Financial Security After Graduation
edited: Saturday, May 27, 2006
By Bob Holt
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Saturday, May 27, 2006
Become a Fan
A graduate from the old school has acid reflux flashbacks to a time when his state had money.
It's time once again to offer a few words to this year's class of high school and college graduates. You know, we almost didn't make it to the ceremony today. The combination of your I-pods and cell phones along with the hearing aids of myself and your parents caused a massive blackout across three states earlier this morning.
Anyway, we know the youth of America is strong. You're young and you're healthy. Years ago we were young. What we have now are commercials which tell us to ask our doctors about things.
That's all we get. I've never had any particular desire to throw a football through an inner tube, and I'm not about to start now. My sex life hasn't slowed down in the slightest, even though I'm older than the entire front row of students. Actually, it's hard for something to slow down when it barely registered in the first place. It can never be a good sign when blind dates suggest to me that we start seeing other people.
And I don't know what Lunesta is, or what it does. Students need to understand now that respect for your parents doesn't involve commercials for acid reflux disease. Maybe a few of us could stand a little help with acid flashback disease.
But that's not why you're here. I'm here to tell you today that as you are about to enter the working world, you will be faced with more than a few issues this year. Your future is not as bright as we would like it to be, unless you've recently come in contact with a Nigerian banker.
What I mean is, New Jersey is broke. Flat busted. But I can explain, I swear. We've got a problem. My name is Bob, and I'm addicted to oil. We've got a grease monkey on our back. Back in the day we all graduated with honors from Quaker State.
It wasn't our fault. Like many of you, we suffered from overcrowded classrooms when we were going to school. In many cases they combined totally unrelated classes. We learned our mathematics and our philosophy lessons at the same time from our professors Aristotle and J.D. Clampett.
Clampett was one of the original oil men who ran Halliburton back in the 1960s. He's kind of like Larry the Cable Guy with black gold, Texas tea, and a fancy eatin' table.
Anyway, they taught us that money cannot buy happiness, yet money is the root of all evil. So we came to the obvious conclusion that all rich people are politicians. And money may not buy happiness, but it does buy friends and an awful lot of political influence.
While we were growing up, many of us still dreamed about becoming one of the leaders of the free world. We even read the Bible, which said, The meek shall inherit the earth. If that happens today, there's a good chance your children will be contesting the will.
In our youth we wanted to be important, and to make a difference. Security in Trenton was always tight for our leaders, even in the days before 9/11. You were not permitted to enter the capital building without a thorough security check. If you were found with any lighters, metal objects, or ethics on your person it became immediate grounds for termination.
We slowly soured on the leader idea, because our next lesson explained what ever became of the middle class worker. A fool and his money are soon parted. Most of us go through our paychecks quickly, because money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure puts a nice down payment on some of our finest misery.
Outside of the classroom, we learned many financial lessons during careful home study beer bong experiments from musicians like Paul McCartney, who said, "Money Can't Buy Me Love." Fortunately money can still pay for a fleet of U-Hauls which hold all of your possessions when you park right next to it.
And the last time I checked, most of my classmates are divorced, while McCartney owned the approximate one-third of the planet not currently possessed by Oprah or Donald Trump. Our favorite musical lesson was, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz.
When we considered our state's financial problems, we asked all of you to write a final paper on ways to raise revenue for New Jersey. One student thought it would be a good idea to fine people for cell phone conversations in the produce aisles of a supermarket. He suggested a fifty percent off three day only sale on common sense, conscience, and morals at Trenton since no one there was using any.
Another idea was to enter into a deal with Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell to sell the empty seats at Phillies games to use for meetings by New Jersey's excessive government members, saving on Trenton office costs.
I thought your ideas were useful until I got to the one wise kid. He said that members of my age group who can only afford Ambien for sleep aid on our prescription plans should be hired as short-order cooks, with working hours coming during our bedtime.
Putting such ideas into practice will help to insure your financial security. Besides, in our local area, state law requires at least one Dunkin' Donuts-Baskin-Robbins for every two city blocks, so exciting employment opportunities are virtually endless. And remember, like that old philosopher Ken Lay once said, A penny saved is all that's left of your 401k plan. Thank you.
Web Site: Lifestyles of the Unskilled and Mediocre
Want to review or comment on this article?
Click here to login!
Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!
|Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
|Thanks for the giggles...I am the "minister of finance and home affairs" here..now I know why I am in trouble AGAIN.....lol!!
|Reviewed by Cynthia Borris
What's this - New Jersey is broke? Want to borrow our gov? I like the three-day sale. That is so funny!
|Reviewed by Ed Matlack
|There are still enough high end engineering jobs for those who want to pump gas out there, as well as vetrinarian tech jobs for those who just graduated medical school and they can be paid upwards of a whole dollar above minimum wage...(oh and by the way, WAWA is always hiring)! I think the grads should thank you for your diligence in keeping up with this info to help them out...Ed|
|Reviewed by Birgit and Roger Pratcher
|A really great article, you brought back memories of our rebel youth and the feeling of guilt for leaving it behind. (Who knows, maybe we can catch it if we put it in reverse?)