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John Cooker

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Member Since: Jan, 2012

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   Recent articles by
John Cooker

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           >> View all

How to Tell a Conservative from a Liberal
By John Cooker   
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, January 23, 2012
Posted: Monday, January 23, 2012

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political satire that humorously treats the divide between conservatives and liberals.

It’s often difficult to tell which contagious opinions an individual is infected with. He may act like he’s a Conservative or a Liberal, but this may be peer pressure at work. How does he really feel? When he tunes in to a Fox News segment, does he feel elated or infuriated? When he reads an article in the New York Times, is he vulnerable to its opinion or has he fortified his immune system against it?

You may not be able to determine which opinions he’s infected with until a simple test is conducted. I call this the Rastaman Test, pioneered by a famous Antiguan. The individual must be asked to sit in an isolated room in which there has been a joint of marijuana lit but extinguished and taken away. He’ll either notice immediately what the lingering aroma is and react by grinning widely and looking about to see if there’s a smoldering joint somewhere, or he may react with a quick smile which is immediately dropped to hang a guilty, pensive expression while he takes his seat and acts as if he doesn’t recognize the aroma, or he’ll not have the faintest idea what the aroma is and take his seat possibly being a little irritated at the smoky room.

You should put on a Rastafarian wig of dreadlocks and speak in a slight Bob Marley accent when you enter. Ask some preliminary questions and pay attention to their demeanor. If the sufferer can't help himself and begins to talk in a voice like Cheech Marin with "Hey, man, can you play some Grateful Dead tunes?" or "Hey, man, I think that's Panama Red in the air, ain't it?" or "You're not the fuzz, are you?" They’re a dead ringer for being infected with Liberal opinions.
 
In the second type of reaction, the individual will recognize the smell, but will evade it and appear nonchalant. He must be observed closely as his infection remains hidden. He’ll act reserved and unresponsive, like he doesn’t see (smell) the elephant in the room. You’ll detect a slight, sly joy urging a smile on his lips or sparkle in his eyes. He’s hiding his recognition and fond remembrance of past experiences while wasted. This person has indulged in smoking the marijuana herb in his youth, but upon the threshold of maturing adulthood gave it up for the sake of responsibilities. He could be either infected with the Conservative or Liberal virus, and further probing is necessary.

At this point, with some invented pretext, you simply pull out an ounce of herb and some rolling papers, lay them on a table, and ask the subject if he knows how to roll a joint. A Conservative infected subject may immediately rise and exit. His conversion against marijuana is so strong, possibly anchored by a bad experience, like getting caught driving erratically at top speed of fifteen miles per hour in the passing lane on a sixty-five mph freeway with his head poked out the driver's door.  He was looking down at the road so he could follow the white line because the whole car load of his friends kept laughing at the way the pilot (he) was swerving through the clouds. They kept asking when he was going to land this flight, for which the police kindly provided the colored flashing lights on the run/roadway.

If they stay and attempt the joint rolling you’ll witness an uncoordinated effort from a Conservative sufferer with herb falling out of the paper onto the table as they try without dexterity to curl it around the loose leaves. The end result will invariably be an amateurish product packed too lightly with skinny ends and a fat middle, lacking in heft, quite stingy and burns too fast.

A Liberal infected subject will put a heaping amount of herb on the paper, held comfortably between his index fingers and thumbs, and curl the whole thing in one motion, expertly. His finished product will look like an unfiltered cigarette packed tightly and uniform, but fatter, stuffed generously. You can tell they also enjoyed the process and may ask you to do a few more.

The third type of individual will act like you’re from some other planet and are wary of you. The smoke in the room is troublesome to him. He may stare or sneer at your dreadlocks. Watch his eyes and you’ll find them searching the room uncomfortably but totally unaware of what the lingering aroma is. This subject is definitely suffering from the Conservative infection. 

The critical part of the Rastaman test consists of a simple question. To ascertain if the answer is truthful or not some researchers have used a polygraph. I believe this is only necessary when testing a politician, while most other individuals will be truthful. Nevertheless, a careful observance of their facial expressions and voice intonations is recommended. In a calm manner with a tape recorder in hand, this question is asked of the subject: Have you ever inhaled marijuana before?

A flat out, emphatic no is ninety-nine percent of the time a response from a Conservative infected sufferer. They may be insulted you asked, though they may be lying and concealing a past event or time when they did indulge, which is a circumstance of transference. At that time, usually during college, these individuals did partake of the herb's influence, but weren’t infected yet with Conservative opinions. In fact, it would appear they were infected with its nemesis: Liberal viral opinions. Perhaps they temporarily were (research should be conducted on present college students infected with Liberal opinions, those excited by political activism and dorm hopping from bed to bed, following them as they mature to see if they expunge it and are later infected with Conservative opinions as they monogomize and raise family values) but somehow warded it off and became susceptible to Conservative infection.

The temporary condition may have been a slight case of infection. College is an extraordinarily important period that warrants scrupulous attention as most students do suffer with Liberal symptoms. No matter how much disinfectant is used to clean up the dorms, fraternities, and sororities, and taking care in the classrooms to eradicate airborne lectures of political correctness, Liberal viral opinions seems to spread among them like they opened an infected Internet file. But this community disperses, and once they’re let loose on the world at large, many subjects' suffering wanes along with acne, and they come into contact with strong cases of  Conservative viral opinions.

A cool, of course, yes, to the question ninety-nine percent of the time will reveal a Liberal infected sufferer. The majority will qualify that they had done this in their youth and no longer partake. They exhibit no need to hide their past indulgence or question why they did so. They may mumble something about conformity and exigencies of parenthood and employment as reasons for quitting.

There are some who openly will admit to presently inhaling. They feel the herb has a beneficial effect on their viral symptoms and tout it as a remedy for just about every ailment known to civilization. They purport a conspiracy theory that the government is well aware of its numerous benefits to society but, being influenced by Conservative infected lobbyists, refuse to legalize it. Unfortunately, modern science has not proven so. Obviously it will alleviate some symptomatic suffering, but in the long run it’s been observed to heighten mild paranoia and entangle the espousing of conspiracy theories by the condition of “cotton mouth” which makes them unable to be coherent. Many of these Liberal infected sufferer’s dream of moving to Montana to start dental floss ranches.

There are others who are reluctant to admit yes, but when presented with pictures from parties they've attended, they come clean. They’re apologetic about their past inhaling, as though it was youthful misbehaving. Now they’re focused and serious about life. It would never occur to them to smoke the herb now.

They attribute no positive effects about their experience and hardly crack a smile when discussing it. Now they’re driven individuals, and that stuff only slows you down and makes the world wacky, which it most assuredly can't be or else why would they be working eighty hours a week? They’ve buried their memories of past inhaling along with that bearded, guitar-playing boyfriend or theater major nympho girlfriend whom they were crazy about and had smoked with and whom they’ve never told their spouse and current friends of. They’re mostly infected with the Conservative infection, though some are with the Liberal.

Then there’s the unusual response that they smoked a joint but didn’t inhale. This seems to have fooled no one except the sufferer. The Rastaman test unequivocally ascribes the Conservative infection to them even though they associate with Liberal infected sufferers and consider themselves one. It was thought at first that these individuals harbored both viruses and lived in a limbo world of non-principles and kowtowing to sufferers of either, whoever was conveniently present. But with historical analysis it was discovered that they were the bearded guitar-playing boy (and/or saxophone-playing) or the theater major nympho gal who came on so strong with the Liberal infection in their youth.

Their intense need to be wanted and loved by everyone, and I mean everyone, fit in well with their college days under the influence of the Liberal viral infection. They appeared to be carriers into their mature adult life. This is a strategy of the opposing Conservative infection, which rules the sufferer and only rears its head in stressful circumstances. The results are constant compromise, constant shading of the truth, and the inability to admit they inhaled.  

The Rastaman test has proven effective in sorting out who is infected with Conservative viral opinions and who is infected with Liberal ones. This is critical, since treatment for their infection relies on proper diagnosis. With this simple test, individuals categorically reveal which infection they suffer from and can be truthfully labeled for proper treatment.

 



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