under your skin and crawls out now and then to let you know, had it gone further; you wouldn't be here with the scar tissue as proof that it existed. Like the fine scalpel that carved wonderful initials into your heart, lacked the closure and for some reason if they returned you wonder. You just wonder if you could maintain. Then you push up the reason why you left with the horrow and the terror they put you through. Then your compassion attempts to justify the passion that explodes to make you want to get back in touch...but you won't. Something tells you that isn't what love is supposed to be. I mean the one-sided kind.
Isn't this love ... true r love, the sort that is sad...is never quite requited and the sort that goes on to inspire the great romance novels ...the kind that makes you tear-up at movies and, now and then, tugs at your heart strings with that gut-wrenching ache that stays with you forever...then peeks out whenever the heart strings are tweaked?
Now it's my turn to feel this particular 'ache' for someone I can't have...won't allow myself to have.
I suppose love can turn on you...perhaps 'get even' for being neglected...who knows!
I feel an ache...deep inside...for a great loss... a sadness of never a positive closure of any kind.
Is this a symptom of 'being in love with love'?
My God..what a wonderful man, well...sometimes. I have been alone so long that I asked myself if that's the problem. Is this why I care so deeply?
It's a proven fact that the mind tends to remember the good things and builds up that dream even more.
No!! I have seen so many men with a lack of true desires of honesty and forthrightness. Most will lie or embellish their attributes, then bend over backwards to 'seem' to want to give you the world, when all they truly desire is to get you in bed, conquer the hard to get, then move on. It's an adventure for most and they haven't an ounce of compassion for you afterwards. I have not been the victim here but have been a witness and was there for woman that have suffered to listen.
Augh!!! The power of true love...makes some hearts sing and others weep.
Isn't this being 'in love with love'?
Isn't love supposed to be based upon happiness and harmony?
I'll surely give it my best shot...but I rather doubt it.
Is it love to feel jealousy when I don't?
Is it love not to be selfish and just think of one's self?
...And isn't the history books full of these loves or the sort that fought wars over love and made it through while others die on the battlefield, with the last dying whisper being greater with the heart?
Now, granted, this is a bit dramatic, but...well, you get the point.
My true love is the one I will always wonder about. The one that will stay with me on those lonely and cold nights...but most of all...he will be the one all the others will have to be judged against.
For right now,I want to dream the way he is...in my mind and hope he'll find me one of these days.
Is this being 'in love with love or is this a true r sense, the unconditional love.
Love is the kind that freezes his image in your mind and beats that extra beat in your heart
Isn't this love...passion?
Honest love allows you to walk out the door , make adjustments to your life so everything measures equally.
I find it hard to close the door to my heart.
Is it love to be blessed with a friendship that is one with my soul and given so easily without the hard feelings of merely being a challenge to be conquered?
Now how do I live without?
I know that love is to give of yourself freely and to put your faith and desires into the others hands for safe-keeping.
I realize that love is to be understanding and compassionate for the others' feelings and needs.
I recall that love is the desire to please another over one's self and having the ability to laugh as well as cry with the other.
I have missed all this.
There just isn't a happy medium here. Someone will win and someone will lose.
I've never pictured myself as a loser but perhaps this is one of life's humbling lessons in self-esteem.
I'm not settling for secomds again.
I walked out th door from the love I thought was true . In my heart it was. With my wisdom it wasn't.
If this is being In love with love...then why can't I control this emptiness...now that he's gone?

© 2006 Susan Kathryn de Vegter


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Reviewed by Simon Barreiros 10/6/2006
Hi Susan,
Really love this writing. "being in love with being in love?" For me , I believe that this is the love of our soul's for the creations around us. We constantly gather the flowers of love from even the air , and then toss them up, like a flower-girl at a wedding to shower those around us. I still feel the love of all I've ever loved. My parents, both deceased, my lovers, my friends and God's lil green planet. Love that is real never dies. At times it pains us if carnal desire or possiveness hold sway. But these are not love. Love is a gathering of the nectars of the world as we fly hummingbird like from one flower to the next.
So much to ponder in the writing of yours. Honest and open you explore your love here in this writing and in this way share your love yet again.
thank you...simon
Reviewed by Aubrey Hammack 8/14/2006
Susan,
What I really like about your writing is your up front honesty. You have been so open in this article. I agree with everything you've said here. I may be wrong, but I believe for my self anyway, not having closure in ended relationships, causes the pain.( Closure, now there's a topic for an article.) As I think about it now, for the few serious relationships that I had before marriage, there was lack of closure. And at least briefly, I had the feelings in all of them that you've described. I also have thought at times that I've gotten highs while doing my grieving. I am sorry that this saddens your life. If I could take a magic wand and touch you and make everything alright, I would. I have heard that time heals all things but as I've gotten older I have seen some things that time does not seem to heal. Remember Bridges of Madison County. Fransesca ( and I know that was just a movie,) died loving and missing, and thinking about Robert Kincaid. I believe those kinds of things really happen to real people. You will find that right person and I hope it is soon. He certainly will be a lucky guy.
Reviewed by - - - - - TRASK 8/13/2006
Love Is MYTH,i.e. True Love Is Compassion...

Neat Write On...

TRASK
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 8/13/2006
How I wish I had written this...and I know I am a fool being in love with love.....but if you never had that love and it falls upon your lap...By GOD who could blame me for taking that risk to feel that special love and the warmth it bring you a bloody oceans full of tears to go along with it...but the feel remains damn good!!!!

I was born a Pisces and would die one I guess!!

Love Tinka
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader) 8/13/2006
Susan, my brother told me once, after a bitter divorce, "Buddy, (all my brothers call me Buddy) I just miss being married." Now being married and being in love are two completely different things. One is brought about by the law of the land and the other is brought about by the soul of the heart, but they are interchangeable, and yes, I can quite understand your thoughts on the subject . . . Psst! There ain't nuttin' wrong with being in love with being in love, actually I think it is a positive thing.
Reviewed by Felix Perry 8/13/2006
This pours from your heart smooth as warm molassass and just as sweet, honest feelings on or about love are really hard to write and express but you captured this so well. I know well love and their are as I once believe I told you so many types and ways to love but I do believe their is the perfect love...the one that we would die for if necessary.The man that receives that love from you someday will indeed be a lucky soul and should treasure and return that love unquestioningly.

Fee
Reviewed by ronald genise 8/12/2006
Like a diamond love has many facets. Each face has a briliance of it's own. Your mind may have closed the door, but your heart still knows it is just on the other side

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