"Save the planet." That's my motto. But, don't save it for future generations. Save it for me. For instance, I think we should absolutely save the snail darter. They make a great snack with a little olive oil and garlic. And who could resist a good Spotted Owl soup? It'll go great with the polar bear steaks I have in the freezer. If you're looking, they're in the white packages. Please don't open the brown ones though. That's my former house boy, Raul. I told him to quit poking me with that thing. But, these situations always work out for the best. He'll make a great winter stew.
Oh, the joys of grilled leopard in the summertime. And there's always rump of giraffe in penguin sauce. Yummy. And all those little shrimp the lefties are trying to save while destroying human lives in the process? Give them to me. Of course, that many shrimp will take up space but I have to get a new freezer anyway. I need a place to put that hippo. I think it may be starting to turn on me.
And global warming. I love global warming. I'd like a 95 degree Christmas every now and then. But mostly, I like it for security reasons. The largest number of our enemies live in areas that run about 190 degrees in the shade anyway so what's the harm of bumping that up by 50 or so? As an added bonus, we could blow a hole in their ozone layer just after our troops load up and head home. Before long, they'll all look like summer sausages on a Las Vegas sidewalk. Problem solved.
Let's face it, life can be dangerous these days. We're subject to a home invasion at any time, bombers are pouring across the border like milk on Rice Krispies and we walk down the boulevard at our own risk. The prison population is currently 2,349,065 and there doesn't seem to be any decline in the forseeable future. Even dating is dangerous. Give some girls an inkling that you may have cash and you could find yourself tied to a lamp post and stripped as clean as a soup bone in Rosie O'Donnell's kitchen. But, it's not so bad. It only happened to me three times last month. I've got to quit picking up girls at the meth addiction clinic.
And, of course, there's the most common of dating hazards so, here's some advice:
If life ever brings a tear
To your eyes of blue
And you need somebody
To have and hold on to
Well, we'd like to wish you luck
In all that you endeavor
Just remember that love may be blind
And herpes is forever.