Well, Iran is promising a big surprise for us very soon. They say it's in celebration of the anniversary of their revolution. Gee, I hope the surprise has something to do with ice cream. I like ice cream. And cake. And cookies. And presents. But, no clowns. My mother had the grand idea to hire a clown to entertain us on my sixth birthday. He had fangs and was carrying a chain saw. Mom was always funny like that. I believe this was about the time I started hearing the voices.
Anyway, Dement-O jumped out from behind a curtain and screamed, "Who's the birthday boy?!"
They said I had the look of a Chihuahua birthing a Toyota which has to be painful so I screamed, ran out the back door and they couldn't find me for three days. Of course, mom was ecstatic. Maybe that's why we visited McDonald's so much.
Come to think of it, that does sound like an Iranian surprise. But, to be fair, they've shown us on many occasions that there's always room for Americans and the Jewish at their table. It's generally somewhere between the mashed potatoes and skrank salad.
"Now, Akbar, you must eat your infidel or no dessert. You know how fast those goat tarts go bad. And after your mother is finished getting her daily beating, have her tell Osama that he left his bra in the kitchen again. What a crazy guy!
I've got to tell you, between clowns, wilderness camp and rat poison, I'm lucky to have gotten any nourishment at all. However, as a young man, I was deluded enough to think I was a pretty good physical specimen. My friends even gave me the nickname, "Moose". It was some time before I discovered they were talking about the hair product rather than the animal. So, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be smooth and silky or slimy and gookey. I'm suspecting gookey.
My psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic, tells me that I am the Adolf Hitler of sanity, the Michael Moore of handsome as well as the leading cause of vomiting and diarrhea in the entire U.S. And I'll bet you thought it was the flu. Anyway, I sneaked into his bedroom last night and gave him a fire ant enema.
Boy! That guy can really move when he wants to. I have video. I had to chase him for miles to get it, but...I got it.
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Double-click on the floating dirty bomb and you could win three years at an Iranian spa. Well actually, it's a 4X4 prison cell but hey, they bathe you with a water cannon. How cool is that?