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John Cooker

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Why Conservatives Can't Hear Liberals
by John Cooker   
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, July 16, 2012
Posted: Monday, July 09, 2012

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John Cooker

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           >> View all

Satire of political partisanship that describes tongue-in-cheek why Conservatives and Liberals can't understand each other.


 

I’ve studied the problem of Conservatives not hearing what Liberals say, and Liberals not hearing what Conservatives say. We’re all aware they are quite ill, one symptom of which prevents clear perception of the other’s words.
 
Everyone infected by either the Conservative virus or Liberal virus has, to a degree, secretions in their ears of a dense wax, unlike any ordinary ear wax. It begins as a thin film coating the entire ear canal and in some cases doesn’t advance any further, allowing most sounds to be heard without impairment. But typically, layer after successive layer builds up until it forms a thick lining, which dries, hardens with time, and develops intricate patterns of uniform holes. These holes are minute and number in the thousands. The holes created by the Conservative virus are in the middle of concave depressions in the wax. Those of Liberal are in the middle of convex bulges. They form an acoustical filter that diverts and deflects sounds incompatible with the virus.
 
This is a unique survival adaptation trait of the viruses that controls what its host hears. It’s a great advance in parasitic behavior nothing the likes of have ever been witnessed in Nature. The wax substance itself is identical in both viruses and in appearance resembles beeswax though darker and has the same melting point. The infected person is nearly always unaware of this wax substance deep in his ear canals. Though he may clean the upper parts of his ears with a swab, the inner reaches remain packed with it.
 
The holes realign vibrations to the ear drum in an unnatural manner so that the original sound is changed. Some audio is totally blocked. It’s not understood at this time exactly how this is performed, but it’s been hypothesized to be through a subtle recognition of the distinct pitch and tone of certain words spoken with emotional inflection. What is detected are words enunciated by the influence of the opposite virus. The Conservative virus detects the Liberal virus and filters its words to sound like others, and vice versa.
 
Consequently, this mechanism works as an ability to block the opposing virus's spread to its host. The thicker the wax, the more ability for aberration and less of the original gets through. In most moderate cases some words are heard in the original so that partial conversations do occur. But the severely infected have had their ability to hear the words spoken from an opposing viral host compromised. The wax is so thick that they can only hear what their particular virus allows.
           
As a controlled experiment I asked a volunteer with one virus to sit at a table across from another volunteer infected with the opposing virus. The acoustics in the room were perfect. The subjects were approximately three feet from each other. They both suffered from advanced hardened wax encrusted ear drums. I presented a sheet of paper to one with a simple question to ask the other. The first question to read went to a Liberal sufferer. This is what was recorded.
 
Liberal-Infected reading aloud: "In my opinion, gay rights should be supported. What do you think of gay rights?"
 
Conservative-Infected: "My whole family loves them. It's great fun!"
 
Lib: "Loves gay rights?"
 
Con: "The drama; melodrama that is, is really entertaining. The faking of pain and hurt. You know it's all staged, but you have to admit some of those guys are great actors."
 
Lib: "It's not 'all staged'. They’re really gay and sincere about their sexual orientation. There's more to gays than the theater stereotype. But you don't seem to be put out by them."
 
Con: "Do you mean to tell me that you believe their shenanigans?"
 
Lib: "Absolutely. And you should, too."
 
Con: "You mean to tell me that when one of those guys uses the ropes as a rubber band and launches himself from a standing position, flies through the air and lands perfectly on top of a Masked Zorro who's laying semi-unconscious—drugged up probably and still wearing his hat, I might add—and grabs him in a vice-grip hold: one, two, three, it's all over. You believe that's all real and not faked?"
 
Lib: "You obviously have more intimate knowledge about this sort of thing than I do. What’s a vice-grip hold?"
 
Con: "It's a hold where you get the head and the legs pinned down with your knee in the middle of the back. It's a tough position to get in, but once there, he's not moving an inch. Let me show you."
 
Lib: "No, no, no. That's okay. I'd rather just use my imagination."
 
Con: "I think Hulk Hogan invented it a long time ago."
 
Lib: "Hulk Hogan? He's not gay; he has a wife and kids."
 
Con: "Why would that stop him? Have you seen that guy's body? His muscles are incredible. Say what you want about all the theatrics, but these guys are athletes."
 
Lib: "Do you think they should have a voice in the political life of America or not?"
 
Con: "I'm trying to imagine what their agenda would be. Maybe they would want men to be able to run around in skimpy tights and grease their bodies with oil? Ha ha ha!"  
 
Lib: "You're not taking them seriously."
 
Con: "Seriously? Those guys are simply having fun. And some of them get paid well to dress up like that. Have you seen that get-up Captain America wears?"
 
Lib: "They're not all prostitutes!"
 
Con: "I agree, I agree. If I had the physique, Hell, I'd be right in there with them. I know my character already: Nosferatu, the original vampire. A cape I could swirl in the air. And eyes that would mesmerize like Bella Lugosi. Lots of Goth pure white makeup with heavy black eyebrows and red lips. Man, I'd have them all on the edge of their seats!"
 
Lib: "Are you telling me you’d join them if you had the physique?"
 
Con: "I'd talk it over with my wife first. I think that kind of lifestyle is hard on a family. Obviously I'd have to do some work on my abs. As Nosferatu I'd be the blood sucker and I’ve got a hold that would be a pain in the neck! Ha ha ha."
 
Lib: "What about the issues? Surely there's more than just dressing up?"
 
Con: "There's the Friday night Smack Down. Half of America will be watching."
 
Lib: "Smack Down?"
 
Con: "Yeah, they slam each other all night."
 
Lib: "I have to ask. Do you participate in these slams?"
 
Con: "I told you, I don't have the physique. I just watch. My whole family does."
 
Lib: "That's hypocritical. You watch them but don't support them."
 
Con: "Who you calling a hypocrite! I'm not there in person but I indirectly support their sponsors."
 
Lib: "If you don't do it out in the open, it's hypocritical."
 
Con: "I'll give you hypocritical and a lotta neck pain!"
 
At this point I had to intervene. After prying the arms from one off the neck of the other, putting the table right side up again, and having the gentlemen sit back down in their chairs, I asked them to calm down and get a grip. I read the transcript over to check if what I had heard was the actual conversation. It was. It seemed as if they were talking about a different subject entirely. I asked the Conservative-infected volunteer to please write down what he thought he was originally asked. This is what he wrote. "What do you think of WWA fights?" That's World Wrestling Alliance fights.
 
Clearly this is how many unsuspecting men infected with the Conservative virus find themselves accused of fraternizing with gay men, and some of even being gay. They don't hear gay rights at all. The wax in their ears deflects the phrase gay rights and replaces it with WWA fights. Their behavior is quite understandable in light of this fact. This is how many of them end up in gay clubs hanging out with homosexuals and transvestites. They’re asked a gay rights question and think they're being invited out for a night of professional wrestling. They’ve no idea what's in store for them and are quite innocent. If someone recognizes them at a gay club and takes pictures, it shouldn’t be spread all over the next day's front page above the fold, even if they’re dressed like Nosferatu.
 
How could a Conservative infected subject be expected to support WWA fights? It must appear quite frivolous to them to focus such national energy and legislative effort on a group of muscle bound prima donnas. The groans and slaps and hair pulling has certainly become more realistic over the years, but still the bright lights reveal an actor prancing about the mat flexing his muscles before he dives on his flailing opponent, who’s writhing in pain like an eel out of water. To add a constitutional amendment to support their rights will never fly with Conservative hosts until they get serious and curb the showmanship.
 
This was a clear demonstration of a virus obstructing the audio clarity and, thus, understanding of its host while he listened to the speech of his opposing virus’s host. By doing so, it strengthened itself and weakened the other virus’s chances of infecting its host. It’s positively effective in manipulating the host who remains unaware of the parasite's presence and influence over him.   
 
The second question written on a sheet of paper to read went to the Conservative-infected volunteer.
 
Conservative-Infected reading aloud: "Do you think North Korea has the right to have a WMD?"
 
Liberal-Infected: "Why would you deny them access to such technology?"
 
Con: "Because they're a bunch of lunatic Commies run by a madman!"
 
Lib: "It would bring them into the modern world. There's so much to be gained by it with little downside except the occasional quack. It would be an immense boost to their overall wellbeing. They, too, have much to contribute to such a system. Their culture is ancient. We could benefit--"
 
Con: "They’re part of the Axis of Evil! Where have you been?"
 
Lib: "Why should that deny them access? On the contrary, studies have shown that participation would enlarge the information umbrella that would give us benefits in the future. Have you ever taken ginseng?"
 
Con: "What’s that, code for Commie?"
 
Lib: "When I visited Korea in my student backpacking days, I was given acupuncture--"
 
Con: "They tortured you?"
 
Lib: "The needles they stick in your body you hardly feel."
 
Con: "How long are the needles?"
 
Lib: "A few inches. It helps the body open up all avenues of energy that have been blocked with repression due to our Western lifestyle."
 
Con: "Did you squeal on us?"
 
Lib: "It wasn't painful. I assure you. You should have it done. You'll have a different perspective on the Oriental approach."
 
Con: "What did you tell them?"
 
Lib: "Look, for example, the US has chronic constipation. The Koreans have a simple cure. And I think they ought to be allowed to give it to us. It's some kind of mushroom."
 
Con: "Mushroom cloud!"
 
Lib: "This is the ideal program to launch such an exchange."
 
Con: "You're serious, aren't you?"
 
Lib: "Why should we in the West be the only ones to have access to this technology? I think it would be a great start for normalizing relations and starting a conversation. We’ve a lot of problems they can help us with."
 
Con: "Like what?"
 
Lib: "Obesity, for one. Ever see an obese Korean?"
 
Con: "That's called famine."
 
Lib: "I've been to that site many times and, let me tell you, those guys aren't right all the time. Sometimes they put info out that's unreliable. I thought I got poisoned by Chinese food one night. Do you know what they told me to do? Call 911. It was an over-reaction. Defensive advice. Is that how we should practice—defensively?"
 
Con: "Did you tell the Chinese anything?"
 
Lib: "It wasn't their fault. I'm a too soft American. If I lived there I probably would be immune to the Chinese side effects."
 
Con: "You're a Commie sympathizer. You’re a Commie period!"
 
Lib: "I'm no such thing. Aren't you paying attention to what I've been saying?"
 
Con: "That's what bothers me!"
 
Lib: "Kim Il Jung is ill. If we let them have access to this technology he may get better. And it could be done simply with computers. That would put them on the road to real advancement. Then they might open up and start a peaceful dialogue. Who knows what it would lead to?" 
 
Con: "You'd give them the secrets, wouldn't you?"
 
Lib: "What's the big deal? What's the danger in opening up this information and giving access to them?"
 
Con: "You're a traitor! While I oughta--"
 
I intervened this time before any headlocks were administered. After calming down both parties, I asked the Liberal volunteer to write down what he heard he was asked. He wrote "Do you think North Korea has the right to have WebMD?" That’s the popular medical information website geared toward education and patient empowerment through knowledge. Apparently this is how Liberal sufferers end up marching alongside other revolutionary Communist Party members protesting Capitalism and globalization carrying posters of Chairman Mao. They were asked to join a movement to widen the Internet and medical knowledge so that closed societies could have access to the latest information. Little did they know it wasn't WebMD they were supporting, but Kim Il Jung and his bragging to be acquiring a WMD.
 
A study should be conducted to quantify what percentage of sufferers of each virus hear the same distorted words or other words, and whether the thickness of the ear wax is a determining factor. I’ve found subjects with the same virus who mishear the same words but others who mishear different ones. I tried to gauge the thickness of ear wax in each, but this was next to impossible. If tampered with, such as breaking off a piece to measure, the individual can have his entire equilibrium thrown off balance since this is controlled by the inner ear. He'll wobble away like a drunken sailor and won't straighten up for three days until the wax evens out.
 
I’ve found Conservative infected subjects who hear the same "WWA fights" in place of "gay rights" as the person in my research above. Yet I’ve found another who hears "stray cats" in the place of "gay rights", and another who hears nothing at all. This last subject doesn't hear most words that have the slightest chance of being influenced by the Liberal virus, such as "multiculturalism" or "prisoner DNA testing". He literally can’t talk to a Liberal sufferer because he can’t understand what’s being said and becomes frustrated and angry. The opposite party quite reasonably mistakes his emotional expression to be directed negatively at the opposite party’s opinions in the conversation, and this starts a bitter chain reaction.
 
In the case of Liberal-infected subjects, there are some who hear WebMD in place of WMD, yet there are others who don’t hear most words that have the slightest chance of being influenced by the Conservative virus, such as "self-reliance" and "over regulation". Many a heated discussion between opposing virus sufferers actually are the result of impermeable ear wax build up. 
 
It’s been discovered (actually brought to my attention by a research subject, Raj Krishnamoorthy, and how he discovered it remains a total mystery to which no answer provided could be sufficient to dispel wonder at how far curiosity can be warped) that the ear wax material provided by the viruses is slippery and makes a superior car wax that shines and protects better than many commercially available products. It doesn’t work as well on furniture. It has to be noted that this brainstorm of experimentation by Krishnamoorthy, an astrophysicist by trade, was conducted with the best of intentions to find a practical use for the substance because, after all, it was organic, green and renewable.
 
There are hundreds of millions of adult Americans, so it’s assumed to be quite plentiful with a regeneration period of a week to a month. A proposal was raised to have a mass collection to see if a sufficient amount could be gathered to try out its efficacy as a renewable, organic product. A test group was solicited and, within an afternoon, we had extracted with swabs a quarter pound of wax. It was remarkably smooth to apply on a sorely needed canary yellow VW Beetle of Krishnamoorthy's, which he had converted to run on used cooking oil he collected from his local KFC. The wax was also resilient and polished to a beautifully shiny protective coating.  
 
He wanted to publish his findings and let America know of this free resource available to just about all. Another test group volunteer stepped up, Kitsi M, and suggested a small cottage industry could be built from the more copious wax-producing individuals. She owned a string of muffler shops in Pennsylvania where the notorious pot hole problem on their roads, especially on the PA turnpike, insured a steady flow of loose mufflers, missing tail pipes, and profits. She immediately came up with some figures about the potential of this material as a viable commercial product, an endless supply of a renewable resource that would retail for $6.99 a tin. Being in the car after-market business, she maintained potential gross sales of fifty million within two years, of which twenty percent could be profit.
 
“But this isn’t your wax; it’s their wax”, Krishnamoorthy maintained.
 
“That's fine”, Kitsi said. “They can use their own if they want. We would simply be offering them the finished product in a convenient form with an applicator. And at a good price point.”
 
“But it's theirs already”, Krishnamoorthy argued. “How can you sell them what’s theirs to begin with?”
 
“Look”, Kitsi said, “they're too lazy to extract it themselves. We'd be doing them a service. We'd extract for a small fee and keep the waste material.”
 
‘For a fee?”, Krishnamoorthy exclaimed.
 
“To cover costs. Keep it low for the service”, Kitsi chimed back. “This swab method has got to go, though. There must be a better way with solvents which can later be separated. Plus can you imagine liability insurance cost with a swabbing process?”
 
Another volunteer asked what she would do about security. Obviously she needed the more prolific wax producers who were the more combative and belligerent. This would cause a security problem at collection sites. They would have to face opposing virus sufferers in the same room together and sit next to them, which would lead to outbursts and fights and possibly riotous brawls.
 
Kitsi answered, “We'll rotate days for one virus then the other.” And she jumped right into the task at hand by making numerous cell phone calls, ignoring the protests of Krishnamoorthy. Alas, by the fourth call her ambition slacked off. Marketing considerations dampened her effort. Though organic and green, this wax would face some consumer resistance. After all, it wasn’t like beeswax or carnauba wax; it was human ear wax. The mass market was deemed not yet ready for such a product, though if Walmart ever decided to display it in their stores, next to the fabulously successful selling ShamWa chamois cloth, consumer resistance could be overcome.
 
Viral ear wax build-up isn’t a life-threatening condition as the general ability to hear isn’t compromised. What is of vital concern, though, is the miss-communication as evidenced above. After all, the ear’s function is to hear clearly so to prevent confusion, which compels one to find a method of remedy. One witnesses episodes of sheer comic conversations and misunderstandings between Conservative and Liberal hosts due to the ear wax build-up worthy of the price of theater tickets.
 
We've all had to bear witness to the pronouncement of "senior death panels" by Sarah Palin's totally mishearing of the proposals during her briefing of a suggested Health Care Reform Bill. Perhaps this is an individual case further compounded by the cold Alaska winters without ear muffs and a fondness for shooting loud, high powered rifles at those cunning, crafty Alaskan moose which, if not imbedding themselves in the terrain of the wilderness, are lazily wandering down the main street of Wasilla in broad daylight.
 
We’ve also endured Bill Clinton's negative reply when he was asked if he had "inappropriate sex" with Monica. Because of ear wax buildup he thought he was asked if he had "inappropriate socks" with her. He had thought of placing a protective sock on his cigar—and you can even see him hesitate during the questioning as he entertained the notion—but that went just a little too far in kinkiness even for him.
 
Though these examples are entertaining, the public's welfare must be considered. We tried some methods to clean out the wax. What worked best is an old fashioned all-purpose cleanser; distilled vinegar in a diluted amount of one cup to one gallon of water. Application with an ear syringe is recommended. It has to be allowed to sit for a minute or two to dissolve the wax, especially if it’s thick. During this wait the subject may have the sensation to want to wiggle and flap his head, much in the manner that dogs do when their ears are wet. The subject must wait at least a minute, then be allowed to flap. This action is beneficial in loosening the wax. Now a clean cloth or cotton ball will help in wiping out the ear. Because of the sensitive nature of the ear area, this procedure should be performed by a doctor or nurse only. We’ve had great success with it, and subjects have become ninety-five percent free of wax.
 
This wax freedom is a revelation to all. Words and expressions that have hitherto remained obscured or mute are suddenly ringing in their ears perfectly understandable. A new appreciation dawns on them as they recognize what they’ve been missing. But, unfortunately, this is only temporary since the virus is still active and immediately begins to secrete wax back into the ears. For a couple of days the hearing is remarkably excellent. Then it begins the slide back to Audio Impairment. In about two weeks the condition has resumed completely. A regiment of weekly cleanings is recommended to keep the hearing at an optimum. To do this, I suggest free clinics be set up where cleanings can be performed and taught to practitioners and self-administrators.
 
Thus I can highly recommend at least a one-time cleaning with vinegar for everyone to at least have the experience of being able to hear wax-free for a few unimpeded days. This has motivated some of the subjects to continue the process. It must be remembered that this is treating a symptom and not the Conservative and Liberal viruses directly.
 
 
 
 
I’ve studied the problem of Conservatives not hearing what Liberals say, and Liberals not hearing what Conservatives say. We’re all aware they are quite ill, one symptom of which prevents clear perception of the other’s words.
 
Everyone infected by either the Conservative virus or Liberal virus has, to a degree, secretions in their ears of a dense wax, unlike any ordinary ear wax. It begins as a thin film coating the entire ear canal and in some cases doesn’t advance any further, allowing most sounds to be heard without impairment. But typically, layer after successive layer builds up until it forms a thick lining, which dries, hardens with time, and develops intricate patterns of uniform holes. These holes are minute and number in the thousands. The holes created by the Conservative virus are in the middle of concave depressions in the wax. Those of Liberal are in the middle of convex bulges. They form an acoustical filter that diverts and deflects sounds incompatible with the virus.
 
This is a unique survival adaptation trait of the viruses that controls what its host hears. It’s a great advance in parasitic behavior nothing the likes of have ever been witnessed in Nature. The wax substance itself is identical in both viruses and in appearance resembles beeswax though darker and has the same melting point. The infected person is nearly always unaware of this wax substance deep in his ear canals. Though he may clean the upper parts of his ears with a swab, the inner reaches remain packed with it.
 
The holes realign vibrations to the ear drum in an unnatural manner so that the original sound is changed. Some audio is totally blocked. It’s not understood at this time exactly how this is performed, but it’s been hypothesized to be through a subtle recognition of the distinct pitch and tone of certain words spoken with emotional inflection. What is detected are words enunciated by the influence of the opposite virus. The Conservative virus detects the Liberal virus and filters its words to sound like others, and vice versa.
 
Consequently, this mechanism works as an ability to block the opposing virus's spread to its host. The thicker the wax, the more ability for aberration and less of the original gets through. In most moderate cases some words are heard in the original so that partial conversations do occur. But the severely infected have had their ability to hear the words spoken from an opposing viral host compromised. The wax is so thick that they can only hear what their particular virus allows.
           
As a controlled experiment I asked a volunteer with one virus to sit at a table across from another volunteer infected with the opposing virus. The acoustics in the room were perfect. The subjects were approximately three feet from each other. They both suffered from advanced hardened wax encrusted ear drums. I presented a sheet of paper to one with a simple question to ask the other. The first question to read went to a Liberal sufferer. This is what was recorded.
 
Liberal-Infected reading aloud: "In my opinion, gay rights should be supported. What do you think of gay rights?"
 
Conservative-Infected: "My whole family loves them. It's great fun!"
 
Lib: "Loves gay rights?"
 
Con: "The drama; melodrama that is, is really entertaining. The faking of pain and hurt. You know it's all staged, but you have to admit some of those guys are great actors."
 
Lib: "It's not 'all staged'. They’re really gay and sincere about their sexual orientation. There's more to gays than the theater stereotype. But you don't seem to be put out by them."
 
Con: "Do you mean to tell me that you believe their shenanigans?"
 
Lib: "Absolutely. And you should, too."
 
Con: "You mean to tell me that when one of those guys uses the ropes as a rubber band and launches himself from a standing position, flies through the air and lands perfectly on top of a Masked Zorro who's laying semi-unconscious—drugged up probably and still wearing his hat, I might add—and grabs him in a vice-grip hold: one, two, three, it's all over. You believe that's all real and not faked?"
 
Lib: "You obviously have more intimate knowledge about this sort of thing than I do. What’s a vice-grip hold?"
 
Con: "It's a hold where you get the head and the legs pinned down with your knee in the middle of the back. It's a tough position to get in, but once there, he's not moving an inch. Let me show you."
 
Lib: "No, no, no. That's okay. I'd rather just use my imagination."
 
Con: "I think Hulk Hogan invented it a long time ago."
 
Lib: "Hulk Hogan? He's not gay; he has a wife and kids."
 
Con: "Why would that stop him? Have you seen that guy's body? His muscles are incredible. Say what you want about all the theatrics, but these guys are athletes."
 
Lib: "Do you think they should have a voice in the political life of America or not?"
 
Con: "I'm trying to imagine what their agenda would be. Maybe they would want men to be able to run around in skimpy tights and grease their bodies with oil? Ha ha ha!"  
 
Lib: "You're not taking them seriously."
 
Con: "Seriously? Those guys are simply having fun. And some of them get paid well to dress up like that. Have you seen that get-up Captain America wears?"
 
Lib: "They're not all prostitutes!"
 
Con: "I agree, I agree. If I had the physique, Hell, I'd be right in there with them. I know my character already: Nosferatu, the original vampire. A cape I could swirl in the air. And eyes that would mesmerize like Bella Lugosi. Lots of Goth pure white makeup with heavy black eyebrows and red lips. Man, I'd have them all on the edge of their seats!"
 
Lib: "Are you telling me you’d join them if you had the physique?"
 
Con: "I'd talk it over with my wife first. I think that kind of lifestyle is hard on a family. Obviously I'd have to do some work on my abs. As Nosferatu I'd be the blood sucker and I’ve got a hold that would be a pain in the neck! Ha ha ha."
 
Lib: "What about the issues? Surely there's more than just dressing up?"
 
Con: "There's the Friday night Smack Down. Half of America will be watching."
 
Lib: "Smack Down?"
 
Con: "Yeah, they slam each other all night."
 
Lib: "I have to ask. Do you participate in these slams?"
 
Con: "I told you, I don't have the physique. I just watch. My whole family does."
 
Lib: "That's hypocritical. You watch them but don't support them."
 
Con: "Who you calling a hypocrite! I'm not there in person but I indirectly support their sponsors."
 
Lib: "If you don't do it out in the open, it's hypocritical."
 
Con: "I'll give you hypocritical and a lotta neck pain!"
 
At this point I had to intervene. After prying the arms from one off the neck of the other, putting the table right side up again, and having the gentlemen sit back down in their chairs, I asked them to calm down and get a grip. I read the transcript over to check if what I had heard was the actual conversation. It was. It seemed as if they were talking about a different subject entirely. I asked the Conservative-infected volunteer to please write down what he thought he was originally asked. This is what he wrote. "What do you think of WWA fights?" That's World Wrestling Alliance fights.
 
Clearly this is how many unsuspecting men infected with the Conservative virus find themselves accused of fraternizing with gay men, and some of even being gay. They don't hear gay rights at all. The wax in their ears deflects the phrase gay rights and replaces it with WWA fights. Their behavior is quite understandable in light of this fact. This is how many of them end up in gay clubs hanging out with homosexuals and transvestites. They’re asked a gay rights question and think they're being invited out for a night of professional wrestling. They’ve no idea what's in store for them and are quite innocent. If someone recognizes them at a gay club and takes pictures, it shouldn’t be spread all over the next day's front page above the fold, even if they’re dressed like Nosferatu.
 
How could a Conservative infected subject be expected to support WWA fights? It must appear quite frivolous to them to focus such national energy and legislative effort on a group of muscle bound prima donnas. The groans and slaps and hair pulling has certainly become more realistic over the years, but still the bright lights reveal an actor prancing about the mat flexing his muscles before he dives on his flailing opponent, who’s writhing in pain like an eel out of water. To add a constitutional amendment to support their rights will never fly with Conservative hosts until they get serious and curb the showmanship.
 
This was a clear demonstration of a virus obstructing the audio clarity and, thus, understanding of its host while he listened to the speech of his opposing virus’s host. By doing so, it strengthened itself and weakened the other virus’s chances of infecting its host. It’s positively effective in manipulating the host who remains unaware of the parasite's presence and influence over him.   
 
The second question written on a sheet of paper to read went to the Conservative-infected volunteer.
 
Conservative-Infected reading aloud: "Do you think North Korea has the right to have a WMD?"
 
Liberal-Infected: "Why would you deny them access to such technology?"
 
Con: "Because they're a bunch of lunatic Commies run by a madman!"
 
Lib: "It would bring them into the modern world. There's so much to be gained by it with little downside except the occasional quack. It would be an immense boost to their overall wellbeing. They, too, have much to contribute to such a system. Their culture is ancient. We could benefit--"
 
Con: "They’re part of the Axis of Evil! Where have you been?"
 
Lib: "Why should that deny them access? On the contrary, studies have shown that participation would enlarge the information umbrella that would give us benefits in the future. Have you ever taken ginseng?"
 
Con: "What’s that, code for Commie?"
 
Lib: "When I visited Korea in my student backpacking days, I was given acupuncture--"
 
Con: "They tortured you?"
 
Lib: "The needles they stick in your body you hardly feel."
 
Con: "How long are the needles?"
 
Lib: "A few inches. It helps the body open up all avenues of energy that have been blocked with repression due to our Western lifestyle."
 
Con: "Did you squeal on us?"
 
Lib: "It wasn't painful. I assure you. You should have it done. You'll have a different perspective on the Oriental approach."
 
Con: "What did you tell them?"
 
Lib: "Look, for example, the US has chronic constipation. The Koreans have a simple cure. And I think they ought to be allowed to give it to us. It's some kind of mushroom."
 
Con: "Mushroom cloud!"
 
Lib: "This is the ideal program to launch such an exchange."
 
Con: "You're serious, aren't you?"
 
Lib: "Why should we in the West be the only ones to have access to this technology? I think it would be a great start for normalizing relations and starting a conversation. We’ve a lot of problems they can help us with."
 
Con: "Like what?"
 
Lib: "Obesity, for one. Ever see an obese Korean?"
 
Con: "That's called famine."
 
Lib: "I've been to that site many times and, let me tell you, those guys aren't right all the time. Sometimes they put info out that's unreliable. I thought I got poisoned by Chinese food one night. Do you know what they told me to do? Call 911. It was an over-reaction. Defensive advice. Is that how we should practice—defensively?"
 
Con: "Did you tell the Chinese anything?"
 
Lib: "It wasn't their fault. I'm a too soft American. If I lived there I probably would be immune to the Chinese side effects."
 
Con: "You're a Commie sympathizer. You’re a Commie period!"
 
Lib: "I'm no such thing. Aren't you paying attention to what I've been saying?"
 
Con: "That's what bothers me!"
 
Lib: "Kim Il Jung is ill. If we let them have access to this technology he may get better. And it could be done simply with computers. That would put them on the road to real advancement. Then they might open up and start a peaceful dialogue. Who knows what it would lead to?" 
 
Con: "You'd give them the secrets, wouldn't you?"
 
Lib: "What's the big deal? What's the danger in opening up this information and giving access to them?"
 
Con: "You're a traitor! While I oughta--"
 
I intervened this time before any headlocks were administered. After calming down both parties, I asked the Liberal volunteer to write down what he heard he was asked. He wrote "Do you think North Korea has the right to have WebMD?" That’s the popular medical information website geared toward education and patient empowerment through knowledge. Apparently this is how Liberal sufferers end up marching alongside other revolutionary Communist Party members protesting Capitalism and globalization carrying posters of Chairman Mao. They were asked to join a movement to widen the Internet and medical knowledge so that closed societies could have access to the latest information. Little did they know it wasn't WebMD they were supporting, but Kim Il Jung and his bragging to be acquiring a WMD.
 
A study should be conducted to quantify what percentage of sufferers of each virus hear the same distorted words or other words, and whether the thickness of the ear wax is a determining factor. I’ve found subjects with the same virus who mishear the same words but others who mishear different ones. I tried to gauge the thickness of ear wax in each, but this was next to impossible. If tampered with, such as breaking off a piece to measure, the individual can have his entire equilibrium thrown off balance since this is controlled by the inner ear. He'll wobble away like a drunken sailor and won't straighten up for three days until the wax evens out.
 
I’ve found Conservative infected subjects who hear the same "WWA fights" in place of "gay rights" as the person in my research above. Yet I’ve found another who hears "stray cats" in the place of "gay rights", and another who hears nothing at all. This last subject doesn't hear most words that have the slightest chance of being influenced by the Liberal virus, such as "multiculturalism" or "prisoner DNA testing". He literally can’t talk to a Liberal sufferer because he can’t understand what’s being said and becomes frustrated and angry. The opposite party quite reasonably mistakes his emotional expression to be directed negatively at the opposite party’s opinions in the conversation, and this starts a bitter chain reaction.
 
In the case of Liberal-infected subjects, there are some who hear WebMD in place of WMD, yet there are others who don’t hear most words that have the slightest chance of being influenced by the Conservative virus, such as "self-reliance" and "over regulation". Many a heated discussion between opposing virus sufferers actually are the result of impermeable ear wax build up. 
 
It’s been discovered (actually brought to my attention by a research subject, Raj Krishnamoorthy, and how he discovered it remains a total mystery to which no answer provided could be sufficient to dispel wonder at how far curiosity can be warped) that the ear wax material provided by the viruses is slippery and makes a superior car wax that shines and protects better than many commercially available products. It doesn’t work as well on furniture. It has to be noted that this brainstorm of experimentation by Krishnamoorthy, an astrophysicist by trade, was conducted with the best of intentions to find a practical use for the substance because, after all, it was organic, green and renewable.
 
There are hundreds of millions of adult Americans, so it’s assumed to be quite plentiful with a regeneration period of a week to a month. A proposal was raised to have a mass collection to see if a sufficient amount could be gathered to try out its efficacy as a renewable, organic product. A test group was solicited and, within an afternoon, we had extracted with swabs a quarter pound of wax. It was remarkably smooth to apply on a sorely needed canary yellow VW Beetle of Krishnamoorthy's, which he had converted to run on used cooking oil he collected from his local KFC. The wax was also resilient and polished to a beautifully shiny protective coating.  
 
He wanted to publish his findings and let America know of this free resource available to just about all. Another test group volunteer stepped up, Kitsi M, and suggested a small cottage industry could be built from the more copious wax-producing individuals. She owned a string of muffler shops in Pennsylvania where the notorious pot hole problem on their roads, especially on the PA turnpike, insured a steady flow of loose mufflers, missing tail pipes, and profits. She immediately came up with some figures about the potential of this material as a viable commercial product, an endless supply of a renewable resource that would retail for $6.99 a tin. Being in the car after-market business, she maintained potential gross sales of fifty million within two years, of which twenty percent could be profit.
 
“But this isn’t your wax; it’s their wax”, Krishnamoorthy maintained.
 
“That's fine”, Kitsi said. “They can use their own if they want. We would simply be offering them the finished product in a convenient form with an applicator. And at a good price point.”
 
“But it's theirs already”, Krishnamoorthy argued. “How can you sell them what’s theirs to begin with?”
 
“Look”, Kitsi said, “they're too lazy to extract it themselves. We'd be doing them a service. We'd extract for a small fee and keep the waste material.”
 
‘For a fee?”, Krishnamoorthy exclaimed.
 
“To cover costs. Keep it low for the service”, Kitsi chimed back. “This swab method has got to go, though. There must be a better way with solvents which can later be separated. Plus can you imagine liability insurance cost with a swabbing process?”
 
Another volunteer asked what she would do about security. Obviously she needed the more prolific wax producers who were the more combative and belligerent. This would cause a security problem at collection sites. They would have to face opposing virus sufferers in the same room together and sit next to them, which would lead to outbursts and fights and possibly riotous brawls.
 
Kitsi answered, “We'll rotate days for one virus then the other.” And she jumped right into the task at hand by making numerous cell phone calls, ignoring the protests of Krishnamoorthy. Alas, by the fourth call her ambition slacked off. Marketing considerations dampened her effort. Though organic and green, this wax would face some consumer resistance. After all, it wasn’t like beeswax or carnauba wax; it was human ear wax. The mass market was deemed not yet ready for such a product, though if Walmart ever decided to display it in their stores, next to the fabulously successful selling ShamWa chamois cloth, consumer resistance could be overcome.
 
Viral ear wax build-up isn’t a life-threatening condition as the general ability to hear isn’t compromised. What is of vital concern, though, is the miss-communication as evidenced above. After all, the ear’s function is to hear clearly so to prevent confusion, which compels one to find a method of remedy. One witnesses episodes of sheer comic conversations and misunderstandings between Conservative and Liberal hosts due to the ear wax build-up worthy of the price of theater tickets.
 
We've all had to bear witness to the pronouncement of "senior death panels" by Sarah Palin's totally mishearing of the proposals during her briefing of a suggested Health Care Reform Bill. Perhaps this is an individual case further compounded by the cold Alaska winters without ear muffs and a fondness for shooting loud, high powered rifles at those cunning, crafty Alaskan moose which, if not imbedding themselves in the terrain of the wilderness, are lazily wandering down the main street of Wasilla in broad daylight.
 
We’ve also endured Bill Clinton's negative reply when he was asked if he had "inappropriate sex" with Monica. Because of ear wax buildup he thought he was asked if he had "inappropriate socks" with her. He had thought of placing a protective sock on his cigar—and you can even see him hesitate during the questioning as he entertained the notion—but that went just a little too far in kinkiness even for him.
 
Though these examples are entertaining, the public's welfare must be considered. We tried some methods to clean out the wax. What worked best is an old fashioned all-purpose cleanser; distilled vinegar in a diluted amount of one cup to one gallon of water. Application with an ear syringe is recommended. It has to be allowed to sit for a minute or two to dissolve the wax, especially if it’s thick. During this wait the subject may have the sensation to want to wiggle and flap his head, much in the manner that dogs do when their ears are wet. The subject must wait at least a minute, then be allowed to flap. This action is beneficial in loosening the wax. Now a clean cloth or cotton ball will help in wiping out the ear. Because of the sensitive nature of the ear area, this procedure should be performed by a doctor or nurse only. We’ve had great success with it, and subjects have become ninety-five percent free of wax.
 
This wax freedom is a revelation to all. Words and expressions that have hitherto remained obscured or mute are suddenly ringing in their ears perfectly understandable. A new appreciation dawns on them as they recognize what they’ve been missing. But, unfortunately, this is only temporary since the virus is still active and immediately begins to secrete wax back into the ears. For a couple of days the hearing is remarkably excellent. Then it begins the slide back to Audio Impairment. In about two weeks the condition has resumed completely. A regiment of weekly cleanings is recommended to keep the hearing at an optimum. To do this, I suggest free clinics be set up where cleanings can be performed and taught to practitioners and self-administrators.
 
Thus I can highly recommend at least a one-time cleaning with vinegar for everyone to at least have the experience of being able to hear wax-free for a few unimpeded days. This has motivated some of the subjects to continue the process. It must be remembered that this is treating a symptom and not the Conservative and Liberal viruses directly.
 
 
 
 

 

Web Site: Cure Your Democracy



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