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Rollo Tomasi

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The Balding Process
by Rollo Tomasi   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, January 09, 2010
Posted: Saturday, January 09, 2010

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The true story of a very desperate 'cover-up'

The Balding Process


It all starts with the comb. That device is sheer evil. It’s meant to set them right. I wish it did just that.


God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

- Voltaire


Must have been the coldest morning. Must have been the coldest mourning. The comb had yet again chewed off a hefty lot. I had been witnessing this with revulsion for several days. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t my time. I had to stop this, in fact, undo this.


If they declare war on us, we shall declare war on them within the hour.

- Winston Churchill


            It was a long list: protein shampoos, vitamin conditioners, herbal formulae and lots more. The suggestions came from just as varied sources. My friends, relatives, their favorite actors and actresses and other loved ones had all got good results. In my case, however, cure remained elusive. Some of these even seemed to worsen the case. Self medication and friendly advice was doing no good. I needed professional help.

Expensive medicines are always good: if not for the patient, at least for the druggist.

- (Russian proverb)


The doctor’s clinic had a whole wall full of framed certificates. By the time my turn came, I had been through the entire lot and was convinced that a cure was certainly around the corner. There were pills, oils, ointments and syrups. By the time the treatment reached its sixth month. I am sure it hadn’t added even a single hair. If I wouldn’t have stopped this useless exercise, I would have certainly ripped off the remaining strands of hair from my scalp to bankruptcy. The whole thing left me very unhappy. Then a friend suggested something ... rather extreme. “Why don’t you just shave it all off?” “Because that’s exactly the situation I’m trying to avoid.” “No, I mean, you could try getting rid of all the ‘bad’ hair and start afresh. It’s like rebooting the system when it crashes and nothing seems to work.” The logic was hard to deny. Nothing was working. Several corporations and the world’s richest man survive on this philosophy. So I went, for what I feared might be my last haircut.


If you show people the problems and you show people the solutions they will be moved to act.

- Bill Gates

The only thing more upsetting than watching numerous strands of your own hair over your furniture, clothes, and flowing away down the drain is watch it lose interest in growth. It’s like watering a flower everyday in hope that it will blossom, not knowing that you had planted it in a desert. A very popular singer with a cult-like following is shrouded in mystery over why he wears a cap. I wish his reasons are not the same as mine. I was beginning to lose hope when my neighbor suggested I try homeopathy. Considering that I had wasted so much time and resources on conventional medicine, maybe what I really needed was an alternative approach. I decided to give it a shot. They say homeopathy can cure anything. Miracles are said to be hidden within those minute sweet globules.


Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

- Albert Einstein


It took four months before I gave up on it. On my last visit I heard my doctor tell his assistant, while I was on my way out, that I was very impatient. I didn’t blame him. The state I showed up under, even a single follicle would have been no less than a miracle. There was no cure. This wasn’t a disease or ailment. This was fate. And I had to stop living in denial and stop wasting resources. My friends tried to comfort me saying “Don’t worry; there are so many girls out there. There are surely those who like bald guys”. It was perhaps time to stop doing tests and look for people with bad taste. Watching me lose hope and more, my mother decided to break her silence. “Do you know the small ashram near the station? There is a very powerful and wise baba there.”       


Glendower: I can call the spirits from the vastly deep.

Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them?

- William Shakespeare (King Henry IV, Part I)


Faith makes people do remarkable things. It’s a strong and unpredictable force. People go to war, relinquish power, and change lifestyles in its conjuration. I guess having tried so much in vain, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and decided to take up her advice. What was it that I stood to lose anyway?


In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated

- Alfred E. Newman


 “What’s your problem beta?”

“I’m losing hair … profusely. It’s been almost a year. I’ve tried many things. My mother has a lot of faith in you and asked me to come here for help… baba”.

“Worry no more. Baba has cured all the cancers, impotency, AIDS, and more.” His chela announced.

“I am merely an instrument of what is much more powerful than me.” The baba said. He then spent a while looking at my hair, my palm, my horoscope, my hair, my feet, my belly and then a little more of the hair.

“This is more complex than you think. Your guardian is very displeased with you beta.”

“My guardians? I have their consent. And anyway, I’m just here for my hair problems so ...”

“You misunderstand beta. It’s not your guardians; it’s ‘Your Guardian’: your source of energy, your light in the darkest of hours, the one who you must make peace with to find peace in your life. He alone can cure you.”

“I don’t understand what you are saying. I haven’t done anything wrong or immoral. I give money to beggars whenever I carry change. I pray, not so regularly I know, but during the festivals and stuff. I even go … “

“It’s not they who guard you. It’s your Guardian: The Camel”


“Yes, the camel”

“How did I displease a camel? I’ve never even seen one out of the zoo. I wanted to go to Rajasthan but …”

Beta, God has his own ways. Ones which I have come to learn never to question. I don’t know how or what made him upset. All you need to know is that you have very little time.” The baba was dead serious.

“What else can happen?”

“What if you lose more than just hair? You must appease him at once. End his displeasure” His chela explained.

“So … you are asking me to please a camel?”

“Yes. Don’t worry. We will help you out of course.”

“How… what do I have to do?”

“By feeding him on a full moon night. And have special prayer so that it blesses you. We will give you a list.”

“Just wait. How will it bless me? How do you know it will ‘bless’ me at all? ”

“We will … once it showers its blessings upon you. I never said it would be easy.”


“What baba means is this … fury, this rage that exists against you has been stored for a while. Only with its release will you no more be ‘The Forsaken’. Once again it will start guarding you. All problems solved.”

I was totally confused with the interleaved explanations of baba and chela. It was only after a while that it finally dawned on me.

“You want that animal to urinate on me! What’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t be disrespectful. And it’s not doing anything on you.”

“Oh! Alright. I’m really sorry. I think I got the wrong idea there. Then?”

“Only your head.”


Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

- Lord Byron


It all starts with the comb. That device is sheer evil. It’s meant to set them right. I wish it did just that.

Every time I try to set things right I end up discovering more problems. One can only hope that things that have gone wrong can be undone. Wish that eventually it’s all going to work out for the best. But they won’t. One must make peace with their situation. The strands of hair on the teeth of a comb are the part of you that you ought to let go. It’s never coming back. It’s been about a month since the baba’s advice. I don’t see much change from the oils or the shampoos or the tablets, etc. I can’t throw them away so I keep using them now and then. Sometimes the smell of the hair draws strange gazes in public places. And the cure still remains evasive despite all my efforts. I doubt if many girls are into men with rapid hair cessation problem (RHCP), a term I’ve coined myself. If you haven’t heard of it then you‘re lucky, you haven’t got it.

My friends say that there is a circus coming to town next week. I hear there will be camels there.


This sentence contradicts itself - no actually it doesn't.

- Douglas Hofstadter


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