Answers to Mediocre Questions
edited: Saturday, April 01, 2006
By Bob Holt
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Saturday, April 01, 2006
Become a Fan
I saw "Answers to Life's 25 Toughest Questions" in Reader's Digest recently, and I wanted to help, too. Granted, I can't handle the truth.
Answered! Life's most mediocre questions. The most mediocre mysteries of modern mankind are about to be explained right before your very eyes. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day?
Never mind all that for now. There will be no more need to spend endless nights scratching your head over life's greatest imponderables, such as why Rob Schneider keeps getting movie scripts. For the record, we have no idea. But among the things we do know:
1. Is there such a thing as love at first sight?
Most women will tell you that there has to be. If they wait any longer than that and truly get to know guys, women will learn how truly disgusting we are over the long haul. We believe that women who don't apply the principles of love at first sight, or its counterpart, love is blind, are responsible for the lower number of committed relationships these days.
2. What is the actual answer to the question: Do these pants make me look fat?
Guys use a definite tactical procedure to answer this question. Most men usually apply one of three theories in order to determine their response:
1.) A sudden severe case of laryngitis.
2.) They have developed the ability to have a heart attack at will.
3.) They keep a burglar on standby in the hall closet for just such an emergency.
Centuries of research have gone on to find the solution to this problem. And we have determined that after using one of these three clever, well thought-out processes, the man's answer will still be wrong.
3. What causes a bad hair day? Why do they always happen when your day includes a job interview, important appointment, first date, etc?
Everyone has seen bad hair days during their lifetime. You'll have yourself looking like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue or GQ when wings will suddenly spring up over your ears when you're not prepared for takeoff. Or an Alfalfa sprout pops up at the back of your head.
There have been a number of theories about the cause of bad hair days, like stress, global warming, or an El Nino current in your waterbed. But we believe bad hair days are caused by damage to the ozone layer from your hair spray, or bozone layer, if you have clownlike hair.
Some men have never had a bad hair day in their lives. These men would be Lyle Lovett, Dave Letterman, and Donald Trump. That's because their hair has always looked that way. But most guys are not that fortunate. Don't hate him because he's beautiful. It can become just a bit awkward when that first date asks him whether he's from Arizona because his head looks like a tumbleweed.
Bad hair days come in three stages: 1.) frizzy (an older Michael Bolton) 2.) split ends (mostly suffered by football widows) or 3.) split infinitives (Al Sharpton). You'll find that our highly researched three step plan will take care of anyone's bad hair day:
1.) A barrel of Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil
2,) A cotton candy machine
3.) A one hundred gallon drum of Alberto V-O5 from Costco
If these don't work, we suggest hedge clippers or a blowtorch. Good luck.
4. Why can't pants just come in sizes, rather than casual, relaxed, or regular fit?
Modern advancements in technology have enabled clothing manufacturers to offer you, the heathen consumer, more choices than ever which will provide you with maximum comfort. Designers realize that such a wide variety of selections can be difficult for the older buyer, so they are attempting to clear up their confusion by offering more choices.
For example, low riders used to be an automobile you could purchase at a local car lot. Now they are the name of a pair of pants for younger people which button up at approximately the ankle.
Teenage clothes consumers are also responsible for another choice in pants: the kind with enough pockets in them to feed a local housing development. Young persons' pants also come in straight leg fit, boot cut fit, pock-marked nerd fit, pre-washed, pre-rumpled, straight to your room fit, and outcast from your peer group fit.
Some scientists believe that the low rider pants were created when children began stuffing their homework research materials into those hundreds of pants pockets. This was considered more convenient for carrying their daily homework assignments than the other option: renting a U-Haul truck.
Many older people wind up making the wrong size or fit choices in their clothing. Statistics have proven that Speedo or bikini errors at the beach cause more retinal damage to the eyes than the rays of the sun. The parents of these children only need one size in anything: sweat pants.
But parents absolutely must take their kids to the local mall and buy the newer pants(cheapest pair $79.50) for them. If they let the kids go to the mall on their own, it will appear that they have been sentenced to forty hours of community service a week by the Food Court.
Anyway, back here at Headquarters, we like to remind people that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. So you can consider yourselves perfectly safe. Thank you.