Finding love again.
Finding love again, after having lost it. Is it as easy the next time around? No.
Nor is it easy to feel like you need to keep people at a distance, to feel like everyone is like that one you lost and that the ending will be as tragic as the first. It's hard to feel safe anywhere again. You don't notice when the switch happens, when those bad feelings in the pit of your stomach and deepest corners of your heart goes away.
I always believed in the whole 'there's-one-person-out-there-for-everyone' thing, but I've blessed in the sense that I've found many kinds of love in my life. I'm the exception, and my heart goes out to those of you who are the rule. Those who only have one love in their life. I have only one also, but I've been the one for more. Things happen, there are obstacles and distractions that sometimes lead those who are right for each other apart. This is not always a bad thing though. Sometimes, what's right for someone isn't what they need. Some need a greater challenge; and so they might meet the one, but it won't pan out. Life is what those people need, not always that sort of love.
Those are the people who thrive in careers, in friends and society, in the arts and traveling the world... They are those who are 'forever alone', but always surrounded by love because they choose to feel that way. I greatly admire those who feed off of life and have the strength to bear the load of it alone. But that admiration in no way outshines that of the feeling that of the love of that one person gives me.
"My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever." - Darcy to Elizabeth, Pride and Prejudice
I've learned and grown a great deal thanks to those who have let me see into their hearts, and I will never have anything in my life valuable enough to repay them. One watches over me still. I feel him around sometimes, and I know he will always have the love for me, that I still carry around for him. Death is not the end, tis not a grand enough end, to shatter that sort of feeling.
And there is another; he waits and he ponders over it all. It's been over longer than the both of us have been willing to accept. And so grieve we do; until the day comes when we can give the same smile of acknowledgement to each other, saying it's okay. We healed together, he and I. We learned from each other's mistakes and continue to help each other along. He will forever be in my heart for all he has done for me. And that leads me back to the main thesis of this entry.
Finding love again.
It is possible, and I'm thankful to the one I found for showing me that. He is my one, my world. I was broken still, and he was patient. I was cruel, and he was just. I was bitter, but he understood. Always by my side and forever caring and sure. He loves the real me, the me I shudder to show most. This is not for lack of self-confidence, I'm proud of who I've become and how. It's simply a matter of having trust in a person to try and understand the wrong I've done to get here. And he understands...
I would trust him with anything, and vise versa. This is what we exceptions have to look forward to. To those who bear the burden of life on their own, I give you my most high respect.
Fear not, you are complete in yourself.