edited: Sunday, October 31, 2010
By Laura Lee Fall
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Posted: Saturday, October 30, 2010
Become a Fan
To a friend.
Living many years of heartache and suffering from domestic abuse daily had open my eyes to many things as it also made me blind to the good .
Since I now became insecure to the outside world and honestly would not know a good thing if it stared me right in the face.
Furthermore, I sure would not know how to react the proper way instead only the wrong, as I had been emotionally affected by the vicious violence I encountered throughout my life.
Then wondering was it not only emotional but perhaps mentally also, as this was the only life I ever knew, pain and sorrow.
Therefore, I would now cause hurt onto others and defiantly have anger issues within.
At this point the damage was done and how do you tell someone that you were very wrong and lashed out on him or her for no apparent reason at all and just how truly sorry you are now?
Since this now bothers you the most as harsh cold words you spoken and have hurt them no doubt about it.
Given the fact that an ugly side you have come to show onto others now, as the beauty is buried deep underneath all the destruction you endured.
I certainly dont want to destroy a good thing as it comes along my heartbreaking road of sorrow but that is what I end up doing as my guard goes up and I lash out on the innocent .
Since I now fear they will only hurt me in the long run to and this I cannot bear as trusting in the good had sure vanished at this point.
I have come to speak of many downfalls in my life and spoke openly to address these difficult issues to others.
However, there has been one that I had buried deep inside and honestly wanted it to remain, as it took me years to even speak a word of this vicious incident to my own husband (EX) as he questioned often what happen to your back?
Then my children as they had noticed the deep scars all down my back and I would instantly change the subject.
Since this became a topic that I could never talk about, as it was just too painful or actually embarrassing.
However, it had become a growing issue around me and sure reminded me often of one dreadful day in my teenage years.
When I was sexually assaulted by a family member and then drug through the ongoing rocks and gravel.
Now twenty some years later I finally broke my silence of such a horrible situation and topic but will not address this no further and cannot actually as it had been my worst encounter honestly.
Sad to say though the deep scars would never go away on the outside and sure remained on the inside as well.
Because I did seem to fear many at this point.
Especially after living my whole life of nonstop heartache and sorrow as I have come to ask the lord many times, why all this and me?
Furthermore, did it make me a stronger person in all honesty or weak and blinded to what was real?
Given the fact, that I did not know how to respond in many ways now nor believed in someone showing true kindness to me actually.
Since I must have carried a chip on my shoulder now and would end up always saying the wrong thing and pushed others away that were honestly real and most kind.
Furthermore, they know who they are and with all my shattered heart and scorn soul I am very sorry for making a friend simply vanish.
At this point sure wish I could turn back the hands of time as that is impossible now and sad to say perhaps too late.
However, Its never to late to sincerely say, I am so very sorry and wrong was I for becoming unkind to a friend.
Now one thing is for sure and that is you realize the error of your bad ways and it is time to turn that table around from that day forward, as we cannot go back only ahead .
Therefore, it is certainly up to you on how you choose the path now and it can remain rocky or smooth from this moment on.