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Susan K. de Vegter

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Out of Practice
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Southerness As a Second Language
by Susan K. de Vegter   
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, September 23, 2006
Posted: Saturday, September 23, 2006

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Written by
Anonymously Southern and proud of It, ya'll!!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

_____Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.,make up "a mess.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines and when we're "in line"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular .... all y'all is plural

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea"
and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"...and go your own way.

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff ... bless your hearts,
I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless your hearts ... y'all have a blessed day.

Reader Reviews for "Southerness As a Second Language"

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Reviewed by Jennifer Butler
Yup, and I never heard of fried green tomatoes before that movie with that weird actress who also played the role of an obsessed nurse who kidnapped and tortured her favorite author.
Reviewed by Aubrey Hammack
I like this piece.
Reviewed by Aberjhani
Presented with all the grace, humor, and grits-on-the-side twang of a true Southerner:-)
Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader)
Bless your heart too.

Reviewed by Ronald Hull
I always knew that yonder was a fur piece. My grandmother's closest relation to South was Northern Indiana, but she talked that some.

Ya'll didn't write that didja?

Reviewed by Dove JoAnne Cromp (Reader)
Glorious Susan...I know and live the southern tradition oh so well!!
You capture it so well~~~~Take ya shoes off, ya'll come back now..Aint no place like it in the world..Yeps..

Xxx dove
Reviewed by Joyce Bowling
I can relate well to each of these statements...I don't take my tea sweet, and I just had tomatoes and eggs yesterday for breakfast, my husband is up early as we speak fixen to go hunting, my mother in law lives yonder over the hill, it is a far piece away, and I am a grandmother from the south and love giving sugar to my two beautiful grandchildren. I love this...the sentiments of the south are just one of the things that make it so special that most of us would never think of leaving it, I know I don't...
Reviewed by Felix Perry
Something tells me I would fit in real well like down there with y'all.

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