A chap once told me (totally unsolicited, I swear) about the weird places he’d had sex. Leading his list was “driving down the 400”. Huh? Ontario’s Highway 400, running north-south connecting the Great White with Toronto, is one of the province’s busiest thoroughfares.
Sex with his girlfriend’s head in his lap, perhaps? A little head while heading to Muskoka?
“Nope, full-on intercourse.”
Even in the ‘80s when my friend had his little sexcapade, the 400 would not bear the slightest resemblance to a lazy country two-lane. How could one possibly have sex while driving down the 400?
“With help,” was his reply. “And difficulty.”
I should think so. When we had this conversation, my friend was a Mountie, bound by oath to chase and catch anyone who broke the highway traffic laws. After his confession, I realized he would be the perfect traffic cop: Having done most of the bad stuff himself, he’d be likely to recognize bad when he saw it! Now the punisher not the criminal, he will gladly regale you with tales of what he’s seen on our nation’s highways. There are things, he says—and not just sex—that you should never, ever do while you’re driving—though sex in all its forms (including Bill Clinton-style non-sex) is right up there.
My opinion is if you don’t own a house and you can’t afford a hotel room and you don’t know of a quiet park grove somewhere and you won’t take time from your busy schedule to stop at a secluded gravel pit, you don’t warrant sex. You are endangering all other highway or byway traffic and you certainly are not giving the sex the attention it requires and deserves. Oh, I know, some of you are exhibitionists who get off by being viewed while you’re getting off. Save that for the Skydome….uh…Rogers Centre… hotel, OK—or at least somewhere where you can’t get offed while you’re getting off.
Pull off the road if you feel the crushing need to use your cell phone or laptop or according to the statistics, you may find yourself crushed—between the Avalanche in front and the Dodge Ram behind. Before you dial that number, check to see whether the Cayenne beside you is gonna land you in hot water. Before you hit that Delete key, think twice. A chat with the wife ain’t worth losing your life. A wandering surf could land you in the turf. Someone, stop me……………
I appeal to mothers everywhere. You know how you warn your daughters about dirty underwear, sagging elastic and broken bra straps? Warn your sons about nose-picking. Please. I am sick to death of glancing to the right or left or behind, as I am required by law to do, only to see your male progeny fishing long, dangly boogers out of their noses and contemplating them as if they were vestal virgins examining the entrails of goats for omens. They are NOT on MountOlympus; they are in rolling glass houses with other rolling glass houses next door on both sides. I am not required by law to watch a man (who ought to know better) scrape the insides of his proboscis. Men, what are you thinking? Do you think at all? My kids, egged on by their father, had a special rhyme:
Never kiss your honey
When your nose is runny.
You may think it’s funny
But it’s not.
Yeah, guys, you may think it’s funny to pick your nose in your car, but it’s snot nice. It’s just snot. It’s not going in to cause your death, but what about the people staring at you in disgust? Think about your fellow man before you dig too deep.
Ladies, put your makeup on before you leave home or after you get to work. Stop closing one eye so you can get that mascara on without turning yourself into Rocky Raccoon. Stop raising your eyes off the road so you can pencil in a bottom lip. Stop turning your head to the right so you can check out the girlish blush on your left cheek. There is only one reason why you should apply makeup in the car: to help the undertaker. And he’s going to re-do it anyway.
If you find you don’t have time to finish the Globe and Mail before leaving for work, by all means take it along on your commute. Can’t put down that Jane Urquhart novel? I understand; I’m a big fan, too. Please, feel free to pop A Map of Glass into your work bag. Don’t, however, attempt to read either the paper or the novel while maneuvering in bumper-to-bumper. Concentrating on the traffic will surely interfere with your comprehension and retention. The word of the day is “road” not “read”. If you persist in perusing literary works while you drive, before too long, people will be reading about YOU in THEIR newspapers—and the accompanying pictures won’t be pretty, not even if you’ve used part of your commute to apply your makeup. Decide where you’re going and how to get there BEFORE you get in the car. Reading a map on the highway is just plain stupid. And hard.
Eat before you leave the house. You may drive a Rambler Country Club, but unless you have smashed milk, bananas, protein powder and strawberries into a shake easily slurped through a straw, or someone else is your chauffeur, your breakfast should be taken sitting down at your own dining room table or McDonald’s. One sudden stop and your Sausage McMuffin will be decorating your…ummmmm…..pants. One very sudden stop (for instance, one caused when you take your eyes off the road to clean your pants) could throw you—and your Sausage—through the windshield. Instead of just munching roadkill, you will be it.
It’s also not a good idea to get dressed while you’re driving. I mean, Mr. Bean can do it—and brush his teeth, too—but for your average, intelligent person, it’s contraindicated unless you’re the one person in 100,000 who is used to having sex while driving up the 400. Having that experience will probably guarantee you have the necessary flexibility to change clothes in mid-commute, but if your sweater isn’t a cardigan, hey…some loss of vision will occur. There’s a reason your vehicle is named a car and not a closet. Understand, also, that your dressing/undressing may cause some consternation in vehicles other than your own. Especially if the other vehicle happens to have a high cab. You may call it dressing; the guy in the flat bed calls it strip-tease—and he’s as prone to accidents as you are.
Please listen to my pleas. The life you save may be your own. Or mine.
For some fun activities while driving, check this out:
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