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Tina B Tessina

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· The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While Youíre Far Apart

· Money, Sex and Kids:

· It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

· How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free

· The Real Thirteenth Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve S

· The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40

· The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

· The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make AFTER Forty

· How to Cope with the Loss of a Friend

· Dear Dr. Romance: Should she tell the man she's in love with him?

· Dr. Romance on Grief: From Surviving to Thriving

· Dear Dr. Romance: AA only goes so far

· Dear Dr. Romance: Which one should he choose?

· Dear Dr. Romance: Can you refer me?

· Dr. Romance on The Meaning of Life

· Dear Dr. Romance: I have lost the umph for even planning the wedding

· Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence?

· Dear Dr. Romance: I have a family member with two failed marriages

· The Shape of Peace

· Inspiration

· Eternal Dance - Christmas 2005

· On Mitch and Jackieís engagement

· On love

· Bitter lesson

· Redemption


· Storytellers

· Vessels

         More poetry...
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Books by Tina B Tessina
There are many ways you can stop yourself from getting the most out of life Ė not enjoying what you have or have accomplished; not being able to get motivated, or finish what you begin; and having a negative focus, which leads to discouragement, anxiety, despair and even depression.

Recently, I have been asked a lot about how people can overcome paralysis and self-sabotage, so I thought Iíd pass on my ideas on the subject. Getting in your own way is all about how you relate your yourself. In addition to not managing your time effectively, there are many ways you can stop yourself from getting the most out of life Ė not enjoying what you have or have accomplished; not being able to get motivated, or finish what you begin; and having a negative focus, which leads to discouragement, anxiety, despair and even depression.


When you arenít able to get yourself motivated, to complete what you start, or to follow through when you need to, itís called emotional paralysis. The main factors that lead to paralysis are Lack of Self-Trust, Being Outer_directed, Overwhelm, Perfectionism and Negative Thinking. Letís look at each of these roadblocks, and what you can do about them.:

Lack of self_trust:

When you donít trust yourself, your own judgement, your intelligence, and your ability to manage yourself and make your own decisions, life is too frightening to move. Hereís an exercise abbreviated from It Ends With You to help you strengthen your self-trust.

Steps to self-trust

1. Ask your own opinion. Frequently ask yourself: "What do I think about this? Do I like it? Does it make sense to me? Do I agree or disagree with the others?"

2. Listen to the answer. Listen to your opinions as you would to the ideas of a respected friend. Consider them, weigh them, and even discuss them with yourself from time to time.

3. Repeat until itís a habit. After a few weeks, youíll become comfortable with your personal opinions, which will have a profound effect on what you do and how you act. Decision making will be faster and easier, and youíll feel much more secure in making decisions.

Being Outer_directed:

Knowing and acting on your own opinion is being inner-directed. Making decisions based on what others want or just reacting and responding to events is being outer-directed. You get along like that for a while, then you grind to a halt and become emotionally paralyzed. You must be the one in charge of your life Ė I believe itís what we were designed to do, and I see every day what happens to people who donít take charge of their thoughts, words and deeds. Once you know your own opinion, you need to act on it. The opinions of others are helpful input, but your decisions must be your own.


When you donít take time to think clearly about the issues and problems in your life, and get mentally organized, you try to solve everything at once, and become overwhelmed and paralyzed. To overcome this problem, write down the thoughts that are racing through your head, make a list of everything that needs to be done, and prioritize. Then, pick one thing, break it down into steps, and begin doing the steps. Youíll find that organizing your thoughts like this makes everything much more manageable.

Perfectionism: The final paralyzer is wanting to do things so perfectly that nothing is good enough. To break the paralysis, lighten up on your demands of yourself. Be a supportive, encouraging friend to yourself, not a demanding boss.

Negative thinking

By far the biggest roadblock in your relationship with yourself and with life is negative thinking. Many of my clients are afraid that recognizing problems, difficulties and grief is the same as negative thinking, and therefore, they ricochet back and forth between pretending to be happy and feeling hopeless.

Grieving is not negative thinking, it's an adjustment in feelings. If you allow yourself to acknowledge whatever feelings you have (anger, fear, sadness, joy) youíll be able to feel real happiness when it comes. Negative thinking is actually scaring oneself. To latch on to only the negative things, to "catastrophize" about how awful things are or will become creates unnecessary tension and stress __ and eventual paralysis.

The antidote to negative thinking is trust. Trust yourself __ you have a direct line to eternal wisdom, and expressing your feelings clears up the static so you'll know what is most important for you in this moment. Trust your family and friends __ they love you, they want to help, so let in the love they give you. Living as truthfully as you can __ including when you're upset, frightened, or hurting __ will put you in harmony with God's plan for your life. Above all, trust Love __ trust that you are surrounded with it, that your loved ones love you back, that you were created by Love, and, when it's time, you will be re_created by Love. Trust the blessings of life __ even the worst things will somehow turn out to be a blessing, though you may not be able to see it now. Eternal Wisdom is so much bigger than we are, and we cannot understand all its workings, but "all the Power that ever was or will be, is here now" and we are all safe.

Whatever threatens our little ego_based world cannot touch that which is real within us. There is no need to be paralyzed, to be afraid, to hesitate. Goethe, the beloved German poet, said

Some of your ills you have cured

And the sharpest at least youíve survived.

But what torments of Hell youíve endured

From evils that never arrived

(From It Ends with You) © 2005 Tina B. Tessina

Author Bio:

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., ( is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self_Confidence, Self_Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the "Happiness Tips from Tina" e-mail newsletter and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show on and She is an online expert, answering relationship questions at and Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and regular columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as "Oprah", "Larry King Live" and ABC news.

Web Site Tina B. Tessina, self-help author, therapist

Reader Reviews for "Getting Out of Your Own Way"

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Reviewed by Hiren Shah 9/2/2005
Encouraging article specially with reference to emotionaly paralysis. REference to coming out of pain towards the end of the article particulary interesting
Reviewed by Gwen Dickerson 3/9/2005
Nice article, Tina. You've covered some interesting points.
Reviewed by m j hollingshead 3/6/2005
enjoyed the read
Reviewed by Rosemarie Skaine 3/5/2005
Very good article, but I especially liked the closing poem. R
Reviewed by Sandy Knauer 3/4/2005
Thank you, TIna, for this very informative article. I especially like the Ask Your Own Opinion section. It seems too often people are willing to take the word of others without question, and then pass it along to the next generation. Great advice, all of this.

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