"It's a mess," I said as I polished off a rack of snow leopard and a small penguin casserole. I started watching "Happy Feet" on DVD but that just made me hungry again so I grabbed a bowl of parched pigeon parts and headed for the computer. You can probably tell by now that the voices in my head are back.
"Strangle Aunt Sally."
Anyway, here are some quotable quotes and other newsworthy items:
Failed New York bomber Faisal Shahzad faces the loss of his U.S. citizenship. You think?! But, I have trouble understanding how he got it in the first place. On the application, he listed his emergency contact as satan. Of course, the administration is still searching for a motive. How about...they hate us? These guys hate our prosperity, our values, our faith, our democracy and even my pet maggot, William the Conqueror. He's in my pocket right now. He so loves to ride in the car.
"Honest. All I said was, 'hello' and she ran screaming into the woods." It was my first time meeting Alice.
"Hey, anybody got a light?" The last words of the Captain of the Hindenburg.
"Kids who wear an American flag on May 5 should have to share a lunchroom table with those who wear the hammer and sickle on July 4. Roger Ebert; film critic and perpetual dope.
I love film critics. They are generally people who can't act themselves so, they make a career of criticizing people who can. As to the California kids who wore American flag t-shirts on Cinco de Mayo, I can only say this in their defense. They are American kids, on American soil, who are American citizens, attending an American school paid for by their tax-paying American parents. Common logic dictates that any American should be able to show his or her loyalty to the flag by wearing it 365 days a year if they so choose without fear of harassment. Excuse me a minute while I check something................................yep, you're still a dope, Roger.
"Boy, that's a nice alligator you have there. Sorry to hear about your nephew though."
"Damn!" The mayor of Hiroshima - 1945
The Phoenix Suns changed their name to "Los Suns" on Cinco de Mayo in protest of Arizona's immigration policy. What a dork-fest. If they wanted to put their money where their mouths are, they would have let everybody in for free. Of course, once the invasion began, there would be demands for free pop corn, sausage on a stick and beer as well as free housing inside the arena. Goodbye cheap seats.
"Uncle Fred? Haven't seen him for months. No, I don't smell anything."
"She told me she was 19!" Uh-huh. And my pet laying chicken makes regular flights to the moon. Come to think of it, I tried that once. I sure miss that chicken.
"I'd fight a more sensitive war." Al Gore
So, how do we do that Al? And why are you answering me? I can't tell what you're saying from way over here. But, except for the logistics, war is a pretty simple process. Firstly, you don't go to war unless you have a pretty good reason because people are going to die. However, once that first soldier sheds American blood, the next time we speak to our enemy is to accept their surrender. We pound them until they stop what they're doing and then we come home. Fighting a sensitive war means the decision to lose that war has already been made.
I wanted to go see my neighbor, Cynthia, but somebody sealed the hole in her fence and the police took my binoculars. So, I went to see my psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic, instead. He says I have the intelligence level of a Malvanian slug, the charm of a water moccasin and the social skills of an Argentinian pimp. So, I nailed his shoes to the floor and yelled, "Fire!" He's still unconscious.
And, as my mother used to say, "He hangs around like methane at a sewer plant". At least, that's what she told my graduating class.
I don't get it.