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D. Earl Kelly

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Pork Skins and Cheese Whiz
By D. Earl Kelly   
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, January 10, 2011
Posted: Monday, January 10, 2011

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Deer urine. It's not much of a fashion statement.

According to liberal standards, I guess I'd be considered a "gun nut".  I have 14 or 15.  Maybe more.  I forget exactly.  But most of them are either antiques, out of production models or belonged to my father, father-in-law or brother-in-law.  I have a couple that belonged to a friend who died and a few that were gifts.  However, I have some real "shooters" in the mix so my home is fairly secure from the evils lurking in the dark.  If push comes to shove, I can spit out more lead than a Chinese paint factory.  But, I don't want to do that...unless it's necessary.

I haven't hunted since Moses shot the rapids in a wicker basket but it's not because I have anything against it.  I like getting out there.  "Civilization" has just put too many restrictions on it.  There aren't that many places left where hunting is allowed so the shooter has to pay dearly for the experience.  I'm told getting a caribou in Alaska runs about ten grand.  But even locally, you've got to find a place, pay for the lease, reserve a time and buy a license.

Okay, I'm cheap.

Even when you get this done and get down to it, it's generally cold, you've got to get up really early and be very quiet during the experience.

Okay, I like to be warm, sleep late and talk.......a lot.

And what happens if you actually get one?  A good hunter isn't wasteful and uses everything he or she shoots which means cleaning, skinning, packaging and transporting.

Okay, I'm lazy too.

Unless, of course, the object being cleaned is a cartel drug runner.  I might enjoy that.  But, on the other hand, have you ever tried to clean one?  They're nasty.  And, there wouldn't be much left to eat anyway, what with being shot to pieces like that.

Drat!  I wet myself again.  Nice.  I just got too excited thinking about it.

I was invited on a hunt years ago so I got my camouflage clothing, sniper's veil and everything I'd need while I was waiting for the game to show up.  I had a canteen of water, 4 large bottles of Pepsi, pork skins, Cheetos, beef jerky, Skittles, Ritz crackers and a case of Cheese Whiz.  I figured that would hold me until lunch.

As I was getting ready, the other guys told me ot sprinkle urine on my boots.  They said it would help call in the deer.  They didn't tell me it was supposed to be deer urine so naturally, I...........................

They made me ride back to camp by myself.  How rude.


Web Site: Life In The Dweeb Lane

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Reviewed by Debra Conklin 1/21/2011
Ummm...urine, the scent of a real male in rut. How dare they throw a real man in the back of the truck?

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