Defeating Our Oil Demon
edited: Monday, October 09, 2006
By Bob Holt
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Monday, October 09, 2006
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We've been told that the country is addicted to oil. Gas prices are coming down, so have we recovered? Relapse is scheduled for the day after elections.
Hello, my name is Bob, and I am an oil addict.
Making that admission was the first step in my personal recovery program as part of our country's addiction to oil. We've been told by certain parties in the past that our driving habits indicate we've been carrying a 400 pound grease monkey on our back.
Like most other citizens, for months I watched while Exxon unveiled their quarterly profit margins. Then I had to listen while politicians, columnists, and our friends at AAA reminded me that the rising gasoline prices were my fault, due to my continued dependency on oil. I was nothing more than a monster truck driving fuel hog who especially enjoyed frightening many a Honda Civic. Also, my Tahoe SUV is nearly as large as Lake Tahoe.
That was when I realized I needed treatment. But since that time, gasoline prices have taken a major tumble. So obviously that means US citizens have successfully completed the oil addiction recovery program.
As in any successful rehabilitation plan, there are many steps which were involved in this extended process. They included:
1.) We admitted we were powerless over oil, and the wasteful driving habits we employed traveling back and forth to work and to the supermarket had grown out of control.
2.) We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves, Exxon, could bankrupt our monthly budget if we didn't submit to their wishes, and that was the only way we could regain our sanity.
3.) We turned our will and our lives over to public transportation and Blockbuster movies.
4.) We took a moral inventory of ourselves, and realized that our driving habits hadn't changed in the past twenty years.
5.) We made a list of all people we had wronged in the past, such as pedestrians and the occasional Honda we had run off the road.
6.) We encouraged recovered problem drivers to attend meetings and share their horror stories of the Schuylkill Expressway, the Deptford Mall, and rush hour traffic on Route 73 with newcomers.
And I expect it is only a matter of time before we receive our thank yous from the fine folks at AAA. It is only through their helpful hints on saving gasoline that we were able to complete the second half of our program:
7.) AAA suggested to shop for the lowest gasoline prices locally, so many Philadelphians learned to cross the bridge to South Jersey so they could pay $3.17 for regular unleaded instead of $3.19.
8.) We were encouraged to consolidate our trips in order to cut down on driving time. So we found one location where we could take care of banking and grocery shopping at the same time. We bought homes within easy driving distance of a Costco. Of course, this brought up the separate issue of New Jersey property taxes.
9.) AAA suggested that we lighten our vehicles. Don't carry extra weight in the passenger compartment or trunk. The divorce rate continued to rise because we left our wives at home, but at least we continued to save on fuel.
10.) We were told to avoid quick starts and sudden stops in traffic because it wastes fuel. Granted, if you followed that advice in South Jersey and you had been using Route 70 or I-295 to get to work, you would now be unemployed.
11.) We need to slow down. Leave enough time to reach your destination by driving at posted speeds. Travelers who were visiting Atlantic City, Delaware, or Maryland vacation spots this summer were advised to begin their trips at about 2:30 AM.
12.) If you own more than one car, you should use the more energy conserving vehicle as often as possible. Most families had to sell their second car months ago for money to fill the first one's gas tank.
Despite overcoming our oil dependency, I must admit that it hasn't been easy dealing with our current level of success in driving gas prices down. There have been many a day when I wanted to take a few quarts of oil into an Exxon service area and pretend to spill them. But that would just be spoiling everything we have accomplished.
And of course, we still need to take it one day at a time when we are recovering from a disease like oil addiction. Christmas is not that far away, and that holiday sees many of us hopping into our mammoth Mack trucks and criss-crossing the country spreading cheer to those pedestrians and Honda drivers we had harmed in the past.
At that time we will need to remember the highlights of our recovery program because we could fall back into our old wasteful habits and gasoline prices could begin to rise again on any given day. Like November 8th, the day after Election Day. No matter which party wins.
Exxon highly recommends the turbo powered sports utility sleigh for your holiday traveling this year. Merry Christmas.
Web Site: Lifestyles of the Unskilled and Mediocre
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|Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader)
|We've been in an oil crisis for 50 years and still a solution is non-existant. And I think you are right on about the day after election.
But for your silly side, have you thought of a bicycle. ROFL.
Love it! Now...where are those meetings?
|Reviewed by Ed Matlack
|So that was YOU in that freaking big assed Tahoe trying to run me off the road several years ago...Now I got me a Jeep and I can run honda's off the road with the best of em'...
I hope you are wrong this time, with regards the day after elections, but what the hell, at least we had some time with under $2.00 a gallon prices again, not that I ever thought we would see a price like that agin...I drive a company car, they pay for gas and such, while my Jeep just gathers dust for my day off drives...good one as always...Ed & Rufuz
|Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
|Thanks for sharing your silly side yet again...you just made me feel BAD about a trip I need to take......yikes!!
GOT NO MONEY TO TRAVEL BUT NEED TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY....got to go to a funeral....grrrrrr!!
|Reviewed by Kate Clifford
|LOL, being one who walks, living close to work, I have had the opportunity to view this problem from a different angle. While most are spending large amounts of money on gas, I smile with my latest purchase as I walk or take the bus...............and yet I am in the middle of plans to buy a car. I use to be an oil addict......but like any recovery program it is a lifetime commitment! ;-) It is possible I need to be dragged in for a meeting.........
Loved the humor in this write!