My Funeral Re-scheduled
edited: Tuesday, September 08, 2009
By S. Ganguli for Prometheus_Media
Not "rated" by the Author.
Posted: Wednesday, July 21, 2004
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My fantasies on how one reaches the light at the end of the tunnel. Mysore.July 21, 2004
My Funeral Rescheduled
Betal took my body and kept it in hiding. Local commies were creating trouble, they were putting pressure on the Police to release the body. Mr.Sangalima, in-charge of counter-terrorism in Bangalore, insisted that Mr. Asshole has gone to Ezypt to receive special medical treatment. Until the body is recovered no body is dead. "Why did you print the notice in the newspaper?" "It's not my fault. Even Jai Prakash Narayan,the veteran Gandhian, was declared dead once. The services of the announcer at the All India Radio were terminated." "Sir, your job is to find the body. Asshole had told us enough stories on JP" "All I suggest is stay home until he comes back,dead or alive." Months went by. Mr. Sangalima consulted Mr. Dick privately. Mr. Dick suggested that Sangalima offers prayer at the Mahalaxmi temple in Kolhapur until the body comes back. Seeing the honesty at his job,finally Betal agreed to put back the body at the Morgue. Sangalima and Dick were happy. Another meeting was convened. This time Miss Ditches gave a pass. No claims were involved eitherway. Miss Bitch and Miss Pretty came separately. Miss Drink came with Mr.Mouth. Soon the proceedings began. Mr. Dick read from his prepared statement: "We know Asshole is dead,and we decided to bury his burnt body. What remains to be discussed is the inheritance of his share of the money" "Does he have any money for me?" Drink asked. "As far as we know, any major sum of his savings in Rupees will go to the Sacred Heart High School in Kharagpur. Any significant sum in Dollars will go to the Franciscan Shelters in Chicago who take care of the homeless. All other small savings will go to individuals." "But how much does he have?" Misses asked. "Not a penny." Mr. Mouth opened his mouth, " He used to say: 'Sidhu-Jyoti san karechhe, Amito kichhu parini, Amar shudhu danth bhemgechhe, Taito Amimarini' (Beng.) [Siddhartha Sankar Ray and Jyoti Basu had done every thing, I could not do anything; I only have a broken teeth,that's why I did not die.] Now he will say: 'Ranen Sen sab karechhe, Amito kichhu parini..' (Beng.) [Ranen Sen had done everything, I could not doanything] Who will pay you money if you could not do anything?" "Let's talk about his money only" Dick suggested. "His money from elsewhere were transfered to Bangalore and Mysore, but he did not get any penny. All other Rupees is with Mr. Dick. As far USA is concerned, he is a humbug and a failure. He claimed to have directed a non-existent institute" "You mean to say he was training himself to become a Director of a new International Institute", Mr. Dick interjected. "non-existent and 'pennyless new' are same to me. I fucked all his misses, I got the money,and he did not get a penny" Mr.Mouth said. Asshole gave a big kick at Mouth's ass. Mr. Dick sensed the problem. "OK, lets say something good about Mr. Asshole". "Mr. asshole actually started three new pennyless companies for the three Misses. He could not make any money, became homeless and I got the Misses." Mr. Mouth claimed. I giggled. Mr. Dick got the hint. "Let's do it this way. Pretty gets his money and the post. Bitch will become permanent. And Drink will not be able to drink outdoors, but can stay home all day and drink!" Mr. Dick opined. All the Misses were very happy.Mr. Mouth did not know what else to say. "As it appears we have agreed on the property issues. We now have to decide how to burn his body, and who should burn him." Mr. Dick asked. The stinking smell intensified, Mr. Mouth kept quiet. "What is so special about burning?" Pretty asked. "Some Hindus lit the fire at the mouth of the dead. I have a feeling that this custom has arisen because of our bad mouth." Mr.Dick said. "Asshole was so polite, he used to be nice to juniors, used to say thank you. His face need not be disfigured." Pretty suggested. " No objection from me. But who would burn his body? Perhaps any Moslem or Christian female volunteer can do it." MR. Dick suggested. Mr. Mouth did not object. And the Misses agreed. "We have agreed on his property and his burial. But how big should be the gathering at the funeral?" "Asshole was very calm and quiet,did not care for much publicity, and did not like noise" Misses replied. "That makes the solution easy. We can excuse a large number of friends. We shall also excuse his immediate family members as they do not understand Asshole's personal problems" Every one agreed with the modest arrangement. Dick, Mouth and the Misses made all arrangement. Mr. Sangalima does not talk about terrorism any more. Minister John learned to eat his food quietly. That's how my funeral ended. I became so happy and free.