Vacations: Not Always Kodak Moments
6/5/2006

It's that time of year again. And they're always going to ask, aren't they? "Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?" Of course they just got back from spending two weeks in Hawaii, while the last time you had any time away from work your high point was that Hawaii-Five 0 marathon you watched all weekend on TV Land.

Well, this year it's going to be different. You've gotten that itch to travel. I know it was either that or poison ivy. You want to explore some foreign territories, this time besides the ones in the back of your refrigerator.

Yes, this time you really want to get back to nature. Upon further investigation you learn that nature is located outside, which would involve you getting off of the couch. But you don't let that discourage you.

You remember that the nearest vacation spot to you which you can visit is your local service station. All of them host the newest U. S. tradition, the Running of the Bulls**t. Wealthier people than you can still find plenty of prime vacation property available in the pockets of the big oil companies.

Leaving all of that bitterness aside, you decide that what you need is to bring everyone together for a pleasant outing which will be thoroughly enriching, mentally stimulating, and fun for the entire family. As long as it doesn't cost more than $6.50.

Actually, you can find fascinating vacation spots or tourist attractions which won't implode your life savings all across the U.S. And these spots are not likely to be as crowded as those "trendy" vacation sites that all of the "wealthy" people visit. Granted, they are usually less busy for a good reason.

That's not going to stop you now. If you live in the South Jersey area, you may want to make that extensive twenty minute journey into Philadelphia to visit a market where you can buy exotic chocolate.

Chocolate by Mueller is not your standard chocolate retailer. Yes, they do have chocolate gifts for every occasion. But the chocolate heart you buy for Valentine's Day tends to take on a new meaning when you give your true love the anatomically correct chocolate heart, available for $11.95.

Also available are chocolate brains, lungs, lab rats, dentures, and onions. For those people whose hearing isn't as sharp as it used to be, they can send the one they love the chocolate gift of a dozen noses.

Such tasty souvenirs are always nice, but you're a person who enjoys activity, and the thrill of exciting interstate athletic competition. Since we couldn't find any of that, what better event is there to attend than the Interstate Mullet Toss, an annual festival which takes place in Pensacola, Florida.

Don't worry, incredible brute strength is not necessary here, because you won't be throwing around a guy with a bad haircut. A mullet is a one pound dead fish which is thrown from a ten foot circle in Florida across the state line into Alabama.

After each tosser throws their fish, he must retrieve it and return it to a water bucket. The record for a mullet toss to this point is 159 feet. This popular event attracts a lot of local celebrities and all age groups, and has an extremely strong fan base among hungry seagulls.

Speaking of hungry, every September the residents of Mission Mountain Montana hold a festival to celebrate one of their favorite hometown meals. For devotees of exotic gourmet foods, you may, or may not, want to attend the Mission Mountain Testicle Festival.

The festival features live music, bullchip throwing contests, a rodeo, and strangely enough, considerable amounts of alcohol.

But residents are merely enjoying a peaceful celebration of their Mission Mountain Oyster Organ treats. And they will be the first people to tell you that the bull's testicle is made up of more than seventy percent protein.

An exhibit which can be found in Alexandria, IN is no bull either. This town's claim to fame began with a regular one pound baseball. A house painter named Mike Carmichael decided to paint this ball one day. And he's been painting it for twenty-nine years since using over 17,300 coats of paint, creating the World's Largest Ball of Paint.

Mike has painted this ball in twenty different colors, with blue being the most common with 2,029 layers. Mike graciously accepts e-mail requests to have a layer painted in your honor.

Actually, prior to this paint ball, the town's sewer system once coughed up a two hundred pound hairball, and promoted it as one of the world's largest.

So the legend continues. Alexandria: a town with balls.

But you may prefer something a bit more cultural in your vacation outing. Being an aficionado of the arts, you can share your art experience with your whole family at Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum in San Antonio, Texas.

Mr. Smith has painted theme toilet seats in his spare time for thirty-two years. He uses damaged seats from plumbing supply houses along with discounted seats for his craft.

When he opens the stall...err...garage doors to show his displays, visitors will see a piece of the Berlin Wall, volcanic ash from Mt. St. Helens, arrowheads, casket handles, and much more on their toilets. The stall is always open, as Smith has entertained visitors from forty-four countries.

All this activity has made us rather tired, and we want to return to South Jersey. But we should look no further than Ocean City for one final stop. Las Vegas may have gotten her claws in Miss America, but they l haven't sunk them into the Miss Crustacean Hermit Crab Beauty Pageant yet.

The competition becomes thirty-one years old in August 2006. Crabophiles of all ages swarm Ocean City to compete for the not all that highly coveted Cucumber Rind Cup. Next top crab models have elegantly displayed Crabzilla and Cleopatra Crab costumes in past years, so be prepared for anything, as long as they can keep the bright lights of Las Vegas away.

Upon returning home you realize that a good time was had by all, despite the fact that you spent more money on gasoline than on the entire trip itself. You come home happy and healthy, and no one fell out of any palm trees.

This time you return with vacation memories which should stay with you for the rest of your life. These memories will drive you to go away again next year. Hopefully before that time you will be fortunate enough to have a friend who will hit you sharply in the head with a blunt object.