My mother-in-law wrote a book that began, "Since I retired from my job as a school clerk some eighteen years ago, I found that I had more free time to masturbate.  I developed, over the course of much practice, effort, and ingenuity, some wonderful techniques that I want to share with all women.  Included in the book are diagrams and illustrations to ensure that the reader will learn to use these tactics effectively.  If done right, they will produce mind-bending orgasms."  Mrs. Fuckshit also provides a comprehensive list of objects and devices that she discovered in her household, or constructed herself, along with tips and photographs that clarify the correct procedures. "I always fill my shopping cart with cucumbers at the grocery store," she advises.  There's a large color photo of the 83-year-old Fuckshit on the back cover, with her full name and address captioned beneath it.  At book-signings, she has been known to scrawl her phone number next to her signature.  Mrs. Fuckshit has put on many shows to promote the book, in which she demonstrates her masturbation techniques, and plays video clips of herself, as a youthful woman, giving blow jobs.  A videotape is in the works, which will feature a large number of females of all shapes and sizes engaging in Fuckshit's methods, while the author stands at the 'head of the class,' instructing the group, and performing demonstrations.  The background music is as yet undecided. Mrs. Fuckshit would like the world to know: "It would be selfish of me to withhold the knowledge I've gained from years of masturbation.  I've developed strategies that I know will work for every woman.  Let me teach you how to pleasure yourselves.  Everyone with a vagina should be well-skilled in my techniques, and easily bring themselves to the glorious heights of ecstasy.  All of us ladies are entitled to this experience."  

I apologize, dearly departed.  I know you didn't approve.  Wish you could have turned 57 today.  RIP, love you always, and miss you so much.  R.